Why do we fear change? Even if it can bring good things?

Postby DustyMan » Thu Aug 30, 2012 7:37 pm

I've tried to change so many many times but so far have allways failed. Am I actually afraid of changing? and if so why? and how can I overcome this fear?
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#1

Postby Motivated » Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:16 pm

DustyMan wrote:I've tried to change so many many times but so far have allways failed. Am I actually afraid of changing? and if so why? and how can I overcome this fear?


Hi DustyMan,
You have a lot of company with this.
Sometimes it's fear of changing, but I don't think it's that simple.

I think part of the clinging to habit/routine/familiar... is an illusional attempt to FEEL in control.
Also, most of the time most people live on "auto pilot" - unconsciously going about routines.

Can I get a little more info about what it is your fearing & what it is you want to change?
What do you want in your life that isn't currently?
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#2

Postby DustyMan » Fri Aug 31, 2012 10:20 pm

Motivated,

Thank you for your intrest in my query. Where do i even start to tell you? Firstly; Self helq books: I must have every title. I read them, get excited about the info they give, change a little but just go back to the way I was again. I journaled for 5 years, when I started to look back on what I'd written 1 year before it was exactly how I was today, 2 years before just the same, etc. The same qoblems, nothing had changed only I had got older. I could write a book on self helq, I can advise others but I can't seem to change. 101 exercise regeimes started but I quit them all. I'm in a job/career that's I've allways wanted to leave but never have. I'd have oortunities to go into other careers but I've not. I was on the brink of changing my life but I just got so scared and scurried back to the life that is making me lifeless. Afraid I'd miss my friends, the way of life that is familar to me. This safety net I have I guess? I must be afraid of change. Why? I wish I knew and if I did maybe I could resolve this terrible qroblem that is just frustrating me so so much. ;-(
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#3

Postby fourornine » Sun Sep 02, 2012 3:16 am

I'm in the exact same boat. And I know, it's one of the worst feelings to want to change so badly but not seeming to be able to. And it's funny when I mean the same boat because I feel the same, word for word (with the exception of how many self help books you've read. I've read a few but not a lot). I've been thinking that I need to find someone to just give me a good kick and hold me accountable to my change, but that's tough to find and it doesn't sound very appealing to me in some ways, like I'm a child again and need a parent to punish me or something. Plus I've had some other issues that this is connected to like depression and some OCD stuff.

I wish I could give you some advice, but just wanted to let you know that you definitely aren't alone.
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#4

Postby Futurepresent » Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:00 pm

One thing i stumbled is that for constructive and continual change people have to have written goals and review them daily. The reality that most people fear change because it could mean they would be worse off than before. The process of daily goalsetting and working at it gives your unconscious the correct instructions to where it should be working. Change will always take place really, the question is if you are working with it and with purpose and reasons paving your own path.
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#5

Postby DustyMan » Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:55 pm

Thanks for rely! Taking your advice on board.
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#6

Postby nemov » Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:09 pm

I had a steady job at the same company for 5 years, but was not happy with the job...I told myself i wanted to leave, but took a while to apply for different jobs. In the end I was offered a job at a much bigger, global company - and the first words that came out of my mouth when they made me an offer? "Oh sh*t"!!... I was so fearful that I would not measure up, BECAUSE i had become so used to my steady job, so used to not changing. Well I took the job, and 9 months later I am loving the new job and wish i had left sooner.

I guess the best advice I would give is to take a leap of faith. Prepare a back up plan, but go for it. & the advice above about writing down objectives i think is a great idea. I think we are all great at thinking about good ideas, but i do think you need to verbalise or write them down, and then get into a habit of checking your progress to make sure you have the action you want.
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#7

Postby bneil » Wed Sep 12, 2012 4:55 am

Change brings a lot of new things towards our way, but by changing we are also sacrificing on losing old things away from our sleeves.
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#8

Postby DustyMan » Thu Sep 13, 2012 12:37 am

Very good advice and insqiring. Going to get goal setting! And yes faith too.

nemov wrote:I had a steady job at the same company for 5 years, but was not happy with the job...I told myself i wanted to leave, but took a while to apply for different jobs. In the end I was offered a job at a much bigger, global company - and the first words that came out of my mouth when they made me an offer? "Oh sh*t"!!... I was so fearful that I would not measure up, BECAUSE i had become so used to my steady job, so used to not changing. Well I took the job, and 9 months later I am loving the new job and wish i had left sooner.

