Anxiety and Love

#2265

Postby Vany311 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:54 am

Cric 0624
Try to meditate. I used to go to the bathroom and out my headsphones on. Make it a habit. Even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. Remember that just one thing won’t hwlped. You have to try all kinds of things to help you get out of there. Unfortunately there’s no magic pill that solve our problem we have created in our heads. We have to find the solution. There was a guy that said on a blog the other day “its not my feelings or emotions that determine my love for her but the things I do for my wife determine my love” love is a choice, a constant choice not a feeling. Let’s pretend you were in a normal state of mind no anxiety? Would you leave your boyfriend? I’m pretty sure your answer is no.
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#2266

Postby cric0624 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:10 pm

That’s my fear: that I’m in a normal state of mind and that this isn’t anxiety but me truly feeling as though the relationship is over. Though anytime we talk about that or I think about it it makes me so upset to the point of tears. My bf is so wonderful when we discuss this but he did say that he just wants me to be happy, whatever the outcome and that he doesn’t want me to stay in this relationship for the wrong reasons (comfort, scared of leaving etc) which seriously spiked me and its all I can obsess over the past few days. I keep telling myself that love is a choice, so even if i’m having a bad day I’m still choosing my boyfriend and showing up and doing loving things. I just feel like i’m trying to convince myself i love him when that’s not the case
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#2267

Postby Vany311 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:02 pm

It has happened to be 5 times with 5 different people! And they all feel like I want to run and leave. I don’t want to keep doing that! I ran too much because of my fears. This is the only advise I can give you.
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#2268

Postby cric0624 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:23 am

That is true. I know that this is a good relationship and I’m not going to give up on it that easily! How have you been doing?
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#2269

Postby Vany311 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 1:17 pm

Me well last weekend I was at bliss I thought I had conquered it all. This weekend I feel just “ok” and yesterday night i did not feel anything. And then j said to my head do you really need to be feeling anything every five minutes??? I said that even if I felt numb I was still going to focus on what Love really is and today I woke up better. I also sign up for a course of meditation. I am really determined to get my mind straight with practice. When my mind is clear of thoughts I feel love towards my boyfriend, and appreciation. I want to learn how to truly meditate. This take time and the only thing that can keep us going is patient and faith.
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#2270

Postby andrajackson » Sat Nov 18, 2017 6:13 pm

Hey anxietybucket, I feel that you have mixed thoughts of losing your love and not helping him. I ensure you that you love him very much and you do not want to lose him at any cost. Do not lose hope do whatever you can do for him. He needs your love.
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#2271

Postby cric0624 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:32 pm

Hi guys, just wanted to send a quick update. I've been struggling recently with the feeling of being "trapped" or, at least that's what I think. I was snowed in with my bf over the weekend and I did enjoy our time together. However, when we were doing cute things like dancing to Christmas music and making a gingerbread house, I just felt nothing at all. I tried to calm myself down and remind myself that you cannot possibly feel everything at every moment, and there were times when I felt some joy return. However I also feel like I need to be by myself for awhile - not a break up! - but just spend some time alone. This freaks me out because I used to love spending every minute with my boyfriend and I get worried that I'll never want to live with him if I can't stand being around him all the time. However, I do know that it is finals week at school and I have a ton of work to do, so my anxiety is most likely being caused by that and projecting onto him. Even though I can name it as a projection, it is hard to convince my mind of it.
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#2272

