In love with another man, but I'm MARRIED!!! What do I do?

Postby Crazy_Distressed » Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:52 pm

I have been beating myself up about this for quite some time. My husband is away on military leave and I have accidentally fallen in love with another man. It started off as a good friendship, and lately I've come to realize I love him, I feel so guilty but completely wonderful at the same time. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man. He has also told me that he loves me, but we are both in agreement that right now nothing can happen. We are going with the flow, not doing anything significant, but not ending anything all the same.

My husband and I have been married a little bit over a year, but have been together for 3, I don't feel there is anything wrong with our relationship but there has to be if I'm doing this! I don't feel I could bring myself to leave him, even if it means I'm unhappy. We have one child together, and I have another from a previous relationship that he has raised since she was 3 months old.

My problem is that this man wants to be with me, not just saying he is because my husband is gone. He has said he knows I am married and will not push anything on me, no matter what I choose he will still be my friend and be here for me. He has had many girls hint around about dating, but he told me all he can think about is that he wished that was me asking. I feel like I'm living a fantasy that will only end in sorrow. I have even entertained thoughts of what life would be like with this other man.

I don't want to hurt anyone. But I know that's not going to happen. My husband put his trust in me & I feel like I'm betraying him, even if we haven't had a full blown affair. I feel like a worthless person, I'm just looking for some truth in all this. I know that sometimes to be happy you need to jump through hoops, and you might regret your decision. I'm just thinking that maybe he could be the one, and my husband was a stepping stone towards it.

I wont do anything against my husband, but I feel emotionally I already have. I don't want to lose what I have with this guy, but I don't want to lose my husband. THAT sounds logical doesn't it? I'm in pieces right now thinking about it, some advice would be great.
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#1

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:04 pm

It's already gone to far with the other guy. It's not possible to 'accidentally' fall in love, especially not when you're married. truth is, you've made choices all along teh way to let things happen, to spend time with him, to let yourself feel things, to indulge the fantasy, to talk to him about these things. Each one of those decisions already was a decision against your marriage and your husband. Perhaps you didn't see the full effect of the cumulation of them, but if you had thought about it, you could have predicted.

So, I think it's disingenuous that you won't do anything against your husband. You already have. The question is, how much more do you want to do? How far are you willing to go?

YOu are at a crossroads. You simply have to choose. This way or that. You won't know if you made the right choice until it's doen and you let go of the other option, whether its your husband or your other man. You have to just choose and go one way or the other.

The way you will hurt your husband is to NOT choose, but carry on in this grey area, in love wiht two people and not fully committed to either.

The act of kindness and love is to make your choice and either get in for good on your marriage, or leave him to get on with his life and find someone who will commit to him fully.

These are your options.
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#2

Postby Candid » Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:24 am

I feel like I'm living a fantasy that will only end in sorrow.
I'm glad you have this rational thought!

With one child from a previous liaison and another with your husband, where are you headed?

The grass is always greener elsewhere, isn't it? You probably don't believe this right now, but if you go off with this new guy eventually you'll be looking elsewhere.

You might want to read up about abandonment issues. Something in your life has made you this way: wanting a relationship, finding after a while that it doesn't make you happy, and then retreating to find someone 'better'. You see, it isn't about the various partners; it's about you.

Look after yourself first. That might involve counselling or therapy. When you love who you are, you'll be better placed to face up to your responsibilities.
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#3

Postby ellla » Sun Feb 13, 2011 11:41 pm

Crazy_Distressed wrote: . I feel like I'm living a fantasy that will only end in sorrow. I have even entertained thoughts of what life would be like with this other man.

I don't want to hurt anyone. But I know that's not going to happen. My husband put his trust in me & I feel like I'm betraying himg about it, some advice would be great.



I think you need to get rid of the idea that your living a fantasy ..because you are NOT everything you are thinking and doing is Oh so real and if you don't get it together pretty soon you may end up making decisions that are going to cost you dear.

Taking into consideration all that you've said. I don't believe you are in love with this man. Fact is your husband is away and you are lonely nothing to be ashamed of but certainly something you need to address.
Of course this man wants to be with you likely he's got needs and desires to. But YOU need to decide on what's right for you. This shouldn't be about him at all.

My suggestion would be to calm things right down - there is no need for s ex ..well there might be - but what I'm saying is s ex is the final stage in intimacy between a man and woman - and this type of complication is not what you need.

