The psychology of a bully

Postby benzerbru » Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:14 pm

Ok, so I underwent an 18 month period of being bullied many, many years ago.

This long ordeal ended up in me seeking retaliation and on seeing the perpetrator a year ago I ended up threatening him with violence and getting myself in trouble with the law.

A key factor in this, is the guy was utterly PETRIFIED at my outburst to my amazement. This guy had implied I was less than sh** on a weekly basis through name calling and his demeanour towards me and had postured like he was tough and dangerous constantly. Through my naivety I bought it.

What I don't understand is the psychology of bullies.

How do bullies have the confidence that they can throw sh** at other people and to not entertain the possibility that once their victim gains some strength they will go and be on the hunt for them for some retribution?

Also, what makes a person abuse someone else mercilessly and then be ok with it?


Any feedback on this is appreciated. Thanks.
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#1

Postby hardlife37 » Sat Apr 13, 2013 10:13 pm

benzerbru wrote:Ok, so I underwent an 18 month period of being bullied many, many years ago.

This long ordeal ended up in me seeking retaliation and on seeing the perpetrator a year ago I ended up threatening him with violence and getting myself in trouble with the law.

A key factor in this, is the guy was utterly PETRIFIED at my outburst to my amazement. This guy had implied I was less than sh** on a weekly basis through name calling and his demeanour towards me and had postured like he was tough and dangerous constantly. Through my naivety I bought it.

What I don't understand is the psychology of bullies.

How do bullies have the confidence that they can throw sh** at other people and to not entertain the possibility that once their victim gains some strength they will go and be on the hunt for them for some retribution?

Also, what makes a person abuse someone else mercilessly and then be ok with it?


Any feedback on this is appreciated. Thanks.


bullies bully other cause thats what bullys learnt to do from a young age ,and the parents dont correct there children some parents are bullies and bully there children and then it becomes a habit for children to become like there parents , i was bullied since i was born all the way till my late 30s i have never been able to gain the power to overcome bulling one of my parents bullied me ,then oters at school started , then i got bullied buy the mafia and evrytime i try to resove tis bulling issue it just escelates ive been to the police so many times and the police dont want to move a finger to help me ,but if i take the law into my own hands then ill be going to prison and im th one whos been the victim for 30 years of bulling then people say to me your a anry person well hello i wonder why ? bullied buy my mpother ,bullied buy lisa and cathriane, bullied buy tim bristow , bullied buy a aboriganal ,bullid buy the asio tammara her name is , bullied buy star city casino, and the list goes on and on and on and there is no help from no one .
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#2

Postby hardlife37 » Sat Apr 13, 2013 10:20 pm

thats why i never had a girlfriend and i tried so hard to make it all work to my advantage to become a proffessional bodygaurd . and become the most powerfull person in the whole world so when i say to bullies its enough leave that person alone or ill deal with you in my own way ,they better take it seriously and they better leave and back away ,i have no mercy i will show no remorse to those that i will deal with in my own way they better be carefull what they wish for cause there wishers may come true today or tommorow or even this week . BACK OFF . YOU FCKU N COWARDS .ive had enough
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#3

Postby Talgar » Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:16 am

Not sure at what age you were bullied though, but I must say that I was a bully at the ages between 13-16. I'm 24 now and I truly cannot understand adult bullies bullying other adults nor have I ever experienced anyone doing so. I can try to think back at what the mentality I had if that will do any good. There was nothing wrong with my upbringing nor did I get into much trouble in my teens. My tendencies to bully vanished immediately when I started high school/college at the age of 16. Putting myself in the feeble mind I had back then, I felt that they deserved it. I bullied people that was outsiders, odd and with a low social ability. I felt that it was their fault and that they could stop the bullying if they just started to behave normally. I wasn't the type of bully that actually hit people, I just called them names and harazzed them all day. I have always been big and strong, I was also very good at manipulating and often managed to get the teachers to believe that the victim of my bullying did something wrong rather than me. I guess this was a role that I took as I didn't bully anyone in primary school and I completely changed over night when I joined high school/college when I was 16 as bullying was suddenly something that people didn't do anymore. I have never been in a fight nor have I ever been mean to anyone since. I don't know what damage I might have done, nor do I think much of it as there isn't much I can do about it. I was a child back then, a different person with the inability to properly consider my actions.
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#4

Postby bert_ernie » Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:21 am

i think it is related to hubris. wikipedia reveals more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hubris

the bit i found most revealing:

"Aristotle defined hubris as shaming the victim, not because of anything that happened to you or might happen to you, but merely for your own gratification.

