Cheating

Psychology-related discussions or questions that don't fit neatly into any other forum.

Postby Neznana » Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:44 pm

Hello!

I am 23 years old and I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I met a guy, totally different then anyone i've ever met, we clicked from the beginning, had a connection from the start... sort of like, he reads me up, I read him up, without both even saying anything out loud. The feeling when you are with someone, and when you look into each others eyes, the rest of the world, does not exist... that's how we were. Well, we've been dating for about 3 weeks and things were going great, until few days ago, when he told me he cheated on me. It was a one night stand. We got into a fight or i should say a heavy discussion the night before that happened and we both got kinda freaked out about how to manage us, how to make it last. And we ended the conversation in a weird sense, sort of like, we didn't know if we're going to continue our relationship. And well that night, he started drinking, he went out, he thought it was over that he'd lost me and he cheated. He told me the next morning. He feels awful about it, he cried the whole time, he wants to do anything to not loose me, because the fact that he might loose me is awful for him. And he is very sorry about what he's done. I know he is sorry about it and I know people make mistakes, and this one was a stupid mistake! He is trying his best to fix this, for me not to walk away... he wants to communicate all the time about what happened, he answered all my question about that night... why he did that, how, what to do now... all that... i know everything. And he wants to prevent me to shut off, he wants me to tell him what's on my mind all the time, if i'm mad he wants me to tell him, so he can be there for me, so we can deal with this together... he's been talking to friends about what he did, trying to get different perspective on how to make this better...

I'm thinking about forgiving him, well at least trying to forgive him, because i know it was stupid and because he's sorry, which is very obvious, I've seen him broke down, when we thought it's over because of that... ii just don't know if that's the right thing to do? I know how he makes me feel, just his presence means so much to me... i just don't know how to handle this, i'm afraid i want to forgive him, and let the pain go, but i'm afraid it's just gonna be bad all the time? I need some perspective on what's right and what's wrong... because based on the standards of society, i should walk away from him the minute he told me... and i didn't... I just feel lost with my own thoughts...
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Postby Happy Little Neurons » Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:28 pm

I find it rather intriguing that you mentioned how he feels, how you think society feels, but you didn't really mention how you feel about this whole thing. Cheating doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be used as tool to make the relationship even stronger, and I don't think that everybody, or even the majority, would leave their partner because of a one night stand. But what other people would or wouldn't do is not relevant to what you should do, unless you think it should.
So, how do you feel about everything?
The way it looks to be from what you described is that he made a mistake, that he had no problem to confess, and that he is willing to give this relationship a real try.
How do you see the situation?
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Postby Neznana » Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:42 pm

Well, at first I was heart-broken because of what he told me. I was sort of numb. Now, I just have mixed feelings about the situation... because I know how i feel about him, there is no doubt about that... I don't want to end it, I don't want to not see him again, or talk ..There are just these ups and downs about the cheating thing, i forget about it, i feel fine and then in the next minute it hits me,-yes he did that, and it starts hurting...and then again it goes away... I realize situations are not just black and white, and I want to try my hardest to make this work, to trust him again. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what people think. Its my life and my decisions... I just want to do this the easy way out :) I just want to take the pain away for both of us, and just enjoy the fact that I've met someone that can make me feel this way...
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Postby offplanet » Thu Jan 26, 2012 8:13 am

It depends on whether if you forgive him and stay with him, he might be likely to cheat again if you two went through a bad patch. Would he think he'd get away with it? Or would he think, not go through all this again?
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Postby Neznana » Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:50 am

Well, we talked about cheating before that ever happened, and I told him my saying, which i belived in very strongly: ''don't cheat on me and i can handle pretty much anything''... and that happened and i'm still with him, trying.. well, he always said that that is not his style of relationship... and when he did what he did, he did it for the first time... But now, he is trying his best to tell me that it will not happen again and that when things go on the hard road, when we fight or deal with things, that he must not start drinking... But this is on my mind also... will he do it again? to tell you the truth, I don't think he will, because it's been hard on him aswell... but it might happen, i mean if a person can make a mistake once he can do it the second time? but in that case, i'm out..there is nothing i want to go trough with him then...i'm just gonna leave....
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Postby Kalarra » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:20 am

It depends on whether you both want to actively move on with the relationship and put the cheating behind you. It requires a conscious effort from both sides, and completely 100% honest communication about what you both expect and need from the relationship.

I personally believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and if he does it again, the relationship should end. You were in a pretty early stage of your relationship so it could have just been a mistake he deeply regrets.

Just go with what you feel is the right thing to do for yourself.
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Postby Neznana » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:36 am

We are both very aware that we want each other, we tried to break up, his feeling of guilt and my pain...but we couldn't do it, it was awful. I'm trying to do what's the right thing for me... right now, that's him...not walking away from him...but i just wish i could see in the future if i made the right decision...because if he does it again, yes I will walk away, end it... but... that would break me as a person... and we are trying are best to communicate and doing so much effort i just hope it's gonna last and that it's gonna get easier...

ps: i would like to thank you all for replying and helping, it helps me organize my thoughts, so it means alot...
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Postby theforsaken » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:54 am

I also believe in a saying, that saying is "once a cheater, always a cheater", I think ending it sooner, rather then later when it happens again, would be wise.
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Postby peterj » Thu Jan 26, 2012 12:59 pm

I know you have feelings for him, and want to forgive him. However in my opinion now is the best possible time for you to end this relationship. The more deeply involved you get in the relationship, the harder it will be to end it. It will be hard now, but believe me it will be extremely difficult later on. I've gone through the same thing.