What you have in this man is friendship and real time communication - something your husband cant give you at the moment due to the nature of his work. You are saying you still love your husband in a long term and romantic way.

If this is true then give him the benefit of the doubt - that he's the man for you until he comes home . make no big decisions until after this time. As far as we know your husband as has been fair with you allow him the "grace of time" to come home. Before you do something your bound to regret.

Also It will likely defuse things and give you the space you need to think straight if you inform your gentleman friend of the same too.
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#4

Postby Crazy_Distressed » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:20 am

With more time thought into this my path is clear. My previous relationship (unmarried, throw your stones) was very abusive, so I left. There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking out for myself and if you think so...well too bad.
The fact is, I got married in a hurry, thought I was happy but I was really just putting on my game face. As soon as he left for basic training, I felt this relief, I thought it was wrong that I should feel happy that my husband is gone, but that's simple truth. I don't feel depressed, anxious, sad, angry, or anything but relaxed and happy. This was before me & they other guy got involved.
I'm just not in love with my husband. The things he does, the things he says, "You make me so frustrated I want to hit you...but I wouldn't". That's grounds enough for me, I will not stand for abuse, even in the lower forms. I am not saying I am a perfect wife, but I don't hit my husband or do any sort of physical abuse, I hardly even nag. If I want to talk about the problems in our relationship he gets mad and says I'm pouting or making excuses. We've been together 3 years, married 1 year. I can't stay in a relationship if I'm not happy. Even if this other man was not in the picture, I would still end up getting a divorce somewhere down the road.
Not to mention my dreams have been telling me all along its a horrible pair, not to sound like a hippie, but dreams are your subconscious thoughts.
I have dreams about tornadoes or multiple tornadoes about every night, if not every week.
Tornado

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Your plans will be filled with much complications and you will be met with a series of disappointments.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

Recurring dreams repeat themselves with little variation in story or theme. These dreams may be positive, but most often they are nightmarish in content. Dreams may recur because a conflict depicted in the dream remains unresolved or ignored. Once you find a resolution to the problem, your recurring dreams will cease.

A few days ago I had a dream of the tornado cloud, but no tornado. Before I went to bed I had decided I was getting a divorce. You can't deny that.

Call me crazy, call me niave, but I want to be happy. Even if I am by myself, I just want happiness. That is one of the most basic needs, I don't doubt any of you would want less.

I am not doing anything until he comes back, I do not want to stress him out while he's in basic training.
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#5

Postby Terminator02 » Tue Feb 22, 2011 2:51 pm

I read up to the dreams stuff on Tornado. Not a fan of dream analysis. However, Why wait for your husband to come home? You don't want to distract him while in training?

What is striking is that the first post discusses that there is nothing wrong with your relationship and your husband. People responded (maybe a bit presumptuous) and then he is a verbally abusive husband whom threatens physical abuse. You vehemently state you will not tolerate abuse. OK. You should leave. I think your thoughts go there to justify this emotional affair.

Look, you said you aren't a perfect wife. Are you a bit impulsive? I mean you did say that you both got together and married quickly. Just as you aren't perfect; neither is he. But why did you marry him if it really wasn't there to begin with?

This is just a little bit of ideology I have learned along my path. It may make sense; it may not. If you want to be with someone else, then go be with that person. Be honest to your husband. He has military time to heal. I used to counsel people coming out of prison and often times they would be able to "get over" the lover since they HAD to enforce no contact and focus on other things; SURVIVING. This is very similar to his situation. Just be honest. If you are not then you are going to keep going further into this affair. Would you like to be treated like that?

To clarify, I am not implying to just be impulsive. However you are pretty clear it isn't there. So the best thing to do is to be honest that you are leaving and then you will not be having your "affair." I would rather someone just be honest with me so that they don't play both sides of the fence. Many people keep their spouse as a safety while they go outside to play but come back when they get bitten from a bee. What is fair is to take your chances on this guy who is "everything you want in a man." If it works, then at least you were honest and gave him the respect of continuing to move forward, begin to heal and move on. Delaying this is only messier.

However it is a little unfortunate that some of your most intense experiences have been with someone who was physically abusive to you and you had a child with him and then remarried a person you didn't really love and were happy when he would be deploying overseas.

