how do get myself to feel like i'm good enough?

Postby lifelong confusion » Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:19 pm

i know logically i have no reason to feel this way, we're married and he's happy with me, but i'm always intimidated by every female in his life, be it a friend or even someone he sees on tv (lol, i know). I just can't shake off this feeling. My mind always goes "she's better looking than me, she's not a psycho like me, she's hotter" and so on. I constantly feel like he's comparing me to other women, even through it's probably actually me who's doing that. When we first became serious, it was hard for me to get over the fact he'd been with other girls before me (he was my first and only boyfriend and is now husband).What could i do to be happy with myself?
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#1

Postby Beloved » Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:13 pm

Here's a thumbnail sketch of causes

- personal standards that are set too high; expecting too
much of yourself

- not accepting yourself as you are, not admitting to your
inabilities and weaknesses. Denying your inabilities.

- a negative outlook on yourself in which your attention is
always on your weak points. Your focus is always on
them, you dwell on them, and you never see your strong
points.

- a habit of always setting difficult tasks for yourself, one
right after another, never giving yourself a chance to
rest, relax and enjoy life. Being too hard on yourself,
making life too hard.

- repeated failures in attempts to do one or more things.

- incidents in the past in which you have been embarrassed or
humiliated by an inability or weakness

I have to tell you I've had this feeling my whole life, and I know why, but conquering it is a whole 'nother thing.

Are we talking about jealousy here, without a basis in fact?
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#2

Postby lifelong confusion » Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:29 am

Yes, i'm jealous of each and every woman who he doesn't even know. I just feel this is so unhealthy, i have absolutely no reason to feel that way because he doesn't give me any reasons, but i still feel so threatened all the time, i can't relax.

I believe out of all the points you made, i definitely always have my attention on my weak points. And i guess i do set the bad high since i think that unless i look like a movie star im not good enough. There was a couple incidents in the past, but i don't feel like they played a big role in this. they made me embarrassed for a long time but now im mostly over them.

Yeah, i've been trying to analyze my thoughts and feelings lately, and knowing what causes them and what will fix them are too complete different things, sadly.
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#3

Postby Beloved » Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:36 am

BTW there should have been quotes around the points in my previous post.
Does the material below ring true? This time I remembered the quotes.

"Having a pattern of distrust and constantly thinking that other people are "out to get you," can be two major signs that a person is suffering from a somewhat serious condition. Having pathological jealousy in paranoid personality disorder is a condition that can often be overlooked or dismissed as something that is unimportant. If a person is suffering from this condition, they will have a very difficult time trusting people. They will often think that people are trying to trick them, deceive them or harm them. They will also often hold grudges and be very unforgiving of perceived insults.

This type of behavior can be difficult for friends or family to deal with. When a person with pathological jealousy in paranoid personality disorder overreacts to a comment or even counter attacks someone whose intentions were not malicious, it can upset everyone around them. These people can also have a difficult time discussing their reactions because they don't trust people very easily. Rather than wanting to talk about their behavior and get help, they will often keep things inside because they believe if they talk about it, it will be used against them. This type of behavior can make any type of relationship difficult to sustain.

If you are in a relationship with a person that exhibits some of these symptoms, it is important to remember that there is help available. In a relationship, people with pathological jealousy in paranoid personality disorder will often accuse their significant other of cheating or other suspicious activity. The accusations can be set off by the smallest event or it can be totally unprovoked. When this happens, it is vital to consider the fact that this condition is something that affects the brain and might not necessarily represent that person's true identity.

Treatment options for this condition are available if the person is willing to admit that there might be something wrong. Nobody really knows what causes pathological jealousy in paranoid personality disorder, but it has been traced back to childhood experiences and possibly some genetic factors. Psychotherapy is the main treatment that has been used to help people with this condition. The most difficult thing about the treatment is the person with the condition has a difficult time trusting the mental health worker. If this initial stage of distrust can be breached, then the therapy has been proven to work. There are also some medications available to treat the condition, but they do not get to the root of the problem.

Sarah Jenson, who suffered and overcome jealousy has put together a complimentary report called How To Overcome Jealousy. It will instantly help you with your issues of beating jealousy."
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#4

Postby lifelong confusion » Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:05 am

yes, a lot of this rings true.
These people can also have a difficult time discussing their reactions because they don't trust people very easily. Rather than wanting to talk about their behavior and get help, they will often keep things inside because they believe if they talk about it, it will be used against them.


I'm like that. I can't talk about it because i believe it would mean letting my guard down too much, and that he will either make me suffer from it even more giving me actual reasons to be jealous, or think less of me because of that. And it's not just about jealousy, it took me a lot of effort and time together to admit i have insecurities, and to this day im not sure if i feel like it was the right choice and sometimes i regret i opened up. I just feel like he'll think he can use this to his benefit to torture me, or think i'm pathetic because of that.

But then i am a paranoid person overall. when im jealous, people are always asking "why are you with him if you don't trust him?"
because it's not about him, it's about me. I can't trust anyone. i don't even trust myself.
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#5

Postby Beloved » Thu Apr 21, 2011 2:31 pm

This is not easily solved.
If you are not comfortable with your own conduct ["ego dystonic"] that will help.

Did you have a lot of uncertainty when you were a kid?
Do you have occupational difficulties?
Do you read personal meanings into what other people regard as neutral stimuli [ideas of reference]?
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#6

Postby lifelong confusion » Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:34 am

yes, i grew up in a broken home. If you want, you can read my post in the depression section of the forum called "do i have abandonment issues". it paints a good picture of my childhood. I did and still do have a lot of uncertainty and confusion, hence my name.
im currently basically a stay at home wife, but we both work at home and i also help my hubby with his business. I don't think i have issues in that department though.
yes, i always look for underline meaning when it comes to what other people say, i pretty much always interpret things in a negative way, even when people don't mean to put it that way.
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#7

Postby troyman » Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:03 am

Practical things you can do.

Start doing something that makes you feel good or give you a sense of achievement.
Usually activities such as working out doesn't only make you feel good, but also look good.

Start pursuing your own passions, so you don't get all caught up in your husbands business. Show him(and more importantly yourself), what kind of a woman you are, a woman who have passions in life and pursue it. If you don't have any passion, find one. Go through a list of passions until you hit something that resonates within you.

Experience life! Go out and experience life. You can travel, you can take the yoga class or dance class you've always been thinking about. The more experiences in life you have, the more confident you'll be. Because you'll be looking back on these experiences as proof of how awesome you are. If you could travel across Europe and learn how to dance tango in a few months, there's nothing you can't do. You are amazing and therefor good enough. Note: You've always been good enough, you just needed to make yourself realize that.

Girl friend time? You should spend time with your girl friends. That is pretty self explanatory. I don't know how your situation is, but getting a female perspective outside of the box is always valuable.
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