Problems living with my boyfriends family

Postby KimiLou » Fri Jan 11, 2013 8:19 pm

Hey this is my first post on this website. I've been looking for a forum like this for a few days because there's things I need to say and to gain perspective I guess.

Without going too far into the past I've had a lot of bad life experience; last year I had a 2nd breakdown and I've only turned 22. Anyway Around July last year I met my boyfriend and things have progressed rather fast which I feel good about we're both on the same page and want the same things in life but obviously have different goals aswel! When we first met he lives near Oldham and I lived in Liverpool. After 3 months of being together, rightly or wrongly I wanted to move closer to him. (One thing you should probably know is I follow my gut instinct the majority of the time!) When we discussed this he had the idea of asking his parents if I could lodge with them for a bit until I found my own place nearer to him.

Bearing in mind I met his parents before and we got on great etc. I'm the first girlfriend he's had and introduced to them etc. They thankfully said yes and I gave up my flat (which I would of ended up losing anyway) and moved in with my boyfriend and his family. A couple months later and I successfully got a job as a care assistant, which I started December 2012. Since working there it has fuelled my search for a property of my own as living in a family environment again is difficult for me. I get on great with all his family especially his younger sister. But his bedroom is in a loft conversion and hasnt got a door and his mum and sister don't really feel the need to knock or announce their presence (kind of mortifying if you're trying to get changed etc). It is not an ideal living situation by anyones standards anyway but I'm trying not to waffle on TOO much lol!

However it has come to light the last month or so his mother is manipulative and controlling. For example I got my job myself; a job I have to travel nearly 2hrs to get too which I know isn't ideal again but I like my job! I've never mentioned anything to his mum about the travelling and havn't complained but she took it upon herself to contact her friend to get information of the care home that she works in which is closer to us. His mum give me the number to ring and aply for a job with the same amount of hours but it would be working nights. I've always said I wouldn't work nights purely for the fact that my boyfriend works as a chef goes to work at 3pm and gets home for 12am; so I'd be working when he gets home and sleeping when he's awake therefore wouldn't get to spend like anytime together! His mum however doesn't see the problem with this and keeps getting on at me to ring this number as she's done me a favor by getting it for me!!! Now I feel like I have to ring this number and if I get the job have to take it just because she did a favor that I didn't ask for! Because if I don't ring(which up to now I still havn't) she will kick off at me :? . And as past experience has taught me when I feel like I'm getting confronted I just get panicky and start to cry. So if I need to sort anything out I don't confront someone I'll just ask them if we could have a chat rather than cornering them and making them feel threatened.

Then 3 nights ago I found out off my boyfriend that she had been saying things about me to him that she didnt like. So after hearing this and knowing how much she shouts/tells people off I was scared to go near her incase I triggered something.

Me and my boyfriend have now decided we want to move out together cos he said he feels he's ready to move out and doesn't want to live with his mum and dad anymore. So we've been looking for places to view etc but I knew we'd have to talk to his mum about it first. He decided to drop it into conversation at a time where his mum was busy and couldnt sit down and talk about it and since then you could cut the tension with a knife!

So a couple of nights ago I come downstairs when they've all gone to bed to wait for my boyfriend to get in from work. I'd spent most of the day in the bedroom watching Friends so it was nice to be able to come downstairs! Anyway I hear someone get up and sure enough it's his mum and all I can think is oh s**t shes going to come and say something to me. Sure enough she comes down; but she just gets a drink and goes bk to bed. Unfortunately for me she decided to check his bedroom and the bed hadnt been made from us doing the laundry beforehand (this was because the quilt had a wet patch on and I was leaving it to dry - I'd explained this to my boyfriend and we just said we'd put the cover on tomorrow so we don't make noise n wake his mum and dad up when he gets in) so she comes back down and she says 'Kim have you not even made the bed?' and I tried to explain, but she interupts and says 'well why didn't you tell me we could have sorted it; it's not good enough this Kim it's ridiculous me and you are gonna have to have words'. At this point my heart was racing and she'd walked bk upstairs so I was relieved. But no. . . . . his mum deicdes to come back downstairs and thinks as my boyfriends not here to say anything that she can confront me with everything she thinks of me!She starts off by saying 'what do you think your playing at kim?' So I literally sat there pleading in my head for him to come through the door and listening to his mum and hos disappointed in me she is. So according to his mum- I'm a slob, he does eveything for me, he's not moving out with me(even though he's 24!), I'm the girl I should be keeping his bedroom tidy, I don't do the washing often enought even though I do it once if not twice a week!, she doesnt know me and he doesnt know me; I may think I know him but I dont apparently! and basically how she regrets letting me lodge with them and she basically doesnt think I'm good enough for her son. Which was the most hurtful cos I already don't think I'm good enough for her son so to hear it from his mother! :cry:

