I've done awful things, I can't live with myself anymore

Postby j_doe578j_doe5784 » Sat Mar 29, 2014 3:18 am

I've been addicted to pornography since I was 9. It started out of curiosity, now I'm doing it everyday. I'm now 15 and I did something awful. Something so bad I don't even want to say what it is.

Tonight was a very dark night for me, and when I was done, I wanted to kill myself. I literally hit rock bottom and I couldn't control myself. I felt as if my life was over because of the hours I spent in a VERY dark world.

I've thrown up once out of nervousness, and disgust out of myself. I done nothing but cried the past few hours and I want to die. I feel like God will never forgive me, I feel like I am so sick that I don't deserve to be alive.

I'm scared that the things I've done with come back to haunt me, I'm scared that one day people will see what I've done in the dark and hate my guts for it. People would actually want me dead. I'm scared that I will get in big trouble, I don't to! I just want to go back to living life! I have so much going for me, I'm a 4.0 student, I play a lot of sports, and I have great friends. I feel like this one mistake is going to ruin all of that.

I'm so nervous and scared that my records will never disappear and that someone in the world knows what I've done, I'm terrified and have considered suicide over this. I'm truly sorry for what I've done, I can't seem to help think that anyone will ever forgive me, I really need someones assuring words right now. I need someone to help me and tell me its okay.

Sorry if my grammar or spelling is messed up, I'm really scared, nervous, and sad.
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#1

Postby TheCloud » Sat Mar 29, 2014 3:38 pm

What did you do? If you keep it in the dark, it will always be scary, like a monster in a closet. Maybe it really is a monster, but maybe it's a shirt draped over a chair. You won't know until you turn on the light. The worst it could be is what you already feared, and being frightened of a monster you can see is no worse than with one you can't.
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#2

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:45 pm

You can make amends, then you will be able to forgive yourself, you can go and live a life that is very good. Ask yourself "How can I best serve humanity?"
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#3

Postby Cdman » Wed Apr 09, 2014 5:23 am

I know about the addiction to pornography. It has lead me to some dark places and do things i wish i hadn't done. My outer life looked to others if I was perfect with everything was going my direction. But my inner or secret life was filled with shame. The shame and worry wreaked my life out of fear anyone would find out. The shame held me captive. Each day added to my inner sorrow, hopelessness, and depression.

I found a song that changed my life. It gave me hope that I could change my life, leave the chains of my oppressive addiction behind; That I am not alone and a greater power could change the course of my life.


My Story

I'm the one that writes my own story.
I decide the person I'll be.
What goes in the plot, and what will not
is pretty much up to me.

And just in case I need to erase,
it was figured out before.
A thing called repentance can wipe out a sentence,
a page or a chapter or more.

Ev'ryone that writes his own story
now and then will make some mistakes.
But given some care, they needn't stay there.
And this is all that it takes.

You must know you've done wrong, and so
you feel very bad and then,
don't try to hide it. Do try to right it,
and vow you won't do it again.

This book of mine is very important,
and so someone is waiting right there,
To help with my story, He's been here before me
and always as close as a prayer.

We will write each day and night,
and do it well and faithfully.
A wonderful story of sadness and glory.
It's written by Jesus and me.

PS...There is life, hope and everything is going to be alright. :D
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#4

