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runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:43 pm

Significant other with severe depression and anxiety    Reply with quote  

Hi everyone,

I am new here and I am hoping to get some advice/support. My significant other and I have been together for almost 12 years and we have lived together for just as long. He is 10 years older than me. We have always had a rock solid relationship....up until about 4 months ago. One night at the end of October, he suddenly didn't come home from work. He gets out of work at 11:15 at night and he ALWAYS would call me the minute he got out of work and would tell me that he was on his way home...ALWAYS. This night, no phone call. I tried calling his cell phone, but no answer. I tried texting him, but no reply. I was really panicking. I had no idea where he was and why he wasn't answering my calls or texts. This was completely unlike him at all. I tried calling and texting him a few more times, but no answer. I was on the phone with my mother totally freaking out because i was so sick with worry. Finally, around 2:30 in the morning, I got a text from him that said "I'm out having a few drinks with some coworkers. I'll be home after. Leave me alone." First off, he NEVER drinks. In the almost 12 years we have been together, I've probably seen him drink alcohol maybe once or twice a year, and it's only beer, so I immediately knew something wasn't right. He finally came home around 8 or 8:30 in the morning and he looked awful, almost like he was hungover or just really exhausted. He then said that he was going back out to go target shooting with some of his friends, got his gun, and left. Keep in mind, he had to work that day and had zero sleep and didn't even change clothes or shower! He just left. I tried texting and calling him a couple of hours or so later, but he ignored me. Later that morning, his best friend/coworker called looking for him and I explained how he didn't come home that night and how he came home just for a few minutes looking completely hungover and said he was going out target shooting and I thought that meant that he was with him, but his friend said that he hadn't seen him and even he said how out of character this was for him. He told me that he would look for him at work and make sure that he called me ASAP. About 10 minutes later, his friend called back and said that he had seen him at work and that he looked really rough and told me that he had asked him to call me at home, but he never called. Once again, he didn't come home that night either. By now, I was in a total state of panic. We never even had so much as a tiny argument to trigger this. Everything had been completely normal, or at least so I thought. He wouldn't answer any of my phone calls or text messages. He didn't come home for days. Finally, he stopped by home a few days later after he got out of work to get some things. He told me that he just needed some space, but wouldn't really go into details about what was bothering him and why he suddenly stopped coming home. He was very standoffish and would barely even hug me. As the days went by, he started being very nasty to me over text messages and calling me names and just being mean to me in general. I was begging him to come home or to at least talk to me, but all he did was fight with me and try to blame me for the way he was feeling. It's like someone had flipped a switch in him and turned him into a monster. He had NEVER acted this way toward me before and had never left home like this. One thing that I do know is that his job is extremely stressful and has only gotten worse lately. He works as a nurse at a psychiatric hospital. I was thinking that had something to do with the way he was acting, but I also thought there had to be more to it. One day, he did come home to pack up a bunch of his stuff and was very rotten to me. Several days later, I noticed that he had deleted me from his Facebook and changed his relationship status from engaged to single. This KILLED me. He couldn't even talk to me in person and this whole thing happened out of the blue. We had been together for over 11 years and had NEVER gone through anything like this before!!! I was so crushed, confused, and shocked. Thankfully I have many friends and family who were here for me and helped me so much. What made this even worse is that he had taken our only vehicle, a brand new truck that we had just bought a few months previously, so I was stuck at home with literally no transportation. If I needed anything, I would have to call my parents who live 10 minutes away. Luckily I work from home full-time, but I couldn't go to the store or run any other errands that I needed to run because he had our only vehicle and wasn't willing to let me use it for some reason, even though it's financed and registered under both of our names. A few weeks later, I finally was able to buy my own SUV to solve my transportation problem.

He didn't come home for over a month. I later found out that he was renting a room from a coworker. During that time, he either would not talk to me at all, would be really mean to me, or would be nice to be while at the same time feeling very sorry for himself and almost seemed to be trying to make me feel sorry for him. A lot of my friends and family told me to never take him back if he tries to come back, but that's easier said than done since we have been together for over a decade and have a huge history together.