I am very sorry to be frank, but in my opinion he will cheat on you again. If he's done it so early on in the relationship, he will do it again. You deserve someone 100% faithful.
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Postby Neznana » Thu Jan 26, 2012 2:57 pm

No, that's perfectly ok if you're speaking openly and honestly about how you think. I appreciate it. I would like to say you are right, and i would like to say you are wrong, but I can't... because I don't know how things are going to turn out... I like to belive that people make mistakes, and that because of mistakes, things still are not so definite... I would like to say, he does not deserve a second chance, but I can't... I just have to decide if I do give him a second chance, that means that I take the risk of him doing it again and then taking the responsibility if that does happen...but if I don't try, i will never know...
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Postby sugaredtungsten » Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:58 pm

Neznana wrote:Hello!

I am 23 years old and I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I met a guy, totally different then anyone i've ever met, we clicked from the beginning, had a connection from the start... sort of like, he reads me up, I read him up, without both even saying anything out loud. The feeling when you are with someone, and when you look into each others eyes, the rest of the world, does not exist... that's how we were. Well, we've been dating for about 3 weeks and things were going great, until few days ago, when he told me he cheated on me. It was a one night stand. We got into a fight or i should say a heavy discussion the night before that happened and we both got kinda freaked out about how to manage us, how to make it last. And we ended the conversation in a weird sense, sort of like, we didn't know if we're going to continue our relationship. And well that night, he started drinking, he went out, he thought it was over that he'd lost me and he cheated. He told me the next morning. He feels awful about it, he cried the whole time, he wants to do anything to not loose me, because the fact that he might loose me is awful for him. And he is very sorry about what he's done. I know he is sorry about it and I know people make mistakes, and this one was a stupid mistake! He is trying his best to fix this, for me not to walk away... he wants to communicate all the time about what happened, he answered all my question about that night... why he did that, how, what to do now... all that... i know everything. And he wants to prevent me to shut off, he wants me to tell him what's on my mind all the time, if i'm mad he wants me to tell him, so he can be there for me, so we can deal with this together... he's been talking to friends about what he did, trying to get different perspective on how to make this better...

I'm thinking about forgiving him, well at least trying to forgive him, because i know it was stupid and because he's sorry, which is very obvious, I've seen him broke down, when we thought it's over because of that... ii just don't know if that's the right thing to do? I know how he makes me feel, just his presence means so much to me... i just don't know how to handle this, i'm afraid i want to forgive him, and let the pain go, but i'm afraid it's just gonna be bad all the time? I need some perspective on what's right and what's wrong... because based on the standards of society, i should walk away from him the minute he told me... and i didn't... I just feel lost with my own thoughts...


You have a choice, now. You can take him back, or you can walk away. You have the power. As it stands, he screwed you over emotionally.. You don't deserve this. No girl deserves this. Even if it never happens again, doesn't it make you sad that it happened once?
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Postby Sir King » Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:32 am

Did you confess your love for each other before we slept with that girl? Did you agree to be in a mutually exclusive relationship?

You've only been dating for 3 weeks, or even less when the incident occurred, and he might have been under the impression that things were over between you..

And from everything, it sounds like he's very serious about wanting to be with you, that he's very upset and sorry about it and that he cares a whole lot about how it's affecting you.
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Postby Neznana » Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:24 pm

Hello everyone! First, I would like to thank you all for replying...

First, I would like to say, that it's been almost two months since that happened, and I'm still with him...basically what happened is that i listened to my feelings, my emotions for him... after i told him that I want to try and make it work, he did pretty much everything possible to help me get trough it... we both put alot of effort into it, but I couldn't do it without it. He really was there, everytime I needed him. I am not worried about him doing it again, i mean i cannot eliminate the fact that it might happen again (because you can't say that about anyone), but i've come to peace with it, in the sense that if he goes out alone, i'm not worried at home... i don't control him, etc. Yes, there are times, when I ask him if I should be worried, and he calms me down, he's there no matter where he is or what he's doing. And i belive him. There are times that I think about that woman, and it does hurt and i do get angry, and at that moment i could just walk away, sabotage everything and leave, but i don't allow myself because I forgave for a reason and we've come so far.

But to answer your questions, what hurts the most is the fact that we had a connection from the start, and our relationship was very intense from the very beginning, it was like we've known each other for years, not 3 weeks, that's why the pain was so bad for both of us. And yes, we were in an exclusive relationship from the start, we didn't want to just date first, we went straight to exclusive relationship, we knew we don't want anyone else.

I like to think the same, i made a decision, i forgave, but i cannot completely forget just yet (if you ever can?), but I think i'm doing good due to the fact of what happened. And if i made the wrong decision, well, i hope with all my heart that i didn't, but if i did... only time will tell...
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Postby LiveDevelopment » Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:32 pm

Are you in a scarcity mindset? Sounds like it. My advice would be to leave him and find someone else better.

I know you don't want to hear that because your afraid of losing someone you care about but it will always be in the back of your mind. Trust me I've been in your situation.

There is better people out there. Don't stay, it was his fault not yours. Just be sure you don't make your decision based on there will be no one else, because there will be.
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