Postby AJ01101996 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:02 am

I don't know if this happens to guys as well, I haven't read the entire thread. I'm a 21 year old who has been in a wonderful relationship for the last two years November 12th we celebrated our second anniversary.
It was all good till 1st December, we had a heated argument that morning. We resolved the problem soon and carried on to the rest of the day so in the afternoon me and her we meet up. We had some coffe everything was fine till a guy i knew a while back showed up there and we had a casual conversation, (i hate that dude, he stole something that was very precious to me a couple of years ago, AAAND he's probably better looking than me) so I tell her "yeah that's him, the guy who stole it". For a while I felt like she was checking him out (but she wasn't she keeps repeatedly assuring me that, and I believe it too) I felt a little zoned out, I couldn't get my mind to focus on anything. I came back to my shop and all of a sudden I started getting this fuzzy feeling in my head, my head was spinning and I felt like I was about to pass out, so I drove back home and after a while I started feeling weird altogether, I kept asking myself "do I love her??" And then it all went sour. It has been 3 weeks now and I'm still figuring out what it is. She knows about all of this. I even tried breaking up but I just broke down in front of her.
A part of me says "I love her" the other says "you don't" "you're pretending" "you're gonna hurt her". I felt good for a day once ao we had sex, but I cried even after that(we had a wonderful sex life). I don't know what I'm scared of the anxiety making me feel like I don't love her, or those being my real feelings and giving me anxiety. I have clarity in the evening like "Its all a game your mind is playing!!" And sometimes I'll give myself anxiety like "you weren't thinking of her, you clearly don't love her!!".
I don't know if this is of any relevance but I had a really REALLY bad health anxiety last year (November to May) I was convinced that I had lung cancer, even after repeated doctors visits I'd still be looking up every little thing happening on/in my body on the internet.
Sometimes I have the urge to call her and say "Dude, I love you so much!" But then I wonder again "Am I saying this to convince myself that I love her??"
Then I think I should go see my GP and tell them what's happening but then I again fear "what if they say that I really am not in love anymore".
She's the beam of light that saved me from myself last year, she stood by me everytime I'd have a breakdown about my health.
Please.. have any of you ever had thoughts lile I do??
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#2273

Postby AJ01101996 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:27 am

Update
Tomorrow, it will have been three complete weeks since the problems began. The first week was tough. I'd cry,. I'd wake up at 3:30-4. All day I'd be jittery! The second week I went to see a doctor and told her about what had been happening to me, and told her about the health anxiety I had last year. She gave me some meds. Sleep is a little better now, I have doubts in the morning which gradually subside over the day till night when I have some clarity.
The day before yesterday we met after her foreign language class, we laughed, we had a good time we kept driving around on her scooter. But at the back of my head I still had some doubts and confusion and despite the fun I was having. My question is, I don't feel as much trouble as I did a week ago when the thoughts like "you don't love her" "DO you love her??". Now I'm not anxious, so THIS gives me anxiety again. Like "Oh god!!! Am I being okay with not feeling for her all the time??" I work 10 am to 8-9 pm at my shop most of the time I spend looking and lurking on the internet if somebody has the same feelings, Even in this forum I've gone as back as post 1965 there's 2000+ posts on her and I'm going back in a reverse order. I cannot have enough!
I will have moments of clarity like "f*** yeah!! I love her!!!!!" An I'll also have moments of doubt "You weren't worrying about you and her, you really think you love her?"
And I'm down with suffering in this pit. What troubles me is, she suffers too, we met everyday for at least two hours before all of this!! Now we meet once a week.
Also the first week I was having trouble even saying "I love you" to her but now it's relatively easy.
Gid help us all.
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#2274

Postby seekingpeace23 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:57 pm

Hey

I am lost and need help. I am in contact unhappy mode since 6 months. This will be little long post.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is Canadian and I am Indian.I live in canada. I was born and brought up in india. I live with my boyfriend past 2 years. Last november, I had a small incident where i live that just threw me off and put me in panic mode. I decided to go to india for a visit. My parents came back with me to stay with us (me and my boyfriend)for 4 months. Few days then i use to feel sad. like i remember calling my boyfriend and just crying and saying"i dont feel good". Thats all i knew. But i use to smoke that time, so i use to feel better once i was home.

as my parents were leaving, me and my bf got in big fight(biggest we had so far). and then for 2 weeks i was just disconnected with world. Like i felt no feelings. I felt numb. When we went to drop of my parents, i was sad but not crying. I started questioning myself that why m not crying, something is off. I stopped smoking since then, as it made me very anxious and feeling like im going crazy and will die.
I kept researching online that do i have some mental disorder? All day at work, i just did one thing-google!
All i was doing was trying to find a reason for me feeling"off". Like someone just switched off a button in my mind, where i stopped feeling the connection with my family, my sister, my boyfriend. Then i went to hospital one day thinking im getting a heart attack, all it was a panic attack. I got a relief and then a question popped- DO I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND? is my unhappiness/ off feeling because i dont want to live with him and just want my family? Like i know i love my family and miss them being around-but i need to realise that i am 28 and cant live with them all the time.
I kept comparing my feelings, checking how im feeling with him, I dnt feel like having sex with him. I just feel like cuddling him, hugging him. But then a voice comes"are you acting? "I feel anxious when i hear I love you. I ask my friend, who are married that how they feel about there husband? and then i feel-why i dont feel like that-that menas i dont love him? Sometimes i feel i have anxiety and thats making me not feel the love, I feel better after that (but still this off feeling doesn't go away). And then i worry "of its not anxiety-may be i dont love hima and just trying to fool everyone and live in denial"

