wife flirting with brother in law

Relationships and families - wonderful when they're working, distressing when they're not.

Postby tommyjones » Thu Dec 27, 2012 11:45 am

I am not sure if this is me, but i don't fully understand my wife. In most ways she is great, she is very caring a great mother and good with my parents and always seems concerned about me and my health.

However I always see her looking at good looking guys when she is with me, it is more than just a quick look but a full on locked eyes situation.

Whenever we make new friends or go out in a social group she always seems to lock on to the best looking guy in the room and keep looking over and as my wife is attractive they usually look back.

I haven't seen any signs at all that my wife is having an affair etc.

Also my wife has done this with my brother in law ever since we got married 10 years ago, they always lock eyes with each other like there is some sexual chemistry between them, although she says to me that she thinks he is ugly, but I think she finds he funny and interesting etc.

But I am finding this really hard to deal with as it seems to knock my self confidence every time this happens which is basically, every family event and times when we meet with friends.

My wife really is full on with the staring and she seems to do it right in front of me so i can see it, in the past i have had arguments with her about this but nothing changes. I mean one can be left in no doubt that she is locking eyes with people.

I think i have spotted my sister in law notice her locking eyes with her husband as she has seemed very angry on a few occasions but i am not sure if i am imaging this and they have had a row about other matters before we meet etc.

My wife has never been very touchy or sexual throughout the marriage but this has worsened, i get a good night kiss etc and she does appear to still care about me and when i was feeling down about myself says things like I am really good looking etc, but this makes me even more confused.

We are both won out alot of the time with work and kids, but we have not had any intimacy in the relationship for a year and we only seem to have sex once a year these days.

The flirting with my brother in law is really getting to me as he is such a big head and full of himself and i can tell that he gets a big boost from this while it knocks my confidence, and I would not have thought my wife would be attracted to this type of person so find this upsetting as well, as if she is not the person that i thought she was after 10 years.

any advice would be appreciated - thanks
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Postby occelaris » Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:45 pm

So it's confusing to you how a woman that has literally no interest in you can be attracted to a self confident man as your brother in law. Well you have a lot to learn. First I find it odd that your wife has not left you yet. Perhaps she has a strong view on marriage that is keeping her with you this whole time. You putting your self down in front of your wife is just a sabotage on her attraction for you. It is a guaranteed way to make her lose interest in you. Most guys are subconsciously aware of this so they never allow them selves to do that. Perhaps you need to think about why you do that .Depressed people usually do it as reinforcement for their already screwed up sense of low self worth.That's why they push people away from them (subconsciously). If you get the courage to laugh at your wife innocent little flirts perhaps they will stay just that innocent flirts. If you keep this up then I bet a lot more will come out of this. If it hasn't already.
Good luck
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Postby HaveFaith » Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:57 pm

that is absolutely your own pathetic imagination and suspicious.

i believe, the way your wife looks at people are such. something you need to understand.

Tell me, do you look at a girl if you find she is beauty ? does that mean you are going to have affair with her ?

your thinking has worsen by being too negative and pessimistic.
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Postby tommyjones » Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:47 am

Hi Have faith,

In response to your response yes i would notice a beautiful looking girl in a room, however i would only have a quick glance and then forget about it.

I definately wouldn't keep looking over at the same women over a long period of time and lock eyes with her is she looked back, and I certainly would not do this in front of my wife.

The reason being is that i think this shows a lack of respect to the person you are with and makes it look as though you are lusting after that person, which would then mean I wasn't content with my wife.

Maybe it is me as the responses saying that i am being pathetic are quite for this, so maybe i need to lighten up a bit, I take it from a womens perspective it would be okay then for me to start locking eyes with women and my sister in law when I am with my wife as this appears to be my problem not my wifes as people have indicated.
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Postby Candid » Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:06 pm

I take it from a womens perspective it would be okay then for me to start locking eyes with women and my sister in law when I am with my wife as this appears to be my problem not my wifes as people have indicated.
Not every woman will think it's okay, but it's clearly okay by your wife. What's good for the gander is good for the goose, you know.

It's eerie, we had exactly the same problem here a year or so back. I remember telling the guy he needed to give up trying to control his wife's eyeballs.

Your wife is an appreciator of male beauty. I'm a bit that way myself, although I like to think I'm discreet. I would consider it bad behaviour to let my partner see me salivating over another man.

I agree with occelaris that you will cause real problems in your marriage if you let yourself get freaked out by imaginary ones.
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Postby miranda39 » Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:02 am

Hi tommyjones,

Like candid, I also think you're the person who's posted about this problem before. I was tempted to reply then, as I've experienced something in 1 of my previous relationships.
I know people glance at attractive people when they're out in public, but my exboyfriend would stare intensely at other women (lots), make eye contact and flirted excessively with my friends. He told me that he was a red-blooded man etc and that I had to get over my jealousy problem. But other women would give me pitying looks that seemed to say "Poor you!". The night I met him, he was interested in my friend, who is married and everytime he saw her after that, his behaviour was humiliating and degrading to me. Even her husband on 1 occassion said "Good luck!!", re: my r/ship, as they were leaaving a party, where my boyfriend was gushing over her. No he wouldn't have any of it, even though I saw people sniggering and talking about his behaviour.
Anyway, I could go on and on!! He actually ended the realtionship after over a year (obviously there was also a lot of good in him, too) because of my jealousy problem...When we split my friends, unprompted, let me know that I deserved better-which also felt humiliating. The bottom line is I know that I could not cope with this 'streak' in him, and maybe you can't with your wife. Anymore?
I felt the responses on another thread like this were quite harsh, because I felt I knew how the poster felt. And that I was also responsible for believing that he was letting other women know that he found them more attractive than me and that that belief cut me very deeply....
All I'm saying is that I understand and think this 'problem' is something you either accept or make a decision to leave.
Good luck.
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Postby tommyjones » Sat Dec 29, 2012 1:24 pm

Thanks for replies, yes i am told that i am jealous type and it always seems to be me that has the problem and maybe it is me.