One night in early December, he finally came home out of the blue. He was extremely depressed and said that he was going through a rough time and just needed some space for a while, but that didn't explain why he had been so mean to me and called me so many names when he left. I still love him so much, so I took him back and let him come home. The next day, he moved all of his stuff back here. It is now March and he has been home for 3 months. It has been a huge emotional roller coaster. Some days or weeks he will be fine and acting normal and then at other times he will be almost explosive, very irritable, agitated, and depressed and will be rude to me again and basically blame me for everything when I know that I have done nothing wrong. There have even been several nights when he would stay out all night, not come home, and ignore my phone calls and texts, just like he did when he left last fall, only he will only be gone for a day or two and then come home. These past couple of weeks have been especially rough. He keeps having panic/anxiety attacks, is very jumpy and goes off on me very easily, and is BEYOND depressed. He went to the doctor a little over a week ago and they sent him to see a counselor and have him out of work for a couple of weeks because his anxiety and depression levels are so high. Just this past Sunday, he went out to do some grocery shopping and was gone for 5 hours and came home in tears. He said that he had such a bad panic attack while he was driving that he had to pull over because he could barely see the road and was short of breath. He hugged me and was crying like I've never seen him cry before. He finally started to open up to be a little bit and said that he's dealing with a lot of emotions that he has had bottled up for about 20 years and he doesn't know how to handle them. He won't tell me everything, but I do know that one main thing that is bothering him is that his mother passed away almost 4 years ago, basically right in front of us while we were at her house visiting her. She had a massive heart attack and collapsed in the bathroom while he and I were outside, so it took us a while to get to her (we are both EMTs), but she was without oxygen for too long and passed away in the hospital about a week later after the decision was made to take her off life support. He largely blames himself for not being able to save her and he is having a very hard time with this. It was almost 4 years ago, but he said that he is just now starting to grieve her death.

Things got so bad that I basically made him go back to the doctor yesterday and I went with him. He was very jumpy and irritable at the doctor's office and would pretty much flip out and yell at me every time I tried say something. The doctor gave him a prescription for amitriptyline because he hasn't been sleeping and has been so depressed and anxious. He took it one time last night and this morning said he's never taking it again because the side effects were so bad. He is taking his depression out on me and it's hurting me so, so much. He keeps saying that he is tired of his life and hates everything. Since he has been out of work, he has spent most of the time sleeping or sitting at his computer. I have NEVER seen him like this before. He is usually such a fun, happy, outgoing person, but these past few months it's like I don't even know him anymore. What can I do to help him? I have told him how much he is hurting me by constantly yelling at me and placing blame on me, but he just gets even more mad when I say this. I can't even say how many nights I have spent sitting here crying because I feel so hurt and helpless. All I want to do is be able to help him and be there for him, but he just keeps pushing me away and isolating himself. He told me yesterday that he just wants to be let alone.

We are not religious people at all, but I was given the name of a local pastor/chaplain here in our town and I contacted him and he emailed me today and said that he is more than happy to meet with either him alone and/or both of us together to see if he can help in any way. I forwarded the email to my hubby and he said that he would be willing to meet with him tomorrow, so maybe this is a good sign. He won't talk to me about all of the things that are bothering him, but maybe he will open up to this chaplain some and get some help.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I just give him his space and leave him alone like he said he wanted? I have told him over and over again that I am here for him and I love him so much and that I want to help him in any way that I can. I have told him that we will get through this together, but he still shuts me out, yells at me, and blames me. I am emotionally drained. What should I do??? I miss the old him so, so much and it kills me seeing him like this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see him through this. My friends and family tell me that I have put up with way too much from him over these past 4 months, but I still love him so much and care about him more than anything and I want to be there for him and help him get back to the happy, fun person he always used to be. I'm desperate for advice. Do I just give him his space? Will he eventually snap out of this? Please help!!! I am so tired of crying almost every single day! I have never felt this helpless in my entire life!!
  
