I'm married, i cheated, now i'm in love with the other man

Postby sikyra » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:16 pm

I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for less than 1. two months into our marriage he moved to China for 6 months for a job he didn't have to take but wanted to, ignoring my repeated requests that he stay with me.
when he left i was forced to change my life, and i did. i really enjoy my life that i know have, outside of my husband. but, it raised a lot of issues to the surface. my husband has a history of taking me for granted. he has never been good with money, he's never been able to be an equal partner because of it, and he does not meet me on the same level, educationally speaking.
then i met "Kyle." he's like my husband, except he has all of the traits i just listed above. our friendship grew very fast, and i slept with him. naturally i feel horrible about this, and i don't need anyone telling me how horrible i should feel, because i already do. regardless, Kyle is in love with me, and i feel like i am falling in love with him.
my husband is now back and he knows two things: 1) he knows that Kyle is in love with me. 2) he knows that I am falling in love with Kyle. i have not revealed more than that, and i know what that makes me look like: a coward and a liar.
Kyle and i called it off, but the feelings are still there. my heart aches for him. i'm trying to work things out with my husband, but i don't feel like i'm in love with him anymore and i can't be because i'm in love with Kyle.
I feel like i'm staying with my husband for the wrong reasons. when i think about leaving him, and when i have though about it in the past, it's always come down to guilt...he doesn't have a lot of money, he can't afford to live on his own, where would he go? how can i leave him?
i want to leave him and move on while there is still a chance to save our friendship.

please help me...i feel like i want to die...like i would prefer to just kill myself because of what i have done.
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Postby Candid » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:43 pm

he moved to China for 6 months for a job he didn't have to take but wanted to, ignoring my repeated requests that he stay with me.
I see here an attempt to blame your husband for your poor impulse control.

It certainly was peculiar of him to be away for six months, leaving his bride of two months behind. It might have been for economic reasons, but maybe you could suggest an 'open' marriage in which you stay together (because it's cheaper than running two households) and each have as many partners as you want.

There's certainly no reason to kill yourself. You'll probably "fall in love" several times a year until you hit menopause. And "falling in love" feels great, doesn't it?
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Postby Territory » Fri Aug 03, 2012 3:27 am

Agreed Candid. Great advice.
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Postby Ravi » Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:46 am

It is indeed painful to live with this feeling of guilt and pain.

It is natural that having slipped out of commitment, you must be feeling remorseful

The guilt that you might be experiencing may not be so much about having slept with Kyle as it may be about not revealing the complete truth to your husband.

While it is human that one slips in and out of a commitment, what is not , is that you remain in a confused state and make everyone including yourself feel insecure about you and your relationship

I invite you to see your situation from a different perspective

If you and your husband did not match up Intellectually, Financially, and Emotionally - you still put up with him for 6 years and then even got married to him

Are there any specifics areas Between you and your husband where you feel that your freedom, independence, security has been compromised

Would you want to consider asking yourself, why if you and Kyle love each other, did you chose to call off your relationship.

Would you have continued it, if your husband, were not have come to know about it

Why is your husbands presence, knowledge and approval so important to you if you think you have made up your mind with Kyle

What is that concerns you most about what your husband knows about this issue

It would help, if you consider taking a call on your situation after giving a thought to these issues

1. Do you really love your husband

2. Do you really want him in your life

3. Do you want to be in a relationship with him

4. Are you willing to stay committed to him, despite his inadequacies and the mismatch that you both experience at the Emotional, Financial, and Intellectual level

5. Are you staying with your husband merely because you feel that you are responsible for his materialistic needs

6. Is there anything you like about him, as a human that you would want to him to be in your life for?

7. Incase you decide to reveal he entire truth to your husband, will you be able to explain to him, why did you do what you did… You do not have to justify merely express the compelling reasons

8. Presuming that, your husband, accepts you despite knowing the facts in entirety including your physical relationship with Kyle, would you still want to be with him

9. Is Kyle “THE’ person you want to have in your life

10. Is he the kind of person, you would want to spend your life with

11. What about Kyle, appeals to you

12. What is that one thing that you experienced immediately after your husband left for China

13. What is the one thing that you experienced immediately after your husband returned back home

14. What is that one thing in terms of priority that you seek in your relationship (either with Kyle or with your husband)

15. How do you evaluate your decisions
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