Hubris is not the requital of past injuries—that is revenge. As for the pleasure in hubris, its cause is this: men think that by ill-treating others they make their own superiority the greater."

as to why bullies don't fear that their victims will come back to get them one day? they may have difficulty putting themselves in others shoes. ie identifying/empathizing with their victim. also they may not realize just how much people change with time, just how much hurt they are causing their victim and how much their victim will hold onto that hurt over time. if the bully is a child or a teen then their minds are undeveloped also, they probably have not developed much wisdom which in a sense is the ability to consider many factors & possible outcomes & make decisions for the long-term rather than just instant gratification.
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#5

Postby benzerbru » Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:12 am

bert_ernie wrote:as to why bullies don't fear that their victims will come back to get them one day? they may have difficulty putting themselves in others shoes. ie identifying/empathizing with their victim.


I suppose you can draw parallels with a psychopath with no empathy who kills people and thinks it will never get caught for it or doesn't think about getting caught for it.

I had and still do have tremendous hatred towards my abuser. To seek retribution I confronted him basically wanting a fight. He looked completely inept at fighting yet he was completely adept at abusing and intimidating.

I can't relate to that mental dichotomy.

Are bullies insane?


Talgar wrote:Not sure at what age you were bullied though, but I must say that I was a bully at the ages between 13-16. I'm 24 now and I truly cannot understand adult bullies bullying other adults nor have I ever experienced anyone doing so. I can try to think back at what the mentality I had if that will do any good. There was nothing wrong with my upbringing nor did I get into much trouble in my teens. My tendencies to bully vanished immediately when I started high school/college at the age of 16. Putting myself in the feeble mind I had back then, I felt that they deserved it. I bullied people that was outsiders, odd and with a low social ability.


I was hoping a bully would respond so I can somewhat psycho analyse lol.

I was 17 when I was bullied and my bully was 33! Nearly middle aged for **** sake.

I can somewhat understand children/teens who are bullies. It's your formative years, you're insecure, you're immature, the school environment can be "kill or be killed" in it's makeup.

I guess what I want to ask you is, how were you able to have no empathy for your victims yet you can have empathy for other people you care about? Also, what was the pleasure in getting power over someone who's powerless?
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#6

Postby hardlife37 » Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:08 am

i worked for the goverment from a young age the goverment spent a lot of money on training me to be an assasin and a bodygaurd , i always had to keep a low profile and maintain a lot of disipline if someone harrased me or wanted to start a fight with me my job was to walk away all the time and not attrack attention a lot of these people who thought i was week had no idea that they were picking on an assassin working for the goverment when ever i had troyuble i would simply make a phone call and a third party would intervene and sort it out . just venting out all my shcizophenia that i suffered from since i was 4yrs old i wasnt invited they chosen me . good luck to all those who do evil .
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#7

Postby Talgar » Sun Apr 14, 2013 11:54 am

I guess what I want to ask you is, how were you able to have no empathy for your victims yet you can have empathy for other people you care about? Also, what was the pleasure in getting power over someone who's powerless?


It's difficult to answer this, but the reason I didn't have any empathy was because I felt the person deserved it. Either the person had been around us all day (which we didn't fancy at all), he had done something in particular that we were offended by or that someone told someone that the victim did something to someone, even though there might have been no truth in it. There were a couple of people that hung around us all the time (because they had no other friends) and I remember that we didn't like that at all. I remember being angry because of it and their fore tried to either bully them away or bully them into behaving as what we would consider normal. There was also a couple of other kids that didn't want anything to do with use, but they were also socially awkward. These guys were bullied by many people and you in some sense got more popular when you bullied them, "everybody did it so it must be fine" type of mentality. These people also had a short fuse and did a lot of unacceptable things when they snapped. Getting them to snap was sort of a goal and people quickly (oddly enough) felt sympathy for the bully when the victim snapped as they only see a person running after another person with a hammer, they don't know what the bully actually did to cause it.

I don't know if I wanted a feeling of power, I can't remember doing so. I just did what I did because I felt it was acceptable.
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#8

Postby benzerbru » Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:00 pm

Talgar wrote:
I guess what I want to ask you is, how were you able to have no empathy for your victims yet you can have empathy for other people you care about? Also, what was the pleasure in getting power over someone who's powerless?