Zennerrific
Junior Member


Joined: 17 Jun 2011
Posts: 87

Post Fri Mar 09, 2012 1:14 am

   Reply with quote  

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your husband! You're not alone. Take a look at the thread called "My boyfriend is depressed and is pushing me away." You'll learn that your husband's actions are very similar to the people we've dealt with with Major Depressive Disorder.

My boyfriend of four years has erased me from his life. He experiences very similar symptoms as your husband. He has anxiety attacks, as well. He was wavering in a depressive state for a solid year before I did manage toget him to a psychiatrist before he did this to me. But, your husband seems willing to reach out for help. I would advise getting him to a good psychiatrist STAT. I like that he will spend time with the Chaplain. It's wonderful that he is willing to discuss his issues with someone of guidance.

Therapy is wonderful, but in instances like this, I believe these sufferers need medication to even understand what they're going through, themselves. I understand how you feel about family and friends suddenly despising the ground he walks on. I've been there, too. I've now repeated this speech to them, which seems to keep everyone who isn't experiencing what you are to take a moment and reflect: My boyfriend was talking suicide last summer. I will never regret being there for him when he repeatedly pushed me away because of a medical condition called Major Depressive Disorder. If you read about it, you would never talk so harshly about someone who is just as ill as someone with diabetes or even cancer. It's serious and if they were in the same situation as he, I would do exactly what I've done for YOU. Depressed persons NEVER mean to do what they do. They actually find themselves almost OBSERVING their behavior with shame and dismay. It's serious.

Best of luck to you. Do as many things as you can to take care of YOU. Be sure to share with him how hurt your feel when he lashes out at you. And when or if he does lash out, tell him he needs to see the doctor. Do this, as well, when he pushes you away. Help him recognize the signs of depression. I believe this will help him know that you understand and that you won't let this keep perpetuating. Because, it will. It doesn't go away...unfortunately, unless he has medication and talk therapy. It's emotionally draining to go through this... From worry... From shock. I wish you the best!!
runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Fri Mar 09, 2012 1:28 am

   Reply with quote  

Thanks so much for the reply! This has been a very, very hard few months. He was started on amitriptyline a couple of days ago by his doctor and he has taken it twice so far and I notice a HUGE difference in him; however, he HATES it because it makes him so incredibly drowsy and the drowsiness lasts well into the next day. He said it makes him feel almost like a zombie. I'm trying to get him to keep taking it because the severe drowsiness should go away once he gets used to taking it. He should know better than to stop taking it after only 2 doses since he's an RN...a psych RN at that! Since he started taking this medication, he's not nearly as on edge and doesn't jump down my throat every time I try to talk to him like he had been doing. He even started talking to his best friend again today, whereas before he didn't even want to take his phone calls because he just didn't feel up to talking to anyone at all, so he was pushing both me as well as his best friend away. I overheard him talking on the phone to his friend earlier today and he said "I would have called you, but I was just way too embarrassed." He didn't want anyone to see what he was going through. I am very happy that he did make plans to meet his friend for coffee tomorrow, which I think will be great for him. His best friend cares seems to care about him as much as I do. They are also coworkers. The other day, he didn't even want to go out for coffee with me, so I'm hoping this is a good sign. Even my parents, who were furious at the way he has treated me these past 4 months, are starting to realize that this isn't his fault and that it's the severe depression and anxiety that has been causing him to act this way and make him seem like an entirely different person. They just want him to get help, as do I. I just hope I can get him to continue this medication because I really am seeing a huge amount of improvement over the past 2 days since he started taking it. I even told him this and he said that the only reason he's not nearly as agitated and on edge is because he's too drowsy from the medication. I love him so, so much and I want to see him through this slump and at least give this medication a good solid try to see if the side effects go away before giving up on it. I just want the old him back! At this point, I don't even really care what some of my friends and family think about me taking him back after the way he acted several months ago. Now we know that this is an actual illness that has been causing him to act this way and he really can't help it. He needs help and I plan to be there for him no matter what. We have been together for almost 12 years and I refuse to give up. He even said himself yesterday that he's sick to death of feeling like this and wants to feel "normal" again. I just hope we can get him there and back to his old self.
runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Fri Mar 09, 2012 6:23 pm

