girlfriend doesn't listen

Postby sdetz » Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:45 pm

I have a bit of a complaint, and I don't know if I am overreacting or not;


1. I stayed at my girlfriends best friends place after a party a few weeks ago, and we were all talking in the basement. I was sitting beside my girlfriend, when they proceeded to talk about my girlfriends best guy friend. I know they are friends and don't really get offended until she says "he's been working out now, he's f***ing hot". I look at her and she just says what? when all her friends say shes not allowed to say it. I stormed off and left. The next day we talked about it and her defence was "he has nice arms" and i got more pissed and told her that she's ruined a lot of trust that I had for her. Because she has very "intimate" dates with him, ie. they go fishing one on one, or with another couple, and coffee dates, they've even made plans to go clubbing together, and i put my foot down and said no.

When i confronted her about it she claims "i can't tell her to not see her friends" and every time i got mad at her for going on dates with him she can't get her head around the fact that I lost faith in her, and says im just trying to ruin their friendship. Which i don't want to do. I just want her to treat me with respect and consider my feelings.

For example, if she asked me before she went for coffee with him how i felt, i wouldn't be as mad as if she just went.

Or if she asked me if they could do something like clubbing and i said straight up NO, she should respect that and not go? correct?

I just came from a 3 year relationship with a girl that would never do something like that. It's hard to not "compare" the two, but I can't help myself

what should i do?
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#1

Postby Candid » Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:07 pm

Sorry darlin but I notice that your other complaint was about your girlfriend saying nicer things about her best friend than she says about you. That's probably because her best friend has no investment in exclusivity and just wants your girlfriend to enjoy herself.

sdetz wrote: she asked me if they could do something like clubbing and i said straight up NO, she should respect that and not go? correct?
Not correct. She's her own person and so are you. If her behaviour upsets you, you have to stop seeing her, not try to control what she does... because it won't work.

Personally I think she's giving you plenty of messages that she isn't serious about your relationship and is actively looking for someone else. To say "he's been working out now, he's f***ing hot" in front of you is provocative, to say the least.

You'd probably do best to stop contacting her and not take her calls. Don't do it because you think it will bring her to heel, because I don't think it will. Do it -- without any grief or accusations -- because you can do better and this one's going nowhere. Take the dignified way out and find someone else.
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#2

Postby sdetz » Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:36 pm

Thank you for your insight,

My girlfriend is different, she's the kind of person that "doesn't get tied down", she loves to party, and talk to everyone.

She doesnt talk about her emotions, even when i ask her, she just smiles and sends me a <3 over text message.

It's in deep now, because we all have mutual friends now, im friends with all her friends, and vice versa. we all party together, so if we do break up we'll never get away from each other.

Does this just mean we are two completely different people and are destined to failure? we've been on and off for two years.

I love her to death, when it's just me and her things are perfect i'd never change a thing, it's just when her friends are around she becomes that party girl again, even if i'm there. Id just like a kiss or an acknowledgment every once in a while.

In essence what you are saying though is we shouldnt be together?
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Fri Jul 15, 2011 7:22 pm

Sdetz - Candid is absolutely right. This person is not exactly invested in her relationship with you and doesn't at all sound like a person on the cusp of settling down. I think what your looking for is someone who has a more traditional view of relationships with a sense of belonging to another person. This individual does not share that value and so I would see things for what they are and move on. Don't change yourself to please her, because you'll only get hurt in the end. Find someone that makes you happy and get out of this mess.
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#4

Postby Candid » Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:53 am

sdetz wrote:She doesnt talk about her emotions, even when i ask her, she just smiles and sends me a <3 over text message.
It sounds as if she's genuinely happy and knows what she's about. People like that get bored and irritated by more sensitive souls demanding to see their emotions.

It's in deep now, because we all have mutual friends now, im friends with all her friends, and vice versa. we all party together, so if we do break up we'll never get away from each other.
Nonsense. People who've been married for decades get away from each other and start new lives. You and your girlfriend are far from that level of intimacy, as she keeps demonstrating to you. Of course, the longer you leave it the more difficult and painful it becomes. Not only that, I would lay money on her being the one to call it quits... and then you will have no choice.

Does this just mean we are two completely different people
Did you not know that? Of course you are two completely different people! Can't you remember having experiences and feelings before you met her? You are hypnotising yourself into believing you somehow have to be with this person, no matter how she treats you. It can only end in tears -- yours, not hers. She'll still smile and send you a <3 now and again, I'm sure.

I love her to death
Betcha don't. Not even close. I'm estimating a few more weeks at most, after which you'll be telling everyone who'll listen how badly she treated you. But where's your responsibility in this? How many brownie points do you think you'll score for hanging around moaning while she has a laugh about you with her best female friend and does who knows what with her best male friend? Because you aren't either of them, I've noticed... and that doesn't look like undying love to me.

when it's just me and her things are perfect i'd never change a thing, it's just when her friends are around...
Have you got the cash to buy an island and the means to kidnap her? If so, you might have a shot of hanging on for more than a few weeks. But if you love her you also have to love that party girl, because that's mostly who she is.

Id just like a kiss or an acknowledgment every once in a while.
I presume that happens when you two are alone, since you say everything is perfect then. But here's a tip: if something perfect doesn't hold up in the presence of other people, it's as perfect as a one-legged albatross with a terminal illness. People give and receive affection in front of other people as a way of staking their claim, of announcing to their friends that they're hot for each other. You'd like her to do that but she never will, because you're just there as respite from her busy social life.

In essence what you are saying though is we shouldnt be together?
I wouldn't presume to say that to you, I'm sure you can work it out for yourself. At this stage you think you "love her to death" regardless of her clear messages that she doesn't feel the same way.

But don't take my word for it, ask her next time you're alone and things are perfect. Ask her whether she's willing to commit to you, and if she says yes, make sure she understands you've got to be numero uno in her life and she'll have to tone down her affection/lust for other people. I think you already know what she'll say to that.
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#5

Postby Brenda24 » Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:36 am

In my view point you are behaving childish grow up man.
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