Something tells me this guy (Mr. Amazing) isn't exactly how he is perceived by you. It sounds quite "playerish" to discuss all these other women who have interest in him but he is "holding out" for Mommy with two kids from different fathers. There is nothing wrong with that, but that IS a lot to contend with at a young age. Then there is the issue of the fathers and the boyfriend all having to co-exist. Then there is the issue of the kids being subjected to different men in and out of their lives.

See..it's not all about you and your feelings. You have different obligations as a mother and yes, some of that is sacrifice and the ability to think for your children's needs above yours.

You can further your dissonance by rebutting and justifying why this "FEEL" right but I think you need to THINK more than feel in this situation. I think you need to consider your childrens' needs. I think you need to be single, find your identify and move forward. Your self concept is wrapped up in these, as your report, physically and verbally abusive men and therefore you need a lot of time to heal; not another douche bag.
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#6

Postby Crazy_Distressed » Tue Feb 22, 2011 7:41 pm

daveh98, you provided some good points! Right now I don't know why I married him, I think it was because I was trying to make my family happy and show them I had a family. My mom died about a year ago so now I don't think any of that matters, showing them I have a perfect family not the family itself. I also think I changed a little bit and my husband didn't change with me.
I know in my first post its nothing like the last, and maybe I am making excuses, but the bottom line is I'm not happy with him. I'm not going to jump right into another relationship and start the cycle all over again, I'm going to be single for at least a year. And yes of course I've thought of the implications it will have on my kids, I'm not looking for another father, I'm looking for happiness. If I'm not happy, it will show in my kids. I'm not really worried about this man acting like a father figure, he's older and responsible, but like I said, do NOT expect or want him to replace the fathers in my kids' lives.
As for the abuse and all, my first relationship from my daughter that I did not marry was very abusive so I left. This one, from my original post was about 2 weeks after he left. I think I was still trying to live my fantasy of the perfect marriage and nothing was wrong etc etc. Maybe I'm conjuring up excuses, but most of them are just things I've ignored over the past 3 years.
I have suggested marriage counseling, I have tried to talk with him about our problems and what we can do to change them, nothing works. He gets very angry when I try to talk with him, that's when he threatened to hit me. Some of it is manageable, like the way he proposed, and some of it isn't, like the absolute lack of interaction no matter what I say. Over time we just don't talk or interact with each other AT ALL. We've only been together 3 years! Married a year!
Honestly, I just want to be on my own, live my life the way I want to live it not how someone tells me to do it. Probably sounds a little childish, but I haven't had much of that chance since I turned 17, I'm 23 now.
I made mistakes, I tried to pretend I didn't and ride them out, its biting me in the butt now. Chalk it up as young and dumb if you want, but in all honesty I think my main goal was to show my family I had the American dream.
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#7

Postby ellla » Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:11 am

Crazy_Distressed wrote:daveh98, you provided some good points! Right now I don't know why I married him, I think it was because I was trying to make my family happy and show them I had a family. My mom died about a year ago so now I don't think any of that matters, showing them I have a perfect family not the family itself. I also think I changed a little bit and my husband didn't change with me.
I know in my first post its nothing like the last, and maybe I am making excuses, but the bottom line is I'm not happy with him. I'm not going to jump right into another relationship and start the cycle all over again, I'm going to be single for at least a year. And yes of course I've thought of the implications it will have on my kids, I'm not looking for another father, I'm looking for happiness. If I'm not happy, it will show in my kids. I'm not really worried about this man acting like a father figure, he's older and responsible, but like I said, do NOT expect or want him to replace the fathers in my kids' lives.
As for the abuse and all, my first relationship from my daughter that I did not marry was very abusive so I left. This one, from my original post was about 2 weeks after he left. I think I was still trying to live my fantasy of the perfect marriage and nothing was wrong etc etc. Maybe I'm conjuring up excuses, but most of them are just things I've ignored over the past 3 years.
I have suggested marriage counseling, I have tried to talk with him about our problems and what we can do to change them, nothing works. He gets very angry when I try to talk with him, that's when he threatened to hit me. Some of it is manageable, like the way he proposed, and some of it isn't, like the absolute lack of interaction no matter what I say. Over time we just don't talk or interact with each other AT ALL. We've only been together 3 years! Married a year!
Honestly, I just want to be on my own, live my life the way I want to live it not how someone tells me to do it. Probably sounds a little childish, but I haven't had much of that chance since I turned 17, I'm 23 now.
I made mistakes, I tried to pretend I didn't and ride them out, its biting me in the butt now. Chalk it up as young and dumb if you want, but in all honesty I think my main goal was to show my family I had the American dream.