   Reply with quote  

Just wanted to post an update. It's his fourth day on the medication and I'm seeing a HUGE difference! He seems to be getting back to his old self and he even said that he thinks the medication is starting to work. He just went out to meet his best friend for coffee, so my fingers are crossed that we stay on this path! Very Happy
runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 1:23 am

   Reply with quote  

I just have one question because I have never gone through what he is going through right now with depression and anxiety this severe. Is it normal with people suffering from depression and anxiety to sometimes need space away from their loved ones...i.e. me, his significant other? His mood and attitude have been been DRASTICALLY improved since starting this medication several days ago and he is being so incredibly nice to me like he always used to be before this whole situation started a few months ago. However, today he went out on a few errands and it started to get a bit late, so I called him on his cell phone, but no answer. He then texted me and said that he was just having a bad day and needed some space, but told me how much he loves me and how much he loves our dogs and cats and was very nice. He said that he was just driving around some to clear his mind some. He said that he was on his way home and then said that he may go back out tonight, but only for a few hours and promised me that he wouldn't drink (he's not a drinker at all). Every time he goes out or is out for a long time, I get paranoid because of what I went through last fall where he suddenly stopped coming home and I get so anxious and afraid that it will happen again. I know that I can't let that fear consume me every single time he goes out of the house, but I can't help it since him leaving and being gone for over a month was very hard and traumatic for me and there have been a few instances since he came back home in December where he did stay out all night and wouldn't answer my calls or texts, but at least now he is communicating with me and is being so much nicer to me. Should I just give him his space when he wants to go out? I don't want to suffocate him or make him feel worse, but I just get so worried that he won't come home again. Any advice on how to handle when he feels the need to go out just for some space and time away? I'm starting to get very anxious about this!
alexandra
Senior Member


Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 1402

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 11:08 am

   Reply with quote  

Hi Runner,

Wow you have had a really rough few months there! This must be so incredibly difficult for you to watch someone you have been with for so long just almost transform into someone else over night. I'm happy to hear that he is taking his medication and that this is helping him. I think its good that he is communicating with you while he is out and as scary as this is for you, I think giving him that space right now is good. And it will give you an opportunity to do something for you, spend a bit of time on you, pamper yourself a bit- you definitely deserve it.

How did the visit with the chaplin go?

Please take care of yourself, you need as much nuturing as he does and healing for you too. GO and meet some friends, family for the day and just spend some time on you xx
runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:43 pm

