My boyfriend twists the truth to make me feel guilty

Postby cpll72 » Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:49 am

Hi all.Here is my situation,i't's very long so i'm just going to give you the picture for you to understand.

My boyfriend and i met many years ago.I was 29 and he was 23.I'm Italian and he is Irish.I've been loving him ever since i met him,but he always pushed me away.We are now officially together,in a long distance relationship for two years,alternating each other to visit.I am now 38 and he is 32.

Recently his mom was terminal with cancer,so during the whole last month i tried to make my presence felt as much as i could,calling every day and being availeble at all times,but could not attend her funeral.

A few days after her funeral,talking on the phone i expressed my wish to start a family with him,really just verbally fantasizing about our future,in a moment i thought was intimate and sweet but he immediately sounded annoyed and hung up the phone.

When he didn't call back,later on in the day i sent a text message asking what it was that i said that made him hung up the phone on me and he replied"let's talk tomorrow,you need to give me some space",i replied "ok".

A few days later he calls,but as soon as i mention how bad and humiliated i felt he started shouting at me and accused me of being selfish and just thinking about myself in a moment of grief for him,of not being supporting,his actual words were"the day after my mother's death you are thinking about your biological clock??!".Than says that we are over and it's just not working for him.

Now i'm feeling terrible not only because of his violent reaction,but also because i've been accused of not respecting the death of a person,that by the way i adored.
I do realise tht there's nothing i can say to him at this moment but my question is:

Have i really been that selfish for talking about that stuff?what is your point of view on this? because i'm thinking that he's just twisting the truth to make me feel guilty to justify his bad reaction.He does it often when we argue badly.

I feel that i always have to watch my words with him in order not to set him off.
This has curbed my spontaneity and i developed anxiety attaks.
Thanks,please help,and ask me any question for you to understand better.

Cx
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#1

Postby sarsparilla » Tue Mar 15, 2011 12:04 pm

I guess most people have to watch their words when a partner's parent dies, that's not that unusual. But something about your post suggests that this isn't the only time he's responded like this to you.

I have to say, if you're 38 and you want children, you need to be working on it NOW. You don't have time for him to come around to the idea. Within two years your chances of conceiving even with IVF will be bobbing at around 5%. If you need an excuse to shortcut and terminate this, you have one right there.
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#2

Postby cpll72 » Tue Mar 15, 2011 12:30 pm

HI and thank you for your reply.You are right,it's not the first time he has responded like this to me..i feel torn between a feeling of guilt and hurt by his reaction.I feel sorry this happened at such a stressful time for him but i did not completely apologized.What should i do?
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#3

Postby 14thRoad » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:17 pm

TBH he doesnt sound like a good match for you, if "I feel that i always have to watch my words with him in order not to set him off. This has curbed my spontaneity and i developed anxiety attaks. ". Also, you live hundreds of miles apart. Also, you want a baby and time is running out, and he doesnt seem ready to commit to that. I don't think any of these reasons are trivial when considering how well matched you really are.
This reminded me of a cousin-in-law who at 42 ended a decade old relationship with her younger(like in your situation) partner (because she wanted children and he didnt, amongst other issues), who then at 43 got pregnant by a new guy, and then married, and now she has a healthy son, step-son, a whole different life in these respects and seems very happy with it. She got lucky. I think you really need to sit with yourself and work out what your priorities&options are now, at 38.

As for being selfish, yes I agree with your b/f. Your timing was lousy. Don't beat yourself up about it, these things happen. It's not always apparent where someone else is at when dealing with such a huge loss, but the point is he doesnt want to have to deal with your 'stuff' at the moment (even your great need to explain yourself and convey how bad you felt), and nor should he, he is deep in his own stuff. You say (and sarsparilla felt) that it's not the first time that he responded like this.... then I would suggest perhaps it isn't the first time that he felt you were being self-centred. Anyway, to emphasize, this point in time is not about you, it's about him, and his loss -- that's if you have a functioning relationship? I guess he has concluded that it doesnt function like that, when he needs it to.

Losing a parent to cancer can be truly horrific, it is not just that you deal with the loss, (he is probably only even begining to get to that point), but the demise over that period and death that you see can themselves be extremely traumatic, horrific, and it has other more far reaching (deeper) effects in your grief process. So cut the guy some slack. And cut yourself some slack, because this is not an easy situation for you either. So just make a very simple&sincere apology (but not over-emotional or wanting anything back from him), maybe send him a nice card, and say you hope that you can at some point both get the relationship back on track (if you still want to Cpll72) or at least talk about it, and say you are there for him to talk to as much or as little as he needs to talk, about what he's going through. I'm not sure what else you can do at this point with regards that.
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#4

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:18 pm

Grief makes you a bit crazy. It was very hard on my partner when mymother died. I wasn't not myself and pretty erratic emotionally. You must tread carefully now, that's for sure.

However, as youp ointed out, you are already walking on eggshells becuase of how he has reaacted to you in the past. So this is alarger problem.

And your clock is ticking - that's a fact probably = and it must be discusssed.

But not now. I would give him six months to get past the craziest part before you raise this big topic. He might come to it on his own because death makes you thik of the big issue sin your life.

Also death puts perspective on many things, such as our relationships. It could be the emotional pressure of grieving will reveal the cracks for him in your relationship.

My point is, this is an uncertain time. You're not wrong for bringing up the issue of children, but I advise you to put it on the back burner adn let things unfold in these uncertain emotional days. In six months you might not want to have that chat with HIM.

As for his wanting to break up - is he serious? I'd let him cool off. Apologize, say that the enormous importance of this death made you think about the important things in life - value of family, etc - but that you understand now is not a good time for him. Let's see if he backs down.
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#5

Postby cpll72 » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:59 pm

Thank you all so much for your great words of advice.I will do exactly that,apologise for the bad timing.You exactly put into words what made me want to talk about family at such a terrible time,the value of it that is highlighted by such a traumatic event.Thank you
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