It's difficult to answer this, but the reason I didn't have any empathy was because I felt the person deserved it. Either the person had been around us all day (which we didn't fancy at all), he had done something in particular that we were offended by or that someone told someone that the victim did something to someone, even though there might have been no truth in it. There were a couple of people that hung around us all the time (because they had no other friends) and I remember that we didn't like that at all. I remember being angry because of it and their fore tried to either bully them away or bully them into behaving as what we would consider normal. There was also a couple of other kids that didn't want anything to do with use, but they were also socially awkward. These guys were bullied by many people and you in some sense got more popular when you bullied them, "everybody did it so it must be fine" type of mentality. These people also had a short fuse and did a lot of unacceptable things when they snapped. Getting them to snap was sort of a goal and people quickly (oddly enough) felt sympathy for the bully when the victim snapped as they only see a person running after another person with a hammer, they don't know what the bully actually did to cause it.

I don't know if I wanted a feeling of power, I can't remember doing so. I just did what I did because I felt it was acceptable.


I can certainly understand the "everybody else does it so why can't I" mentality. Also from the sounds of it, the bullying you talk about seems like an outnumbering done for social reasons rather than one person making a targeted mission against another person, regardless of the respect they would get for it, which I underwent.

In fact half the bullying that was done to me, was done in private. I just couldn't believe that someone twice my age would have such a big desire to abuse me for no reason. Which is half the reason I found it hard to fight back. The whole thing felt surreal and still does, especially as there was ZERO provocation for it. I was very respectful and did nothing to provoke it.

I mean a 17 year old being systematically targeted by someone twice their age on a weekly basis for 18 months. How can anyone explain that?
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#9

Postby bert_ernie » Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:22 am

i did a quick google and it seems like the top reason for bullies bullying is often that they enjoy possessing power and having control over others. so i guess simplistically they are megalomaniacs. they derive pleasure from possessing power or believing they possess power.

here's one link: http://urbandojo.com/2010/06/16/bullyin ... ies-bully/

for your question as to why bullies are adept at bullying but the particularly bully you came across was not good at fighting, i have no idea. perhaps he suffered/s from low self-esteem/fears and so gaining dominance over others was a way to try to make himself feel strong & good about himself.

for your own story is there much to be gained in trying to find the logic of your assailant? there are some f***ed up people in the world due to their own bad childhoods or learnt bad habits. you were just unlucky enough to run across one. you don't have to let it define you though, it can be just an event that happened in your past that made you stronger or it can be something you hold onto. it's kind of up to you what you do with it.
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#10

Postby BonnieG2010 » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:29 am

Talgar wrote:Not sure at what age you were bullied though, but I must say that I was a bully at the ages between 13-16. I'm 24 now and I truly cannot understand adult bullies bullying other adults nor have I ever experienced anyone doing so. I can try to think back at what the mentality I had if that will do any good. There was nothing wrong with my upbringing nor did I get into much trouble in my teens. My tendencies to bully vanished immediately when I started high school/college at the age of 16. Putting myself in the feeble mind I had back then, I felt that they deserved it. I bullied people that was outsiders, odd and with a low social ability. I felt that it was their fault and that they could stop the bullying if they just started to behave normally. I wasn't the type of bully that actually hit people, I just called them names and harazzed them all day. I have always been big and strong, I was also very good at manipulating and often managed to get the teachers to believe that the victim of my bullying did something wrong rather than me. I guess this was a role that I took as I didn't bully anyone in primary school and I completely changed over night when I joined high school/college when I was 16 as bullying was suddenly something that people didn't do anymore. I have never been in a fight nor have I ever been mean to anyone since. I don't know what damage I might have done, nor do I think much of it as there isn't much I can do about it. I was a child back then, a different person with the inability to properly consider my actions.


That's an easy way to get away with it.
You certainly did harm people. If you like to think that it was nothing, you can do it, but it's not true.
You should take responsibility of your actions and your thoughts.
I don't think you can just put it away because you were there and the things you did became a part of you
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#11

Postby BonnieG2010 » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:41 am

Hi benzerbru
thanks for this post it can really help us understand more.

Have you ever thought that he might be attracted to you, but he didn't want to and the bullying was a way to make him feel powerful over you, to contrast his attraction to you that made him feel powerless?

I have another question to ask: why did you not seek help from family, friends or whomever?