   Reply with quote  

Well, it has happened again. We are right back at square one after I was so beyond ecstatic that this medication seemed like it was helping him in a huge way and I was SO happy and so hopeful for the first time in months, but last night, completely out of the blue, he took off again and hasn't come home. He came home from running errands late last night and told me that he was going out to meet some coworkers at a bar. I really, really didn't want him to go because of his history for the past few months of going out really late at night and then not coming home and ignoring my texts and phone calls when he doesn't come home. He got all mad at me when I said that I really didn't want him to go out, especially that late at night, because I was worried that he wouldn't come home like all the other times. He got all defensive and kept assuring me that he would be home between midnight and 12:30, and probably even before then. He promised to text me and let me know where he was and when he'd be home. He never did. I finally texted him around 1:30 in the morning and asked when he would be home because I hadn't heard from him and he responded with "Soon. I was having a good time until now...thanks", implying that me sending him that one little text ruined his good time. I don't even know where he was at that hour since all the bars/clubs were closed. Well, he never came home and now it's 1:40 p.m. the next day and he has been texting me and being nasty to be again, saying he hates his life and essentially blaming me for everything once again. It's like we're right back at square one. he has missed his last 2 doses of medication and he's right back to acting the way he was before he started taking it. I'm a mess right now. I don't know what to do. He claimed that he was at church for 2 hours this morning. Maybe he was, but at this point I just don't know what to believe. He PROMISED over and over and over last night that he would be home between midnight and 12:30 and even said it would probably be earlier than that, but that was obviously a huge lie. I love him so much. I have never stopped loving him, but I can't keep going through this. The last time he pulled a disappearing act like this was February 22nd, where he was gone for 2 or 3 days and ended up getting a cheap hotel room, but I know for that fact that he doesn't have the money for that right now. He is even a month behind on his truck payment and can't afford to make it. I can't help him with it because I have my own bills to pay, including my own truck payment that I had to take on when I had to purchase a truck of my own when he left back in October and was gone for over a month, leaving me with no vehicle. I know that he has no place to go. He has next to no money in his account and he even just emailed me about 30 minutes ago from his phone saying that he was almost out of gas and that he would try to get home. The last sentence of the email said "Love you and I hope I make it home, but if I don't, at least I tried." Just a few minutes before he sent that email, he had been being nasty and hurtful to me in text messages and blaming me for everything, and then he sends this "oh woe is me" email saying that he loves me and he will try to make it home. I am beyond emotionally drained. I have done EVERYTHING I can to try and been there for him and reassuring him that we would get through this together, but he just keeps going back to being like this and hasn't taken his medication for the last 2 nights. Sad

I've been on the phone with my parents, who tell me that I need to end this right now and get him out of my life because this whole situation over the past 4 months is killing me emotionally and they are afraid that it's actually going to make me physically sick because of the huge amount of stress this has put on me for the past several months. That's easier said than done. I have been with him and 100% loyal and faithful to him for almost 12 years and have never left his side, and he never left mine up until this past October. He i obviously very mentally unstable/sick, but he just doesn't seem to be trying to get better like I thought he was when he started taking this medication last week, but now has stopped taking it and is right back to acting the way he was before. I am in total tears and don't know what to do. He is back to being a total jerk to me and not coming home after I have done nothing but be there for him and try to help him through this. I don't know what to do at this point. My mom keeps telling me that he is emotionally abusing me, which I know he is, but at the same time I know that he needs serious help and I want to help him, but he keeps pushing me away and I feel so helpless...again. ANY advice on how to handle this situation would be HUGELY appreciated! Do I really finally kick him to the curb or just try to give him his space and try to be there for him, even though that doesn't really seem to be working that well. All I know for sure is that he is severely, severely depressed and NOT in his right mind.
Zennerrific
Junior Member


Joined: 17 Jun 2011
Posts: 87

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:52 pm

   Reply with quote  

I feel for you, Runner. I agree with Alexandra that the space is necessary for the both of you. But, I understand how troubled you must feel. I'm sorry that he hasn't taken the medication for two days. He has just begun, and jumping off of it can feel just as disabling as the depression, itself. If you are able to communicate with him any time soon, here is a suggestion that worked for me (although my boyfriend is now an ex, as he erased me from his life a month into taking medication...and probably wasn't even at the necessary dosage yet, since the doctors taper patients onto antidepressants):

When my now ex would talk about how nothing was going his way, how we should just end things because he wasn't where he needs to be, et cetera, I began "talking him down" like a psychologist. Every time he said something negative, I interrupted him and said, "This is the depression speaking. Not you." Then, I asked him if he felt he could make a rational decision at that point. I somehow managed to set myself into the most neutral emotional state I could when I did this. I kind of stepped outside myself and from all of my sadness to do this, if that makes sense. When I asked this, he broke down and told me how out of sorts he felt, and that he was worried he was going to be this odd guy who doesn't want to be around anyone for the rest of his life. I was then able to talk him into seeing a doctor. Maybe in your case, it's getting him back to the doctor and back onto the medication. Your fiance' had only been on the amitriptyline for a week, right? He was still tapering onto his dosage.

