Anxiety and Love

Discussions in anxiety, panic attacks, phobias and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Practical help for anxiety disorders.

Postby anxietybucket » Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:06 pm

Please please please help me, I am so scared!

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. During this time I have never felt anything but happiness and love, but then about a month ago now I started having strange thoughts. To begin with I believed that my boyfriend had cancer - I was obsessed with this for weeks, I looked up websites, constantly checked my boyfriend.

Then I started feeling really strange - feeling like my head was full to bursting point, my ears were blocked, losing weight, headaches, irritable, just not feeling like myself. I looked up every illness under the sun.

I started to feel really down about everything and crying for no reason - I lost interest in everything, and started not to care for my appearance.

Then I started thinking that I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. Then I started having panic attacks, where I felt like I was going crazy - I was crying, shaking, unable to breathe, dizzy, nauseous, no appetite, sleep problems, the whole works. All over the thought that I didn't love my boyfriend any more.

These thoughts have been going on for weeks now, and they are getting progressively worse. I have flashes where I feel totally like myself, and in that time I know that I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But the rest of the time I question it, even when I am with him. I have even started looking agt other people and wondering if I am attracted to them. The thoughts disturb me so so much.

I know that I love my boyfriend, and I know that it is all still in there, but it won't come out - I long so much to feel the way that I used to not that long ago, and I don't understand why this has happened. I am so scared that this is taking me over and eventually I will believe that I don't love my boyfriend any more. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up, but I can't bear the thought of not being with him, it would just be too awful.

Please please help. Some background: I was treated for an eating disorder a number of years ago, which has disappeared since the anxiety attacks started. I have had major problems within my family. I am currently receiving treatment for anxiety but am not on any medication. Please help me, please.
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Postby Cooler » Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:17 pm

ab,

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much at the moment.

Almost certainly this has nothing to do with your boyfriend. The symptoms you are describing are well known anxiety symptoms, leaning towards depression. When you said that there are moments when you feel normal again, this is also a classic symptom in anxiety and depression.

Do you feel like telling us about your treatment? For a crisis situation I would recommend seeing a GP and accepting what treatment is available, including meds if appropriate. I know that a lot of people are afraid of anxiety meds, but sometimes they can get us through the worst.

I know it is bad at the moment, but you will get through this difficult time. Please let us know how you get on.

Good thoughts,

Alex.
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Postby anxietybucket » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:18 pm

Thank you so much Alex for your quick reply - I am now crying in relief that someone is saying that this is normal!

Right now I am seeing a therapist who is showing me some relaxation techniques, which I am finding very difficult to do because the anxiety is so very strong. I believe the techniques are rooted in the Callahan technique - lots of tapping reflexology points and so forth. He is also a hypnotist, and I believe that eventually he will start hypnosis, or at least I hope he will. In my more rational moments I can see that my anxiety might be caused by family issues, of which there have been many - the therapist I am seeing just now certainly believes that the eating disorder I suffered from for about ten years, and what I am feeling now, are in some way linked. I know that the eating disorder was triggered by comments my mother made, and continued as a coping mechanism to deal with the many issues within my family, which I feel very responsible for.

During my treatment for the eating disorder I received a course of CBT and ACT, and was also on Prozac for about two years. I came off the Prozac for about six months, and was perfectly happy until these anxiety attacks came out of the blue. My GP primarily put me back on Prozac along with a course of beta-blockers to tackle the physical effects. I tried them, but I felt nothing at all which was worse, so I stopped taking them after a few days.

I am just so scared at the moment - my thoughts keep changing every day and I just don't know what's real anymore. One day I feel the incredible love I know I have for him, other days I worry that he will leave me, other times I start thinking I don't love him, then I start looking at other people and thinking I'm attracted to them - something different every day. Like today I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with him. And I just read a post on a different thread and the girl there had split up with her boyfriend, and I don't want to do that, but what if it's the right thing to do?!


Please help me!
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Postby Cooler » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:09 pm

ab,

Yes, your eating disorder, family issues and present problems are most likely connected. That's how it tends to go.

You have said that you felt good for 6 months. This is worth hanging on to. When we are wobbly, changing from moment to moment, it is important to remember better times. I was ill for many years, and often had several mood changes per day. Miserable.

But things pass and we find life and love again. Pushing your boyfriend away is quite understandable, and when this finally subsides you will feel better again. It is like getting our juices back, in fact getting our whole lives back, when the illness passes.