As you experienced sometimes it is enough to yell at them, to say 'stop' or some thing that shows that you know your own rights and are going to make other people respect them.
I understand that having the double of your age made it difficult for you to respond freely to him. And that's why you should have tried somebody to help you out. Why you did not?

I don't want to be disagreeable but oftentimes bullies just see a flaw in the other person and they stick to it. That's also a reason why the bullied do not react, because he feels that the bully has some kind of reason. So the bullied gets angry at the bully but most of all gets his self-esteem below zero and starts thinking about himself the way the bully thinks about him: as worthless.

Does any of this make sense?
A big hug to you
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#12

Postby benzerbru » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:17 am

bert_ernie wrote:for your own story is there much to be gained in trying to find the logic of your assailant? there are some f***ed up people in the world due to their own bad childhoods or learnt bad habits. you were just unlucky enough to run across one.


Yeah there is plenty to be gained for understanding the logic. At the moment I don't see this person as human. He is scum and I would gladly like to watch him get beaten severely for a long period. No joke.

Through understanding there comes peace. A lot of people do f***ed up and even evil things in life, myself included somewhat. We're all guilty BUT there is usually a REASON why wrong is done and people do wrong and justify that it isn't a wrong.

If I was able to relate then it would squash the savage hatred and anger I feel.

BonnieG2010 wrote:Have you ever thought that he might be attracted to you, but he didn't want to and the bullying was a way to make him feel powerful over you, to contrast his attraction to you that made him feel powerless?


hah well it's a possibility surely but he did have a wife and certainly didn't seem gay from his demeanor so I never entertained that.

BonnieG2010 wrote:I have another question to ask: why did you not seek help from family, friends or whomever?


I didn't seek help because I was going through a very bleak period in my life. I had very low self esteem, depression and thought I was worthless.

Also, I have covert narcissism which makes me too ashamed to admit when I have weaknesses. He was a boss and I was an underling and I didn't want to admit I was being preyed on but I also had to work and assumed that this would happen somewhere else if I moved.

BonnieG2010 wrote:I don't want to be disagreeable but oftentimes bullies just see a flaw in the other person and they stick to it. That's also a reason why the bullied do not react, because he feels that the bully has some kind of reason. So the bullied gets angry at the bully but most of all gets his self-esteem below zero and starts thinking about himself the way the bully thinks about him: as worthless.


Yeah I know but that still doesn't explain the psychology behind it.

It is the equivalent of beating up a dog continuously. There's no justification to it. You're hurting something, you KNOW you're hurting it but yet you still carry on no matter what the consequences, to feed a pathetic sadistic pleasure.

Also, what makes it worse and what feeds my rage is that he KNEW there was something wrong with me psychologically at that time. I was clearly a very ill affected person. Didn't say much, looked depressed most of the time.

If I wasn't narcissistic I could very easily have just killed myself. THAT is what makes me so tremendously angry.
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#13

Postby deemark67 » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:35 am

I think it's a really interesting question. I was bullied in the workplace and the bully now lives fairly near me. She's gained nothing by her actions (she's been promoted but nothing other than that.) and professionally I don't know what it's gained except producing emnity.

I used to teach children about bullying on an anti-bullying course for schools and it always appeared that bullies have some emotional trauma of their own that's unmet. I can understand that completely in children but with adults...I guess the same is true.

I read a book this week that suggested that dictators (maybe the ultimate bullies) have a sort of psychosis! So is a bully mentally ill, or just emotionally needy?

I'm happy to do some more research, but what's worked for me is actually being kind to the person who bullied me! It's quite hard, but I feel better. - She still treats me like I'm invisible though. Oh well...you can't change other people, only the way you treat them.
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#14

Postby BonnieG2010 » Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:49 pm

benzerbru wrote "It is the equivalent of beating up a dog continuously. There's no justification to it. You're hurting something, you KNOW you're hurting it but yet you still carry on no matter what the consequences, to feed a pathetic sadistic pleasure."

You are right. A lot of people, unfortunately, do that. With animals, with babies, with creatures they think weaker than they are. They gain a sense of victory / superiority.
I am not saying that it's a good thing, I'm just saying that there are sadistic persons that enjoy hurting others, once they realize that no one is coming after them for that.

Their personalities are not so mature, complete and developed as they should be.
What's more, what is good and what is bad is not tattooed into out hearts and souls. We must always choose how to behave.
As you experienced pain, you can break the circle of violence and I dearly hope you would.

Please get some help, so that you can leave that horrible past behind and live your life.
Take care
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