In the meantime, keep posting here. It helped me immensely when I was going through this. I understand how frightening it is, and how it's such a shock to our own systems. Exercise helped me. Really getting my heart rate up and sweating helped so much. Talking with a therapist helps, too. You are affected by this. You want to be there for him, and get the life you've both built together back. But, this episode has changed your life at this point, too. I also found that spending time with people who could understand my situation helped. Many friends said to leave, but in my heart, I couldn't do it. I was worried about him. He was someone I felt was my family at that point. You have twelve years of history.

He is saying those hurtful things to you with probably no ability to even rationalize what he's doing. If you read deep into the thread about the boyfriends pushing away, there is a post by a man who was depressed. He said it was as if he was observing his behavior, unable to control his actions. So bewildered and mortified by his own self at that time. Your fiance' is also saying that he wants to get home to you if he can because he's suffering from an imbalance in the synapse. Major Depressive Disorder is like a yoyo. Up, down, up, down. He feels alone, although he has all the support he needs. It's a horrific illness to witness and be a victim of, so I can't imagine being the person actually suffering with the illness in my own brain.

He desperately needs to stay on medication and receive guidance from a therapist. If he hears any emotion from you, he may keep pushing back. I recommend speaking neutrally. I believe my ex simply didn't want to feel like a charity case. My ex had another major breakdown about two years ago. His mother and I are both healthcare practitioners, so there we were...caring and questioning, questioning, questiong. She is actually a psychotherapist. When he first cycled into that depression, he had a lot of physical ailments that came first. Major digestive upset and pain. He really snapped at she and I one day. He yelled, "I don't want to FEEL! Can you both stop asking me how I FEEL?!!!!" Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I agree. Give him space. When you do talk to him, do your best to get the point across that he needs medication and talk therapy immediately so that he can feel more stable and able to mourn the loss of his mother. Four years of pushing it down can lead to quite a bit of stagnation. But, don't push at trying to talk to him. It's a touchy situation. My thoughts are with you.
runner81
New Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:03 pm

   Reply with quote  

Thank you so much for that info! I really does help! I'm so glad that I found this forum and that there are other people here who can relate to what I'm going through. I think my problem is that I get too emotional and upset when I talk to him/text him and I think that might be pushing him even further away from me. I really need to try what you said and sort of step outside the box and away from my own emotions when I talk to him. I take this so personally because I have done nothing but try to help him. He has only taken 3 or 4 doses of the amitriptyline and hasn't taken it in 2 nights now. He literally just started it. He is a psych RN and deals with these types of medications at work, so he should know better than to just stop taking it after he just started it not even a week ago! Like I said, everyone keeps telling me to leave him and kick him out of the house (the mortgage is in my name), but I just can't bring myself to do it. We have almost a 12-year history together. I have been with him since I was only 18 years old and now I'm 30. He is hurting me so, so, so much with his actions and words. I know that it's the severe depression and anxiety that's making him act this way, but he NEEDS his medication. I have no idea where he is right now. The last text he sent me was a little over an hour ago and he just said to leave him alone, so I said I would. He told me earlier this afternoon that his mind won't stop racing. He does have an appointment with his doctor tomorrow afternoon, but I am not fond of his doctor at all. I went with him to his last appointment and she was no help, other than prescribing the amitriptyline. She even came right out and said "I don't know what to do for you." I was livid. I feel like it's never going to get better, but I just can't give up. I want to help him, but how can you help someone who won't let you in? Obviously he will be home at some point. He always comes home. All of his stuff is here. This is his home. He said earlier via text that he was going to look for his own apartment, but he always says this when he gets like this and takes off and doesn't come home. I know that's not true because he can't even afford his truck payment and has no money for his own place. I just want things to be "normal" again!!! I can't take this anymore! I so badly want to text him and tell him to get his butt home, but that would probably be a bad idea and only make things worse. I know he probably can't help the way he is acting, but I'm getting so incredibly frustrated.
Zennerrific
Junior Member


