Graduation Party with or without ex?

Postby Blue32 » Tue May 24, 2005 5:02 pm

I have two daughters from my first marriage. A year ago they have moved in with me and my new wife of 10 years. My oldest is graduating high school this year. My wife and I are having a graduation party at our house. The question came up of should my ex-wife and her family be invited or should they just have their own party...thus, there would be two parties.

My thought was, this is about our daughter and we should let her decide. At first, my wife agreed but then later decided she did not want the ex-wife in our house.

Is my wife in the wrong here? Or is this normal?
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Postby A_B » Tue May 24, 2005 5:15 pm

I think your wife is wrong, not because she is bothered about your ex, that is probably normal, but tis is supposed to be for your daughter. I think you should let her decide & both accept her decision, it is a special day after all.
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Postby Niki22 » Tue May 24, 2005 9:05 pm

Plus, it's been 10 years!!
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Postby Blue32 » Thu May 26, 2005 1:11 pm

Thanks for your comments. I was a little surprised that I didn't see anybody defend my wife. There have been several "very jealous" type posts from people lately. I figured they would side with her.

If you love your spouse shouldn't you do reasonable requests for each other? Meaning - and as far as my daughter - isn't the worse for her that she gets two parties?

I still do agree that it would be better if my wife would be ok with both families mixing, but ... we can't make everyone like ourselves...and don't we have to respect that?
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Postby Annabell » Fri May 27, 2005 2:13 pm

Hi Blue32,

I'm not sure if I understand but do YOU actually want your ex wife to attend the graduation party in your house?

I think it would a bit different if you asked your ex wife to a party that you and your wife are holding or something similar because the children would not be involved but when it comes to your children, well, you are asking yourself: wouldn't they be a bit upset if their mother was not at the party - I think they would, rather!
As long as your ex-wife and your wife can behave in each other's presence I think it would be fantastic for your children to feel that you can actually be under one roof and celebrate something they have achieved. Maybe you should explain things to your wife and tell her that you want to invite your ex-wife because you feel that it is very important for the children. Perhaps tell her that your ex-wife will be there like any other guest and that her presence does not mean anything else to you but that she is the mother of your children.

Many people here struggle with jealousy but it does not mean that they think jealousy justifies unfair behaviour. An insecrue or jealous person can sometimes be quite selfish although he or she does not necessarily realise it at the time. I am one of those 'jealous posters' here so I feel I know a little bit about what I am talking about! :)

Anyways...However it goes...I think you should pay extra attention to your wife and tell her that you are so glad that you will be able to celebrate the graduation together and that one thing that makes it so special for you is that she is hosting the party with you. We all want to be generous hosts and hostesses when it is a special occasion and I am sure she is no exception.

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Postby Ally G » Sat May 28, 2005 12:36 am

I would ask your wife what it is that she is uncomfortable with - is it being at the same party as your ex, or having your ex in the house?
If it's the former, what is it that makes her uncomfortable? Do they not get on? Does she feel threatened and need reassurance from you? Will she feel like the outsider? and so on....

If it's the latter, then the compromise is easy - have the party on neutral ground, it may cost a bit more but at least someone else does the hard work and the clearing up!! :wink:
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Postby Blue32 » Tue May 31, 2005 2:07 pm

Annabell - I loved your line "Many people here struggle with jealousy but it does not mean that they think jealousy justifies unfair behavior". What an excellent statement. Thank-you. You are so right, thanks for pointing that out.

I ended up supporting my wifes request of not having the ex and her family coming to our graduation party and letting the ex just hold a party on their own. Thus, my daughter will have two graduation parties. I guess I was hoping to hear people support her so I could feel I did ok in my decision even though its not what I thought should have happened.

Ally - thanks for you comments. I wish I really new what the real reason is that makes the wife uncomfortable, I just know its a real tense situation for her. The most recent event occured when my other daughter from my first marriage was in the hospital a few months back and we were all in the hospital room visiting her. My wife was uncomforable then. She said, she just didn't like how casual my ex talked to me......we just both have been casual through the was best for the kids not see fighting and hatred...anyways...not sure...I have throughout our marriage let my wife no that I have no interest in my ex what so ever. And for the record - the first wife left me.

Anyways....thanks for you all in this forum for letting me talk this out and thanks for your replys.....:)
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Postby Annabell » Tue May 31, 2005 2:26 pm

Hello there Blue32

If your wife feels uncomfortable with your ex-wife present then it is probably best to do just as you have decided - two separate parties!

Maybe your wife just needs a bit more time. I know ten years is a long time but let's just hope she'll realise at some point that there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

My bf was married before me, and until I knew a bit more about the circumstances I used to feel a bit jealous too...But once I learnt more about my bf's circumstances when he married and also reminded myself that it was all before he knew me, all jealousy is gone. Nowadays I feel great empathy for the ex-wife and wish her all the best (sounds a bit smug that but I don't mean it that way!) and I think that she takes great care of their kids. Hopefully your wife will learn to feel the same way about your ex-wife!

Perhaps a little (pretended) jealousy from your side of HER ex's would remind her that there is still a lot of spakr between you two and that you sometimes think of these things too! My bf's only shown signs of jealousy twice during our time together (as I am usually the one who takes care of that side of things :lol: ) and it actually did a lot of good even though I know he probably made it up just to make me feel better :lol:
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