Before I start i want to say that my parents never had a good relationship, and I was hurt before by a guy I loved and cared for a lot, so I don't know if this may have anything to do with this.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. At the beginning it was like how any of my other relationships have started out except a little different. I didn't think about when we would break up. I said I love you pretty early because I felt it. He seemed perfect, in every way and an all around great guy and he still is to this day. Around valentines day I was so excited to get something from my boyfriend and I had went on a trip so I was only texting him. One of my exs messaged me and I was chatting with them for a little while and I started to feel guilty and for the first time felt sick and began freaking out that I was giong to break up with my boyfriend and stop liking him. Then when I looked at his pictures i felt nauseas because I felt scared that I didn't think he was cute! I was freaking out and was scared and couldn't control these sick feelings I was getting. I got home and I told him all about it and he was sad but accepting. It began to get so bad I had actual thoughts of breaking up with him but I couldn't everytime I tried i would feel sick and begin to panic and cry. Eventually, I don't know how but I stopped worrying for a while and our relationship was great. He is a great guy always calms me down and I love everything about him. Even wrote a list of 100 reasons why. I also always write him love notes. Every here and there i fould feel sick and scared that I didn't love my boyfriend and that I wanted to break up, (which if i really wanted to wouldn't i just do it like previous relationships?) I would mostly panic when he was away, when he was with me I could reassure myself that I loved him.
Now we are at 6 months and we have gotten through many of my episodes. Today just feels like it is a million times worse because i was better and now It feels as if it is really going to be over! I have a lot of stress trying to determine if he is the one because my parents are going to get divorced and I'll have to move and I don't want to be stuck in a situation when i'm talking long distance and it all be a waste, this had happened before with a guy I really cared about. I am just scared maybe I want to break up??? And i don't really love him at all! We always have fun together when I'm at his house i never want to come home. However when i get home i feel tense again and question everything.
Sometimes i don't want to text him because i am scared he will say something and i won't like him anymore for saying something stupid or if he sends me a picture I will think he's ugly. I am even scared to have celebrity crushes because it makes me feel like I don't love him!
Why does this happen to me? Is my relationship going to be okay? What can I do to calm down? I have calmed down before...!?