Joined: 17 Jun 2011
Posts: 87

Post Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:51 pm

   Reply with quote  

I felt the same way. I kept pushing because my ex was making suicidal comments last summer. There was absolutely no way I was going to step away at that point. It sounds like the anxiety has the best of him right now. Sort of like our favorite pet when they're injured and snap at us. That's how I prefer to see it. My ex said some horribly mean things to me two years ago just to push me away. It struck a chord that he knew would tick me off. They do some pretty stupid things at this stage.

Yes. Back off. When his anxiety subsides, he'll come home. Maybe in the meantime, you can research a really good psychologist? I researched the best for my ex. He moved out of state, so I couldn't get him to someone I actually knew of. If you can even find a psychiatrist who does talk therapy (usually very expensive and out of network with health insurance companies since *gasp!!!* health insurance doesn't pay psychiatrists to talk to their patients anymore), ask who they recommend. I have received the best advice for my own ailing from a therapist who specializes in depression and addictions. I found this type of therapist more helpful for what I was going through because she really understands what HE was going through. His psychiatrist doesn't sound dedicated enough to the cause, which your fiance' probably picked up on and is now losing hope. Not cool. Keep researching. What's nice is that so many therapists are researchable on the internet and the patient reviews can be so beneficial in choosing someone. It took a month to get my ex into the psychiatrist where he lives. He wouldn't talk to me at ALL until he saw that doctor. He did like him, though.

It's sad how even the sharpest man can become completely discombobulated when hit with this. My ex is a very intelligent person. Genius IQ, in fact. He had all the resources and support, but it took almost a solid year of coaxing by me for him to actually start medication. Their minds just get so mixed up that every aspect of their lives are convoluted. They can actually manage to show up at work and fake it with their friends, which I find puzzling.

In the meantime, do your best to take care of yourself. Eat well, force yourself to rest, and know that whatever you do you're actually not messing things up. Depression is.
runner81
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Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:28 am

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Well, today is a new low. He came home and packed up his stuff and left...yet again. This is about the third time in a month he has "moved out", but always comes back within a day or two. However, I found out some VERY disturbing news from his now former best friend, who is totally fed up with being ignored by him and tired of being pushed away (I know exactly how he feels as he is doing the same thing to me as well). There is a very high chance, almost 100%, that he has been using bath salts. Someone where he worked (who actually got fired for having bath salts) ratted him out. This would explain the way he has been acting, why he has been taking off suddenly late at night and staying out all night, acting like a completely different, very angry/mean person. I confronted him with this information and he got VERY defensive, packed up a buch of his things and stormed out. He is a VERY smart guy and I NEVER would have expected this of him EVER, but it turns out he has been hanging with the VERY wrong crowd these past several months and has gotten into this very bad drug. I am so scared for his safety. I don't know where he is or when he'll try to come home (he always comes back home), but he needs help, but won't take it. What can I do???? Please help!!! I'm SO scared! I even told him today that if he is willing to get help, get hospitalized that I would never leave his side and fully support him and help him in any way that I can. He said that he can't love anyone else until he loves himself and said that right now he hates himself and hates his life and feels "trapped". Maybe he's ashamed and is acting/lashing out and being totally irrational because of it? Also, after he stormed off and left, he sent me a text that said "I just wanted to say that I will always love you." He is being VERY dramatic. I'm pretty sure he has nowhere to go and no money to go very far. I'm in complete tears over this and feel sick to my stomach.
Zennerrific
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Joined: 17 Jun 2011
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Post Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:03 am

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Woah! That stuff is so dangerous! Especially for a depressed person, the chemicals in it (which change all the time) set off the neurotransmitters in their depressive minds.