I am going for CBT, but she doesn't get it. She focuses only on my relationship and how to make it better. I am very scared. I just want to be like i was 6 months back. Happy with him!

one thing that has got stuck in my head is that-may be i should marry someone from my culture? May be then i will not have these issues. May be we are not meant t be together and i am just in denial? May be i will just break up one day. Now i am getting convinced that i dont want him. But i really dont want to lose him. He is the best person i ever know.

I hope to get some help there?
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#2275

Postby hart123 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 12:12 pm

It been 6 months since I was last on here I stopped coming on as I seemed to get over my relationship anxiety I was so happy I even got engaged but Me been silly I stopped thearpy and my anxiety meds then ended up going through really stressful time now my anxiety and depression are back and these awful doubts creeped back in I hope I can get through it for a second time I found last time as I started to feel happier within myself all the doubts just went
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#2276

Postby forestcritter » Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:09 pm

I strongly relate to much of what is said here, and this past year since my dad died I have been feeling extreme anxiety about my relationship with my girlfriend.

Since this time I've gotten some therapy for other issues which aren't directly related to my relationship, and I've realized a few things about myself and my relationship which have greatly reduced my anxiety.

1. I wasn't feeling anxiety directly because of the relationship, my mind was in pain and wanted to grapple onto something, and exaggerate something to the extreme because that's what the mind does when it's in pain, it obsesses about something. This doesn't mean I don't have issues in the relationship, but they shouldn't have been causing me that much grief.

2. The amount of pressure I put on the relationship to be something that would save me from pain was a big part of what caused me so much anxiety. I have always been obsessed with true love since the first time I fell in love when I was an adolescent and so each future relationship I had I felt like it had to be this certain thing, or a certain way, or I'd never be happy. This fear that I have of not having 'true love', in turn prevents me from feeling the beauty all around me, and the beauty of my girlfriend. When I am at peace and not worrying about whether she is 'the one' or even realizing that perhaps she is not 'the one' or even that I may never find 'the one', and realizing that that really doesn't matter, it's not the end of the world if we end up together or not, or if I do decide to stay with her and never find 'the one'. Once I let go of these expectations, and realize that if I just chill and stop forcing everything to be something, I can feel the way I want to feel whenever I want and it doesn't depend on another person. Once I let go of everything, then all of this pressure subsides, and I begin to feel wonderful things about the world, and enjoy my time with my partner, and in a way I can see that true love is all around and I feel a bit in love with the world itself and life is good. I think this pressure concept is especially true for all of us as I notice people tend to get their anxiety triggered during what are suppose to be magical moments between the sufferer and the partner. E.g. when you are having a cute moment dancing around in your home or whatever. I think these are triggers because we automatically test whether this moment which is obviously supposed to be magical, really is all that magical. And so if it doesn't feel exactly a certain way, we freak out. But in reality it doesn't need to be anything. Nothing needs to be any specific way. Once you stop being afraid of moments and feelings needing to be an exact way, then you might actually start feeling some of the good feelings you are trying to force.

3. I needed to stop being afraid of everything. When I was in relationship anxiety mode I was afraid of staying because I thought I might be squandering my life on a relationship which was not as fulfilling as one that I might otherwise have had, or that I was ruining my partner's life, or that if I left I would regret it and ruin my own life, etc. etc. I'm sure you know all of these feelings well. I realized that this fear is just a generic fear of everything, it is the essence of anxiety, and comes from the pain within you. If you work on that pain, either through therapy, or meditation, or whatever it is you need to do, then the fear will begin to subside, and you'll realize that whatever does happen -- stay together, split up, whatever, it's not something to be afraid of. It's just life. And when you aren't afraid of everything it can be very beautiful, and without the fear you will begin to feel the way you want to feel.

