Severijn wrote:I wonder where this all comes from? You say that the problems began in your mid-teens, like the age of 15/16 years?
You sound like a naturally talented person, that deep inside wants to accomplish something life. When you started getting these problems with depression and anxiety, you were not living your full potential. You did not make the friends you perhaps wanted to make in your heart. You missed social opportunities at first, and also made perhaps safe choices in your education and career, that did not reflect the inner you. I wonder what education/job you have? I think you started to sell yourself short during your mid teens, because of the depression and anxiety. So there the sort of split in your personality began. The first life on the inside and outside: the education and job you now have, and the social life that came with it. But deeper inside, you long for more. You wish your life had gone differently. Maybe that explains the divide inside yourself.
You think I am on track here? Do you have a deeper inner urge to accomplish a lot, at least much more than you have now? Would you call yourself on the inside ambitious?
Wow, what a brilliant post. Thanks for this, it's helped me make sense of some of my confused thoughts swimming around in my head.
You are on the right track. I'll explain a little bit more. I have a degree in Accountancy and Law. Most people would call it a "good" degree, because it helps you to get into a career which is well paid. The thing is, that I have no interest in either of these subjects. When I went to University I didn't care about either subject. I wanted to quit my degree, but continued with it because I felt like I would be letting people down if I quit halfway through. Now I work for a law firm (although I'm not a solicitor/lawyer, nor do I wish to be), doing a job I dislike in an environment I dislike.
I feel trapped because I have a degree which I have no interest in, and it feels like a false respresentation of who I really am. I hate telling people what I studied at University, because it doesn't feel like it's who I really am. Even when I was 16/17, I knew I didn't want to do this but I felt under pressure and couldn't stand up for myself. If I were to re-do my life, I'd have studied something like History, English Literature, Modern Languages, or even something related to Sound Engineering or Photography.
Although like I say, I've not always been depressed, and up until my mid-teens I was a normal, happy kid, as far as I can remember. It's only when I was 16 or so that I remember feeling this strange anxiety that made me want to hide from the world. It just slowly crept over me, and I don't know what caused it. It affected my self-confidence and assertiveness. It was a terrible time for this to occur because a lot of important decisions are made at that age, and it stopped me from pusuing what was important to me, which over the years has made the problem worse and worse and made the depression grow deeper, until I reached the desperate point I find myself at today. It's like the depression have always been lurking behind me, in my shadow, trailing behind me like an unlit fuse since my mid teens. Over the past year it feels like that fuse has been lit.
It's not that I have deeper urge to accomplish things, it's more that I just want to accomplish things that feel important to me. I know people might say "well do these things in the evening to give yourself something to look forward to!". Believe me, I have tried. But it doesn't work because I can't concentrate or focus on anything anymore. I really want to but my brain just won't allow it.
I have an appointment booked with my GP for Tuesday evening. I'm going to ask to be referred to a CBT practitioner, because I feel really desperate and like I need some help before I do something terrible. If offered meds I'll accept because at this point I feel so desperate I'll try anything. The last five months have been the worst of my life - I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.