My boyfriend got home and his mum then confronted him while I ran into the kitchen to warm his tea and get my breathing undder control. She complained about us sleeping in a single bed together n said you don't really have to sleep together do you. So once we went to bed at 3.40am I slept on the floor n got 2 hours sleep. I insisted that he slept in the bed cos he had work the next day and I didnt.

Next day I went to see if I could get into a hostel but cos I have no family members I have no local connections and I would have to go back to Liverpool. I can't go back to Liverpool as it would be a huge step back. So I thought I'll ring the one person I've met over here which is also one of my boyfriends mates and asked if I could sleep at theirs for a couple of days which they said was fine. I didn't want to talk to his mum when I got in cos I thought she'd still be mad so I text her on my way back just saying so we have some space I was going to stay over at my friends for a couple of nights. Anyway apparently that wasn't the right thing to do either as she rung me and said 'What you doing that for Kim you don't have to do that now that's just gonna make things worse cos he'll blame me for it then and I don't want to fall out with him again'. I don't think she realises that he actually doesnt like her. I mean we were talking and I joked saying when we have our own flat we'll have to make sure it's clean before your mum comes round and he replied with 'what makes you think that she'll be coming round? The only way my mum will be coming round is if she turns up uninvited?' . . . . I didn't want to encourage him so I just said 'No she won't you'll want to see her now n then at least n you'll want her to see where you're living etc'


Oh I don't know. I didn't end up sleeping out anywhere I feel pressured to do everything she thinks I should do or she'd get mad. The stress of this made my boyfriend cry and I've never seen him cry; he's one of the two most important people in my life and I can't have him feeling like that. I'll do anything for him. So I have to now live in a house for another 2 to 3 months with his family while he's out a lot of the time leaving me on my own. So I literally only go down the stairs when I have to.

I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe I jsut needed to rant. I mean has anyone else had any similar experiences? I think to get through this I'm just going to try n get extra shifts at work and know that it won't last forever. I'm so unhappy here but I have to put a brave face on for my boyfriend :cry:



I am SO SO SO sorry for the length of this message, if you've read it all thank you so much for your patience!xx
KimiLou
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Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:14 pm


#1

Postby wetherell » Fri Jan 11, 2013 9:09 pm

Hi kimilou,

Can relate to what your going through not getting along with boyfriends mum, I didn't get along with my ex's...she didn't help the relationship work. I didn't live with them but I spent a lot of time there & she was a nightmare...clean freak, loads of pressure, didn't "get" me...all that kind of thing.

Maybe his mum finds you a threat, first proper girlfriend taking her wonderful son away. My advice would be for u and him to get your own place as soon as possible. If that doesn't come off quickly, don't be afraid to take a step back & go home if u have people that will welcome you there. Sometimes to move forward you've to take a few steps back. Sounds like u've sacrificed a lot for your boyfriend. Would he sacrifice for u & move to Liverpool should u go back there? His mum might then regret treating u like she has! Don't forget to look after yourself too:)
wetherell
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#2

Postby LostMyLight » Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:45 pm

I'll say this straight off the bat: his mum sounds like a horrible, horrible woman. The kind of woman I wouldn't want near me, or my man, or my future children and grandchildren. (Okay, I admit I got triggered too - just by reading all that I felt sick to my stomach, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to actually live it).

However it has come to light the last month or so his mother is manipulative and controlling.


Clearly! What I don't understand, though, is why you feel that you need to submit to her? I get that impression from these things you said:

Now I feel like I have to ring this number and if I get the job have to take it just because she did a favor that I didn't ask for![/quote

You're a grown woman, dear. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, and the worst she can do is yell at you. To which you could honestly just reply with, 'Excuse me, but who do you think you are?' It sounds scary to confront her - trust me, I have a deathly fear of conflict, too! - but ultimately she has no right meddling in your life. She's not your mother, and from what you say even her own son doesn't like her.