4. Most importantly you need to start doing more self-care. Meditation, exercise, whatever. I realized that I was putting all of the expectations of self-care on the relationship. I thought the joy of the relationship would take care of everything. To the point where the exercise I used to so enjoy declined substantially, and the amount of time I spent on my hobbies was reduced, and the amount of time I spent on other relationships with family and friends which previously fulfilled me was reduced. I didn't realize how negatively it was affecting me to neglect these parts of myself, and I began to resent my partner for it because I thought she was preventing me from doing these things because I had to spend so much time with her, and in turn I felt like I needed to be alone more. When in reality I just needed to start spending more time on the things I love. It is an issue if your partner doesn't allow you to do those things enough. Perhaps you need to discuss this with your partner. In any case you must spend a good amount of time doing things you love or you will inevitably feel a lack of love for anything.

Ultimately I say that if you have any chance of being successful in any relationship you have to learn to fall in love with life, and yourself, first. If you're always waiting on another person to make you feel the way you want to feel then there's a pretty small chance that you're going to be happy. It's hard to believe that the love you can feel for yourself and for the world is as fulfilling as the notion of 'true love' or whatever it is we think another person needs to give us, but it is pretty close and it is needed in order to make an informed decision about anything in life.
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#2277

Postby Vbx » Fri Feb 16, 2018 4:53 pm

Hey Guys,

I've not been here in a really long time as i felt like i had "recovered" but i'm back with a bit of hope!

I've recently had OCD again except i'm not worried about not loving my boyfriend I've actually broke up with him for very good reason but i'm swinging between why i should be with him (what i miss) and why i shouldn't which i can't seem to let go of. I want to drop it and see where things go you know not panicking ever time i even consider what it would take to get back together, but i just couldn't chill as it gives me the same scary feelings as the ROCD (i feel like what you guys are going through is still worse tho). I've has so much anxiety and I've started with panic attacks .... which is where i seriously draw the line.

Then i came across a therapy called BWRT.
I'm into my 2nd proper session and i can say that it has helped SO SO much i woke up this morning and my body just didnt react or give me any anxiety about the given subject! It almost rewires your brain creating a new pathway and gets rid of the reaction you'd usually feel!

i feel like you should all give it a read for yourselves and go through the testimonials cause i'm really impressed with it :)

- Hope you're all okay!!
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#2278

Postby James80UK » Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:08 pm

Hi guys.

Such am interesting thread. I'm so sorry for those of you currently suffering through this.

I'm on the other side. My girlfriend of 3 and a bit months broke up with me last year out of the blue. It was only a short relationship but on the face of it was perfect. We've known each other a long time and had both come through some really rough times that threw us together. It got serious very quickly.

I knew she suffered from anxiety. But was fairly ignorant of what that meant. After a great weekend we both fell ill.amd didn't see each other for a week or two. She then started to withdraw until she called it off (through whatsapp) saying she cpuldnt put me through what she was going through. Since then she's variously told me I can do better than her etc. Right now we have limited contact (we work together so do see each other now and again) I also have a feeling she might be in a new relationship, although if she is it seems very different to ours and just seems to revolve around going to the pub.

I've done a lot of online reading to try and make sense of it all. I'd initially just thought it was depression as she went into an MDE soon after we broke up. But reading through this thread makes so much sense. Obviously I cannot confirm it but the descriptions of ROCD all ring true.

I think it's too late for us. I really love her but she seems to have moved on and I cannot interfere if she has truly moved on. I'll always keep some hope that she may one day may speak to me about it at least. It's been such a heartbreaking process and I feel like something potentially great has been stolen from us.

I'd just like to urge anyone who is feeling this way towards their SO but knows in their heart of hearts that something isn't right (you just dont lose feelings that quicklyif there has been no serious issues in the relationship. It doesnt happen) please speak to them. If they cant handle it then you can move on with no guilt but chances are they will stand by you and support you. Don't let anxiety rob you of something potentially great.
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