If I were you I wouldn't make any decisions either way just yet. Obviously if your living with abuse you shouldn't stay. But if your marriage is really just suffering from a lack of communication then this is something you can gear yourself up to work on when your husband comes back.

Things sound pretty unstable for you were All Emotions are concerned at the moment.
And you cant make sensible decisions until things calm down. Then wait for the best opportunity to bring about the changes you AND the children need.
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#8

Postby SuzanDishongh » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:49 am

I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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#9

Postby SuzanDishongh » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:51 am

I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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#10

Postby SuzanDishongh » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:58 am

I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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#11

Postby SuzanDishongh » Wed Mar 02, 2011 9:00 am

I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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#12

Postby ilovesani » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:24 am

Crazy_Distressed wrote:I have been beating myself up about this for quite some time. My husband is away on military leave and I have accidentally fallen in love with another man. It started off as a good friendship, and lately I've come to realize I love him, I feel so guilty but completely wonderful at the same time. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man. He has also told me that he loves me, but we are both in agreement that right now nothing can happen. We are going with the flow, not doing anything significant, but not ending anything all the same.

My husband and I have been married a little bit over a year, but have been together for 3, I don't feel there is anything wrong with our relationship but there has to be if I'm doing this! I don't feel I could bring myself to leave him, even if it means I'm unhappy. We have one child together, and I have another from a previous relationship that he has raised since she was 3 months old.














i am also married have been married for one year now and i dont love my husband at allll i am inlove with a guy that is india and i am in canada i never felt this way to my husband and when i have sex i have no feeling with him i know he loves me but i dont and i dont feel anyything to him besides a friend nothing more i dont know what to think or even do i am going to india to meet this guy hes everything like me and we understand each other and everything i can tell him every thing i talk to him at least 8 times a day and i would do anything to him he says untilll i am fully his what do i do

My problem is that this man wants to be with me, not just saying he is because my husband is gone. He has said he knows I am married and will not push anything on me, no matter what I choose he will still be my friend and be here for me. He has had many girls hint around about dating, but he told me all he can think about is that he wished that was me asking. I feel like I'm living a fantasy that will only end in sorrow. I have even entertained thoughts of what life would be like with this other man.

I don't want to hurt anyone. But I know that's not going to happen. My husband put his trust in me & I feel like I'm betraying him, even if we haven't had a full blown affair. I feel like a worthless person, I'm just looking for some truth in all this. I know that sometimes to be happy you need to jump through hoops, and you might regret your decision. I'm just thinking that maybe he could be the one, and my husband was a stepping stone towards it.

I wont do anything against my husband, but I feel emotionally I already have. I don't want to lose what I have with this guy, but I don't want to lose my husband. THAT sounds logical doesn't it? I'm in pieces right now thinking about it, some advice would be great.
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#13

Postby ShatteredSoul » Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:36 am

I'm in a similar position. I love two men who both love me and are faithful to me. One is my husband, we've been together for 7 years, the other is my best friend and soulmate, we have been in love for 6 months and have a relationship since December.
I know I will have to choose but it's a choise between two completely different lives. My husband wants us to buy a house and have a baby but wants to limit the time I spend with my friends. My lover is still studying so if I choose him I have two years of enjoying my youth and freedom ahead of me but no certainty for the future at all.
The problem is that I'm not ready to have a child right now, but I don't want to wait years either, I'm already 25 years old. It doesn't feel right to choose my husband now and get pregnant knowing it will end in a divorce. I want to give my child a stable environment to grow up in but is that possible if you're divorced?
This decision will change my life and if I choose wrong I will never be happy so I too would appreciate some advice.
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#14

Postby lone waters » Tue Mar 29, 2011 2:49 pm

just think about the promise you made to your husband to stand by him forever for better or for worse. if you drop him for this guy, you're a liar and your promises mean nothing. so who are you? and if you cheat you're going for short term satisfaction instead of doing what's hard which would be turning the other guy down and staying with the one you promised to be with. it is hard but thats what will give you a great character.
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