Thanks Robbie, yes I need to stop arguing/fighting to get my point across. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to have the communication skills that are so important in today's world, to convey our feelings and needs and wants.
I lack the tact to ask for and get some help or work done. There are times when I choose the wrong words to express myself, and it comes out all wrong! I am also a complete introvert and even when people come home to visit, I have a hard time coming out with just "hello" and "goodbye".
So I keep everything inside of me. When something does happen, I find myself raising my voice begging to be understood, and then crying thru the whole process.
My in-laws live with me, unfortunately they are the ones that put me down and it would be impossible to terminate conversations with people living under one roof.
The only saving grace is that I do have my own values in place. I do like to think for myself, take my own decisions, I love my freedom and my privacy.
I do TRY to be perfect, and I do sometimes expect people to be a certain way, but I have worked on that in the last couple of years, and believe me, I am no longer judgemental of anyone, and may not understand why they say or do the things they do, but I just let it be - thats them, unlike me!
To learn from my mistakes - I used to be so sensitive, still am maybe, that criticism is really hard for me to take. Also, I live in a household where I am constantly berated for small things like she is so inefficient she forgot to put that away. Or she is so much in her own world that if I had not suggested she do it like this she would never have figured it out. Or even if I take up responsibility to do something from start to end, someone else butts in once its all set up, and of course, no one even realises that I had any part in getting it all done. All the jabs are in front of friends, family and relatives to embarass and humiliate me. Like I said, I am more sensitive, so maybe someone else in my place would just let it roll right off their back, but it hurts me.
Anyways, so I do make mistakes, I tell myself I am not perfect. But until I conform to my in-laws standards of what a DaughterInLaw should be, I am not even supposed to be happy with myself, as I am!
To expect honesty from others -well, my 'family' even lies to protect their self-image, regardless of who is present in that room - no shame at all. I expect absolutely nothing from them. They just come with with my husband, thats all. I have few friends and only a couple that share the same values that I do, them I really value.
I allow myself all and any feelings - anger, hurt, fear, anxiety, and do not feel guilty for the person I am - thats just me. I do however have problems in expressing myself, and therefore no one understands me. I am also stubborn about opening up in any way, because I am so very uncomfortable with even a second person in the room, let alone a group. Even in a group of 6 people, I speak maybe 2 sentences per hour. I just listen and laugh. If someone jokes or comments about me, I have no comeback, ever. I just smile and wait for the awkward moment to pass.
I am always inhibited in front of anyone but myself - do not dance, sing or monoact, etc.
I am forever afraid to be criticised or judged by anyone, I am forever reliving the past in my head and am NOW reluctant to give myself unconditionally to anyone.
I am training myself to put myself before others so that if I may ever find myself alone out there in the world, I will be able to fend for myself.
This is just my immediate reaction from reading what my Rights are. I do wish to grow as an individual, but am so afraid to face the world out there. And find it so hard to force myself to mix with others, so that every social gathering is something I am just waiting to get out off. I would much rather just curl up in bed with a good book or watch tv!
(The only people I am close to are my parents, whom I trust implicitly, and I love my husband, regardless of what happens, because I know he loves me too)