I guess the best advice I would give is to take a leap of faith. Prepare a back up plan, but go for it. & the advice above about writing down objectives i think is a great idea. I think we are all great at thinking about good ideas, but i do think you need to verbalise or write them down, and then get into a habit of checking your progress to make sure you have the action you want.
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#9

Postby DustyMan » Thu Sep 13, 2012 12:39 am

When I read what you wrote it reminded me of this quote;

"We can't ever go back to old things or try and get the old kick out of something or find things the way we remembered them. We have them as we remember them and they are fine and wonderful and we have to go on and have other things because the old things are nowhere except in our minds now" (Hemingway 1923)

Now all I have to do is change!


bneil wrote:Change brings a lot of new things towards our way, but by changing we are also sacrificing on losing old things away from our sleeves.
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#10

Postby Candid » Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:27 am

I've tried to change so many many times but so far have allways failed. Am I actually afraid of changing? and if so why? and how can I overcome this fear?
I've replied in more detail on your journalling thread. It's not that you're afraid of changing but that your brain was wired, a long time ago, with ideas that conflict with a happy life. You aren't aware of this programming yet and as long as it's in your subconscious you'll go on struggling with self-sabotage.

You may find Alice Miller's books and website helpful.
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#11

Postby Motivated » Sat Sep 15, 2012 9:34 pm

DustyMan wrote:Motivated,

Thank you for your intrest in my query. Where do i even start to tell you? Firstly; Self helq books: I must have every title. I read them, get excited about the info they give, change a little but just go back to the way I was again. I journaled for 5 years, when I started to look back on what I'd written 1 year before it was exactly how I was today, 2 years before just the same, etc. The same qoblems, nothing had changed only I had got older. I could write a book on self helq, I can advise others but I can't seem to change. 101 exercise regeimes started but I quit them all. I'm in a job/career that's I've allways wanted to leave but never have. I'd have oortunities to go into other careers but I've not. I was on the brink of changing my life but I just got so scared and scurried back to the life that is making me lifeless. Afraid I'd miss my friends, the way of life that is familar to me. This safety net I have I guess? I must be afraid of change. Why? I wish I knew and if I did maybe I could resolve this terrible qroblem that is just frustrating me so so much. ;-(

You're not the only one who has practically their own library of self-help books! :lol:

There is something you want more than change, what is it?
Comfort? Familiarity?
The desire to feel "right", even if it is all wrong?
(Kindof like what Candid mentioned about self-sabotage.)

Would you consider yourself somewhat perfectionist, in what you expect of yourself?
Change often involves some stumbling while you learn the new process.
I wonder if you're afraid of failing, so you'd rather succeed, even if it's miserable.
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#12

Postby sympatica » Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:36 am

I think it’s no wonder that so many of us have just this feeling of ‘being afraid of change’ that you describe. Everything about modern parenting, education and social attitude seems to be concentrating on the importance of success. All through our childhood and early adulthood we are encouraged and conditioned to see success as the only goal worth pursuing.

Modern words of ‘encouragement’ are;
‘I know you can do it’ or ‘if I can do it, you can’ or ‘don’t worry, you’ll sail through this exam’ etc. etc. etc.

These messages lay a burden on our shoulders. We feel that everyone expects us to win so, at best, we can only satisfy these expectations and, at worst, we fail and disappoint. This makes us prefer not to try.

We should be telling our children;
‘you always give your all and do your best at everything you try and this makes me so proud of you’ or ‘you are never afraid to have a go at anything, that is so courageous’ or ‘even if things don’t work out for you, you are strong enough to bounce back and try again, well done!’

These messages give a child a positive image of themselves and their efforts and work to encourage an adventurous spirit.

So, sadly, most of us have had our confidence and self-esteem damaged by wrong messages.

The answer is, now that you are an adult, you can begin to message yourself! When you think of changing career, tell yourself this;
‘Okay, so give it your best shot and see how it turns out.’ or ‘It won’t be the end of the world if it turns out that it doesn’t suit, you can just try something different again’ or ‘I will still love you just the same if it doesn’t work out, in fact I’ll be proud that you had the courage to give it a go.’

You’ll be surprised at the difference a different message can make. Good luck.
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#13

Postby muhibi » Mon Sep 17, 2012 1:32 am

DustyMan wrote:I've tried to change so many many times but so far have allways failed. Am I actually afraid of changing? and if so why? and how can I overcome this fear?




hi,dustyMan,,,
has ever happened something to you,that change your life permanently,till you can't fix it?(i hope,not bad change)
if thats happened to you,in fact you still alive.so,you have ability to adaptation.

would you make self adaptation or fix the results?? you can do that.
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#14

Postby Fenice » Tue Sep 18, 2012 7:53 pm

First off, I don’t think you’re afraid of changing because as you have said you’ve tried it so many times. Perhaps there are things that you would need to tweak a little such as the goals you want to achieve and the action steps that you’re taking.

Are you trying to tackle multiple goals? If so, I highly suggest that you handle one goal at a time. Yes, write it down in your own handwriting. I find it to be very empowering to write down a goal because it makes you analyze things on a much clearer perspective and the best part is that it makes your intent stronger hence it brings out the appropriate, inspired actions to take into reaching that goal. It will also help if you visualize your goal as already achieved because it creates new ideas or solutions to help you get whatever that is you desire. Last but definitely not the least (because I have always believed it’s the most important of all), do not forget to tie in gratitude for everything that comes, there’s always and always something to be thankful for that most of us take for granted.
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