We can't force it though, it takes time.

Alex.
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Postby calii » Sun Aug 15, 2010 4:35 am

Hey I just wanted to let you know I have the EXACT same problem!! Ive seen your post on another website too. lol I think it was you? Id really like to talk to you because I have the same crisis. I know I love my boyfriend more than life itself but these stupid donkey thoughts are making me miserable and making me question myself when I know its not true!! And then I always have anxiety now its horrible! well if you ever see this just pm me. lol Id like to know more about your problems. Me and my bf have been together for almost 3 years already and I have never had this damn problem till the anxiety and intrusive thoughts!

Hope to talk to you soon!

Cali
:)
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Postby littlemissstress » Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:01 pm

Hello anxietybucket!! I have been dealing with EXACTLY the same feeling, to a T, and have been seeing a psycologist for about 6 months because of it. Unfortunately I've only been with my boyfriend for about 11 months, so I don't have three years of strength to pull experience from. :( I do, however, have an absolute wonderful boyfriend and I just want to stop holding back (like I did in those first few months).

I constantly think that maybe we should break-up and that I don't love him - but then have an anxiety attack over those thoughts. They run over and over and over and over in my mind (like you, even when I am with him) and I find every little excuse to mean that I don't love him. I think I even pull back to prove that I "don't" love him. However, I still enjoy his company and think he is ace and am attracted to him and love having sex with him and love going to his house. I just CAN'T get the idea that I don't love him out of my head, to the point where it almost becomes reality. Very rarely, I don't feel anxious. VERY rarely, and then I feel as if this relationship could last forever and ever. In those few moments, I love him endlessly.

Then anxiety sinks in again.

The only reason I haven't been put on meds is because I went overseas for 2 1/2 months and the doctor couldn't put me on them before I left. Perhaps I will go on them now. My boyfriend and I are coming up to one year in a few weeks, and I feel SO GUILTY (sososososo guilty) for spending the bulk of our relationship feeling like this (it has a terrible toll on him).

Anyway, I did'nt mean to ramble but what I was trying to say is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND I UNDERSTAND. I feel like no one understands me and i am so happy I found your post.

I would LOVE to email you and talk. I think we could help eachother. :)
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Postby Marija » Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:05 am

contact me via skype please: marija5751

same problems here too... I thought that I was only one and that I'm going isane
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Postby Marija » Sun Aug 29, 2010 4:50 pm

This is unbelieveable! I write huge post and I cannot post it.

I would like to chat with you both about problem because maybe we could help each other. I have exact same problems with thinking pattern about love and what if I do not love him....
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Postby mewberr645 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:41 am

Hello i was wondering could i maybe talk to you guys through skype or windows live please? Im having the same problems too and its just depressing me to be honest, i'd really like to talk to someone whos also expiriencing it please
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Postby anxietybucket » Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:05 am

Anyone who posted here still here?

Still going through this...got a psychiatric appointment on Thursday, because this has gone beyond alternative therapy help. My parents are phoning the CPN Crisis Team every couple of days because I am just crying all the time, and acting really strangely - yesterday I freaked out about coming downstairs, because I felt my parents weren't real. I can't do anything anymore, I can't even focus on the TV. I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with, and I just want to be on my own all the time. The only time I do feel anywhere close to good is when I'm with my boyfriend, and even then I have chronic depersonalisation and still feel really down - just a bit more secure. And my mind keeps thinking up increasingly bizarre thoughts, like for a few moments today I was convinced I was still in love with my ex. :(

This is killing me. I don't even know if I am myself any more - like I find myself cutting myself, and I know that that's not the right thing to do, but I feel like the person I was is so far away and long ago that I'll never get back to it. I don't even know who I am any more.
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Postby mewberr645 » Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:18 am

I know how your feeling in a way, anxietybucket, i keep getting thoughts about my ex like i wanna be with him instead of my current bf and i get scared at that thought. Aso i cant feel that warm loving feelign towards my bf anymore but i do feel comfortable and normal when im with him, i fear im going mad, as i cant eat or sleep very well. I feel like somethings taken me over and i feel like i cant cope much anymore, would you like to talk on something like msn or skype if u have it?
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Postby anxietybucket » Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:21 am

Hi mewberr,

I'm sorry you're going through this too, but it helps so much to hear of someone going through the same thing.

I'm afraid I don't have MSN or Skype, but we could keep chatting on here?