Can you get into touch with his family? Set up an intervention? This news is very serious. I think you can find an interventionist through one of the addiction anonymous associations. Even if you don't pull off a full family/friend intervention, he can contact that interventionist and get started on his own. The beauty of an intervention specialist is that they understand depression and addiction and how they often go hand in hand.

I say: Tell him you know everything, give him the information for the therapist or interventionist, tell him you love him and that you'll stand by his side through treatment, but if he resists, be ready to step away... At least for now. My ex broke up with me two years ago when he went through that major breakdown. He was abusing alcohol, marijuana and pain killers at that time. He didn't want me to see him in such a low place, and was NOT going to allow me in. He broke up with me. I went eight months without any contact with him. I didn't understand the facets of Major Depressive Disorder at that time, as I do now. I was seeing a therapist who helped me get through some issues with my family, but pegged him only as an addict and told me to get away. Trouble was, I couldn't move on. He was quite thankful to have me come back into his life eight months later and had quit pain killers altogether and had stopped drinking as heavily as he did. He actually started changing his life on his own. Unfortunately, he pushed me away again, obviously. But, it sounds like your fiance' is in a similar place as my ex was two years ago.

One thing you have to do is take care of yourself. Be assertive with him about getting treatment, let him know you understand how his mother's death seems to be the catalyst, and the ONLY way he is going to get through this is with some hard work.

You are in my prayers. Focus on your strength.
runner81
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Joined: 07 Mar 2012
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Post Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:10 am

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I've been reading up on all the effects of bath salts and they describe the way he has been acting EXACTLY! He hasn't been sleeping, keeps getting up multiple times a night, is very, very irritable/agitated, angry, severe depression and anxiety, suddenly has a super short fuse, his blood pressure was through the roof at his last couple of doctor's visits (another side effect of bath salts), and he has even demonstrated a bit of paranoia, which is another common effect. This going out late at night and being gone for days is also another sure sign. This drug is a stimulant after all, so he's probably staying up all night. My friends and family tell me to NOT let him come home under these circumstances whatsoever, but it just isn't that easy! He's on a path to self destruction and is ruining his life! He has a pretty good life and good friends and close family, and a very good job that he is throwing all away! His best friend told me today that he is done with him at this point until he reaches out for help. This is a guy who NEEDS serious help and support. He needs an major intervention ASAP. It's very likely that he has been using this drug for the entire 4 months this has been going on. How often he has been using it, I have no clue. Of course, he is in denial and will not admit to me that he is using them, even though I already know and he knows that I know now. I feel at a loss as to what to do now that I have this information. This is a very dangerous, super addictive drug and I don't even know how to start an intervention! The only family he has is his oldest brother (he doesn't talk to his other brother or sister) who lives about 4 hours away in another state, but I could contact him. However, the minute my hubby finds out that I told his brother he is on drugs, that could REALLY set him off! I just want to crawl under a rock!!! Sad
Zennerrific
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Joined: 17 Jun 2011
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Post Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:21 am

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The truth may hurt his ego now, but he'll be alive if he allows help. You don't have to contact his brother if you don't want to. Even getting all his friends together should do the trick.

Keep us posted. I'm so sorry for this new development in the story. Not fun at all. Sad
runner81
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Joined: 07 Mar 2012
Posts: 16

Post Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:24 am

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I'm seriously willing to do whatever it takes to get him the help and treatment that he needs! I'm scared to death of something happening to him. I've been crying my eyes out all night not knowing what to do. He won't even admit to me that he's using, but I already know, and all I want to do is help and get him the hell away from this drug and these horrible people he is using with. It's just that tonight he was very, very stand offish to me and wouldn't even let me hug him...wouldn't let me touch him at all. This is killing me! I love him so, so much and I just wish that he would realize that I will STILL love him and be there for him if he would tell me the truth!
  

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