We did have some friends that we used to hang about with that my wife used to give the stare too always looking at her husband, but the women abruptly cut my wife out of her social group although they got in really well at one stage, they were like the 2 that had the most in common in the group, and my wife always said how much she liked her.

She even said to my wife that she would not be inviting our daughter to any more parties in the future as she was just keeping the events small from now on and my wife never sees this woman anymore.

I don't think this was anything to do with them not liking me as I hardly saw them
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Postby jcoop66 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:57 pm

Sounds like she wants to have sex...

Just not with you.

Is there something financial holding her there?

Kids young?

I'd be looking for her tide to completely change when the kids turn 18, or are on their own.
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Postby miranda39 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 9:57 am

Others will think differently, but I think your wife's behaviour is unacceptable Third parties are also affirming this.

I was only with my boyfriend for 1 year and our sex life was extremely passionate so it wasn't that.

I just think some people seek an inordinate amout of sexual attention. I think they're degrading themselves aswell as their partners.
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Postby tommyjones » Wed Jan 02, 2013 12:08 am

Its probably too late now, but what do people think I should do about this?

Do I say to my wife - why do we never have any intimacy any more or ask her why or if she is looking at brother in law like she does?

From what i have read if I acknowledge this such as talking about the brother in law thing I make myself look weak and vulnerable.

Or do i go the opposite - stop caring about this and start looking for another partner?

Or alternatively do the same as she is doing and start flirting - or should I just ask her outright what the situation is?

We do have young kids and are both devoted to them so this makes it so much more difficult, I think if it wasn't for the kids I would have probably done more about the situation.

She doesn't wear her wedding ring, but she did show me that it doesn't fit anymore and it doesn't.

And she does buy me cards on special occasions that say things like to my special husband etc.

She works as a nurse as well so is quite tired from work and the kids
Anyways thanks for the help so far.
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Postby Candid » Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:56 am

tommyjones wrote:Do I say to my wife - why do we never have any intimacy any more
Yes. That question and no more, because that's the thing that needs to be addressed. She's probably lost her desire with the youngsters running about, and just needs to reassure herself (and you) that she's still sexy.
And she does buy me cards on special occasions that say things like to my special husband etc.
You're clutching at straws there, mate. They don't make cards that say "to my boring husband".
She works as a nurse as well so is quite tired from work and the kids.
This is far more likely to be it, so let's not bring in your escape plan yet.
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Postby jcoop66 » Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:37 pm

Yeah Candid really nailed it.

Get answers to your questions, then you can make an informed decision.

Reacting to her actions would be quite child-like.

COMMUNICATE. And in doing so, try to make it about you, and not her.

Use a lot of "I feel" and "I think".
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Postby _neo_ » Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:01 am

My ex did it to feel alive and wanted, that was also one of the reasons i broke it off. She's obviously lying to you and the real question is how to deal with it. Have sex more frequently and you'll know if she cheated. Here's what i would do...
1.) Get better at sex with some tantra,keggle,jogging
2.) Have sex with her more frequently (3-4 times a week - let her crave for it)
3.) After 3-6 months the results will show.

If your wife had an affair she won't be interested in your brother in law anymore.
If she will then she's got some daddy issues to solve. In my case my ex's father worked 13h day and didn't see her very often, didn't compliment her and so on...google it :)
Good luck and don't give up!!
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Postby tomthumb » Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:45 am

I just wanted to update on this but not sure if getting anywhere on this or knowing what to do.

We went for a meal at my sister in laws for a family occasion and my wife was locking eyes with brother in law again, i know people say i shouldn't worry about this and that I am being pathetic but I just do not seem to be able to control my emotions. I come close to saying something to my wife on each occasion but just about manage to hold it back. I am trying but for some reason I feel really hurt and feel like it is a betrayal even though has been said it is my problem.

But I just don't know how to overcome my feelings of jealousy and perceived betrayal, I kind of see it as the relationship slipping away I guess. It also peeves me off that my brother in law seems to get a big EGO boost from this but it leaves me feeling bad about myself.

Any ideas on how I can handle this so I don't feel so bad.

Would it be dangerous to have a word with my sister in law to see if she has noticed anything, although I am convinced she has there is this lingering doubt that it is all in my imagination.

I have noticed that my brother in-law positions himself so that he can look at my wife - for example he may be stood outside the lounge door where his wife cant see him and seems to make a look at my wife and she seems to turn her head when there is really no reason as he is not talking and looking at him.

It seems to me like a little game they are playing, but I don't know how to handle it, we went through a rough patch on holiday about 5 years ago and we were on holiday with brother in law and my wife did this eye locking thing to a silly level that was really in your face right in front of me so that I could not possibly miss it.

I know that I am going to get called pathetic again but when this happens my stomach kind of flips over and i feel sick so that going places with my wife when this happens is no longer enjoyable - it is like the feeling you get when you split up with someone for the first weeks but in smaller time frames.

I am quite a needy person who had a bad childhood where my parents showed no interest in me and made fun of me in front of other people and this has probably made me insecure.

Thanks for any advice in advance.
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Postby theforsaken » Mon Jan 28, 2013 2:28 am

tommyjones wrote:Or do i go the opposite - stop caring about this and start looking for another partner?
I'd probably do this, unless you feel there's still some hope for your marriage and want to try and salvage it.

Wait till her birthday or valentines day or something and surprise her with divorce papers :lol:
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