Are you getting any help for this?
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Postby littlemissstress » Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:06 am

anxietybucket, make sure you go see someone! I started seeing someone about 8 or 9 months ago and it helped a little bit strait away just because I knew there was someone I could talk to about it or email about it. It's taken me about 10 months but I think (I hope) that I am out of the worst of it.

I have found myself able to enjoy my boyfriends company again, enjoy sex, enjoy watching movies, making out! I enjoy it all. I even find myself light headed at the thought of him! I don't wake up every day thinking about break-up or leaving him. I am not 100% yet, but I am close. There is hope!

I too have gone through stages where I thought I might be in love with my ex-boyfriend. To tackle this I thought, "If I was in love with my ex-boyfriend, I would want to see him. Do I want to see him? Would I be happy to have coffee with him?" and the answer was always NO. I think my ex is a loser and I wish I had never gone out with him... why would I stlll be in love with him? That's just what I did, but you may find another way of questioning that fear. Remember, even if you respect your old boyfriend or wish to see him and be friends, that does not mean that you are in love with him or do not care for your current boyfriend! Challenge those thoughts!

What it probably means is that your anxiety is making you pick at the relationship and look for problems within it so that you have an 'excuse" to break-up. But you are just searching because you are anxious! I DEFIANTLY did and could not stop. But that's what you need to try and do - stop questioning and (as my psychologist says) "enjoy the process" of being with someone.

Something else my psychologist said I was doing was sabotaging the relationship. She said that often people with depression and sometimes anxiety tend to do this, so when it fails they can say "see, I told you it was bad" etc etc. This is negative thinking and you need to re-train yourself not to think like that. There is a great book my phychologist told me about that can help with this called "change your thinking" by Sarah Edelman.

What I actually found helped me in the end was a herb! It's called St John's Wart and has the same effect as a light anti-depressant, without the nasty side effects. I take it three times a day with food and OHMYGOD it helped SO MUCH. So, so much! The only problem is that it can effect the effectiveness of other medication, such as the pill. So be careful and use condoms if you're taking it. But try it at least. :)

I hope you are doing better than you were. There is light! And it's very possible that your relationship can last this.

Goodluck!
xx
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Postby anxietybucket » Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:45 am

Hi Little Missstress,


Thanks for the positive reply - I have heard of so many people not being able to beat this, so every time someone can say they have beaten this, or at least improving, it gives me so much hope :)

The thoughts are ever-changing for me, so the thoughts about the ex are completely out the window today - today is more focussed on his smell (?!?!?!) and his physical appearance a little too. I managed to beat it for ooh about ten seconds a couple of times this morning, but it keeps coming back fuller force every time I do it. I'm still so scared that there's actually something wrong with out relationship, or that I really have stopped loving him <--- that makes me anxious just typing it! The only thing that's keeping me going is that the last time something like this happened, my initial thoughts were proved totally false - it was other things in my life which were causing me to feel that way - I'm hoping it's the same again.

The frustrating thing is, I THINK I can see where it's all coming from, or I have a very good idea - and most of the professionals I have seen agree with me, but they haven't been able to help me out of it so far - so I'm going back to psychiatry on Thursday, and hopefully they will give me some medical help - everything so far has been alternative therapy, which hasn't helped one bit. Certainly the stuff about sabotaging my relationship and looking for problems is very familiar, and would tie in with my theory.

I've been curious about trying St John's Wort for a while now - did it work straight away for you? I was put off trying it before because of all the various side effects it talks about, but I'm at such a desperate point, I would happily put up with the many side effects if it made me feel better!

Can I ask what you were diagnosed with, and what kind of things you did in treatment to overcome all this? I'm so impressed to hear from someone who feels that much better, thanks, you have given me so much hope!
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Postby mewberr645 » Mon Sep 13, 2010 3:49 pm

Hi anxietybucket, yes i am going to get help as im going to go to the doctors tommorrow, and im also going to have councalling. I'm not sure how much it will help but hopefully it does. Also littlemistress, thankyou for the positive post also, it made me feel better about my relationship, i know im sabotagng mine, but its like i cant control it im such a negative thinker but i am trying to think positivly again like i did when i first got with my boyfriend. Anxietybucket when you say ' or that I really have stopped loving him ' Do you mean your ex or your current boyfriend? ^^ just wondering. Anyways im glad of knowing that there are others out there who are expiriencing these kind of things and that there are people who have gotten better :)
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