'Kim have you not even made the bed?' and I tried to explain, but she interupts and says 'well why didn't you tell me we could have sorted it; it's not good enough this Kim it's ridiculous me and you are gonna have to have words'. (...) So according to his mum- I'm a slob, he does eveything for me, he's not moving out with me(even though he's 24!), I'm the girl I should be keeping his bedroom tidy, I don't do the washing often enought even though I do it once if not twice a week!, she doesnt know me and he doesnt know me; I may think I know him but I dont apparently! and basically how she regrets letting me lodge with them and she basically doesnt think I'm good enough for her son.


It sounds like she's trying to intimidate you, to get you to leave her beloved son alone so she can have him all to herself. If she's that controlling, then she feels threatened by you. I think she'd be the same to any girl that tries to take him away from her. What's worse is that she's actually managing to make you feel guilty.

Most of what she said is utter rubbish. You shouldn't have to clean up after him because 'you're the girl', what sort of dated mentality is that? If she was raised that way doesn't mean you should conform to it, too. Especially since you're already doing enough to carry your own weight in that household - you have a job, you're doing the washing and I'm sure other things, too.

Which was the most hurtful cos I already don't think I'm good enough for her son


Why do you think that?

She complained about us sleeping in a single bed together n said you don't really have to sleep together do you. So once we went to bed at 3.40am I slept on the floor n got 2 hours sleep. I insisted that he slept in the bed cos he had work the next day and I didnt.


Really now. You're a grown couple, of course you should be sleeping together! You don't have to dance to her tune!

Anyway apparently that wasn't the right thing to do either as she rung me and said 'What you doing that for Kim you don't have to do that now that's just gonna make things worse cos he'll blame me for it then and I don't want to fall out with him again'.


You hit the nail on the head here: no matter what you do, she'll find a reason to blame you for it. It's obvious that you can't please this woman. She wants her son all to herself and she doesn't mind destroying anyone else in the process.

I'm so unhappy here but I have to put a brave face on for my boyfriend


Dear, if you're unhappy, let him know. You don't have to repress what you feel for the sake of anyone, not even your boyfriend. He loves you, he'll understand - especially if he knows what a shrew his mother is. Your happiness and well-being are paramount; by being happy you'll have the strength to make him happy, too.

My advice to you would be to move out as soon as possible. Take a small property for starters if it means getting out of that house all the sooner, and once you're gone cut all contact with his mother. If she rings you up, ignore her. If she shows up at the door, do not open. If she insists, call the cops. It may sound radical but some people only get radical gestures like that. Stick to your guns. Be strong for the man you love and for the sake of your relationship. And lastly, don't be afraid to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. You'll find that his support will make you feel better :)

All the best and good luck!
LostMyLight
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#3

Postby KimiLou » Sun Jan 13, 2013 12:40 am

Admittedly I am slightly speechless at these answers. Thank you so much; you have no idea how much it helps just to hear someone who agrees with me! I constantly doubt myself you see; suppose I have really poor self esteem. I've had a rocky ride through life so far which I'm not complaining about because I know I wouldn't be me without them. But I don't want to tell her anything about me that she could use against me. I hate how I have to be falsely nice to her everyday. I was so grateful to have a 12 hr shift today!! My boyfriend knows I'm not happy living here but I am glad that he's still eager to move out and hopefully it'll only be a couple of months.
I do as she says because I'm so scared of starting an argument again. I can't live like that. It's worse because I know how she bitches about people she doesnt like cause she does it all the time about other people then when she sees them in person shes sweet as pie! So I keep worrying about what people think of me now; even though it's none of my business i suppose. Anyway I really appreciate your support I really do. :) xxx
KimiLou
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Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:14 pm

#4

Postby LostMyLight » Mon Jan 14, 2013 8:35 pm

I see. Would it be possible to sign up for a self-esteem training or workshop where you live? Bonus points if it's a regular thing. That would give you more time to spend away from the house and it would help you in other ways, too.

Also, if you have the time, I wholeheartedly recommend Walter Anderson's book, The Confidence Course: Seven Steps to Self-Fulfillment. It's a very good motivational read with practical tips. It seems to have helped a lot of people.

Stay strong!
LostMyLight
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Posts: 93
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 1:22 am



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