Huge guilt over sexual fantasies

Postby burton81 » Wed May 11, 2011 2:40 pm

Hi !

First let me introduce myself with some background info, as it may help.

I'm a 30 years old male, and I broke up 6 months ago with the woman I thought would be the love of my life, and since that, I'm in a mild depression. I resigned from my job, and I'm currently unemployed, even though I have a master's degree...

So the lack of sexual relations for 6 months got me through questioning my sexuality, ruminating about past sexual acts I did when I was a teenager etc.

And because of ruminating, and the loss of all my self confidence, I ended up analyzing my sexual fantasies.

And what bothers me, is that I had a lot of incestuous fantasies, but not in an abusing way, or molesting, nor pedophiliac. I never had a fantasy about abusing someone, molesting, raping or any kind of violence.

My fantasies would include my cousins, male and female, aunt by marriage, and one of my uncle, who is the brother of my mother.

I never had any fantasies regarding my sister or my mother though.

And now, I'm having huge guilt over these fantasies, because I say to myself they were not normal, immoral, etc. And I don't understand why this bothers me now, as if I totally lost the rational part of me who was thinking "They're just harmless fantasies".

Plus, theses fantasies were not exclusives, I always had a lot of different kind of fantasies without incestuous stuff in there.

I saw a sexologist and a psychologist, and they said to me there was nothing wrong with that, and that we all have weird fantasies, and that the notion of "normal" fantasies simply does not exist.

But even with this re-assurance, I'm still very anxious, feeling very guilty, and, for exemple, when my uncle from my fantasy comes to visit me, my anxiety reaches high level because I say to myself "What if he knew about this ?"

So if you have any kind of advice on how to handle this, I would appreciate this a lot.

:(
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#1

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed May 11, 2011 9:06 pm

I agree with the professionals you've already seen. You need to stop giving yourself such a hard time over this! People fantasize about all sorts of odd things. It doesn't mean for one minute you want them to come true! You certainly aren't on your own with such things.
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#2

Postby burton81 » Wed May 11, 2011 9:14 pm

Thanks !

But I always go like "If my mum/uncle/cousin knew about that, they would hate me so much !"

And it's very distressing. :?
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#3

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed May 11, 2011 9:29 pm

If your mum/uncle/cousin new about my fantasies, they'd probably hate me too! :lol:

I think that you'd find that they'd think you were human and think nothing of it!
What you are forgetting, is that they are all human too, so they all have fantasies! Goodness knows what they could be! We all have things like that.

Just forget about it.....really! You've done nothing wrong.
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#4

Postby burton81 » Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 pm

Thank you very much ! You are right !
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#5

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed May 11, 2011 9:37 pm

I think that sometimes our mind is turned on by things that we know are risky or taboo. It's something other than normal day to day life, so it's attractive.
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#6

Postby burton81 » Wed May 11, 2011 9:38 pm

Yeah I think the same, but I think the depression emphasize the guilt. :)
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#7

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed May 11, 2011 10:01 pm

Very probably. I get a degree of obsessive behaviour with my depression, and dwelling on a particular thought, can be a symptom.
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#8

Postby offplanet » Fri May 13, 2011 3:00 am

A psychologist said something interesting. She said that if you have a secret, it can make you feel guilty. Just the fact of it being secret can make you feel like there's something wrong with it. She also said, people don't want to know your secrets. Keep them to yourself, and don't feel that there's anything wrong with them.
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#9

Postby burton81 » Fri May 13, 2011 3:00 pm

Thanks for all your answers, it's been very usefull, and I'm still open to other advices though. :)

Because I always feel like I'm the only one having these kind of fantasies, or at least, not as many as me. :roll:
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#10

Postby offplanet » Sat May 14, 2011 1:21 am

burton81 wrote:Thanks for all your answers, it's been very usefull, and I'm still open to other advices though. :)

Because I always feel like I'm the only one having these kind of fantasies, or at least, not as many as me. :roll:


Don't worry, you're not the only one. Many people have these or similar disturbing thoughts, its just that they are not talked about. It's the trouble with having an overactive mind. If one has a very active mind, one is bound to have some disturbing thoughts. Try not to let them seem important. Because you think something, doesn't mean it matters or is significant. Some people don't have such an active imagination, or a repetative type of thinking. It's just the different way we're wired. It doesn't mean that you're bad and they're ok.

Also, people don't need to know everything we think about them. It wouldn't work!
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#11

Postby burton81 » Sat May 14, 2011 9:17 am

Thanks ! But the problem is that they're not just fantasies, or thoughts, they were sexual fantasies I brought while masturbating... and it's killing me... :(
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#12

Postby offplanet » Sat May 14, 2011 12:41 pm

burton81 wrote:Thanks ! But the problem is that they're not just fantasies, or thoughts, they were sexual fantasies I brought while masturbating... and it's killing me... :(

Even so, its STILL ok. Peope don't have control over what they think while masturbating. Lots of people get fantasies which disturb them. You might be suffering from a form of obsessive compusive disorder. Have you looked into that?
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#13

Postby burton81 » Sat May 14, 2011 12:48 pm

Thanks ! But it seems I always had control over my fantasies.
And yeah I always suspected some kind of OCD disorder, since it's the first time I feel guilt over these fantasies, and had never any problem with that before.

But my therapist and sexologist, never thought about OCD though.
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#14

Postby offplanet » Sun May 15, 2011 1:23 am

burton81 wrote:Thanks ! But it seems I always had control over my fantasies.
And yeah I always suspected some kind of OCD disorder, since it's the first time I feel guilt over these fantasies, and had never any problem with that before.

But my therapist and sexologist, never thought about OCD though.

I was thinking about the 'pure O' type of OCD which doesnt involve physical rituals like the stereotypical handwashing type. It's more about thought 'rituals' where you try overanalyze and try to come to an acceptable (to you) conclusion about yourself. What you said about worrying about what they would think if they knew the thoughts about them made me suspect this type of OCD. There's a thing called 'scrupulosity' where you are excessively concerned with being pure and honest. The way to overcome it is to decide to accept 'less than perfect', which can be revolutionay in one's life.

From what I saw on Foxtel when I had pay TV there kinds of sexuality which were unheard of 10 years ago, and untalked of. When you consider what is talked about on TV by a few people who don't mind being open about it, imagine what else is out there not talked about.
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