Postby knownothing » Thu May 01, 2014 9:49 am

I dont know whats that awful thing you did.But I think that the solution is simple.It may not beeasy though.I suffered from major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder for years which made me do things and say things I regret and I have never talked to anyone about this even if it haunts me.
First of all think about what you did: can it be fixed? for example I was suffering with uncontrollable anger( you can understand its results I think).Now,after seeing a consultant for many years,I am helping volunteerily on campaigns about anger control,getting over depression and building self esteem.We are all human beings and we make mistakes.Fight against human traficking and children pornography.
If it was something that was illegal and you are really sorry about that then consider confessing it and face its consequences with backbone.
Secondly, you have to accept your faults (and I would recommend you to see a consultant for that as it works wonders for your self esteem). You don't have to forget but you have to forgive.Unfortunately or not,what you did is a part of you and the only way to get over it is to use it to make yourself a better person.
Explore the beauty of the world.After my disorder when I started feeling like a human again and not like a crazy beast I started enjoying things I have never appreciated before.Cooking,quality clothes,loving friends,nice books,yoga and meditation,pinteresting images,bycycling,smelling out the air,inspirational poetry.I realised that I have plenty of years ahead of me and I owe it to myself to enjoy my life and become a better person no matter what I did before.Life is the most expensive gift we get and you should never waste it.Because by doing that you show to the world or to God if that is what you believe you don't recognize it's huge worth.
Also,start talking.Go to therapy groups,to a consultant,to a loving friend.By holding on everything you think, you feel worse AND it doesn't change anything.
About your sex life, if I were you I would try to have sex with someone after I had tried all those thing listed above and only if I was in love with them and I had talk to them about my problem.Sex is a good thing especially when it is a result of love between two persons and you should never be ashamed that you like it a lot-it's like food,we cannot all be skinny right?But I think you should focus on its sentimental side so you can discover that feelings for someone can "lead you to heaven"easily and without guilt.
I wish you luck and I hope you have the strenght to keep up.If I and many people with other or same problems did it then you can do it too.Keep the faith.The most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you're about to give up hope.
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#5

Postby Cheese » Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:50 pm

Hello. I'm glad I came across this page today. I'm having relatable issues here, just in a milder way. I don't actually puke, but I do feel nauseous. I also describe these things as dark and further more. I'm 14. I remember that I used to have an awesome childhood. I was raised right, I had the most amazing friends, the most amazing school... That's something I cling on to, even though it's been two years. I actually kind of deny what I've done, or 'forget' these incidents in some way. But you can't exactly ignore something so bad so dark so sinful so bad so terrible so blah. That's why wherever I go, whatever I do, I carry along this overwhelming amount of anxiety with me. Its something like a reminder of what iv'e done. I cling on to my childhood because it's something I wish I could go back to. Sometimes I want to go back in time and go back to my beautiful old life and feel the contentment, its security, the guilt-free kind of happiness. But it's not that way. Too bad. I am struggling too. But I heard of this sentence before-when you are stuck in between, everything is at its worst. Im telling you to start somewhere. listen to some particular piece of advice and allow your intuition to guide you, because your thoughts are muddled and your emotions are overwhelming you. It's always worst when you are in between; when you are guilty and only half conscious but you don't know everything and you don't know what to do where to guide yourself to. Just remember, it's a battle against yourself, you haven't done anyone harm, only yourself. Sick, twisted minds can be healed. It's up to you whether you are brave enough to accept the consequences to your bad bad actions or bad bad thoughts. By he way, it's not easy to find a way to be better. It took me two years. I'm better now, it's kind of true that time heals everything, because the only way is up. People were meant to live not die. Hopefully it's not too late before you decide to do worse things because it's noticeably been a year or something already.
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#6

Postby tigerlillycat » Thu Oct 20, 2016 12:21 pm

Cheese wrote:Hello. I'm glad I came across this page today. I'm having relatable issues here, just in a milder way. I don't actually puke, but I do feel nauseous. I also describe these things as dark and further more. I'm 14. I remember that I used to have an awesome childhood. I was raised right, I had the most amazing friends, the most amazing school... That's something I cling on to, even though it's been two years. I actually kind of deny what I've done, or 'forget' these incidents in some way. But you can't exactly ignore something so bad so dark so sinful so bad so terrible so blah. That's why wherever I go, whatever I do, I carry along this overwhelming amount of anxiety with me. Its something like a reminder of what iv'e done. I cling on to my childhood because it's something I wish I could go back to. Sometimes I want to go back in time and go back to my beautiful old life and feel the contentment, its security, the guilt-free kind of happiness. But it's not that way. Too bad. I am struggling too. But I heard of this sentence before-when you are stuck in between, everything is at its worst. Im telling you to start somewhere. listen to some particular piece of advice and allow your intuition to guide you, because your thoughts are muddled and your emotions are overwhelming you. It's always worst when you are in between; when you are guilty and only half conscious but you don't know everything and you don't know what to do where to guide yourself to. Just remember, it's a battle against yourself, you haven't done anyone harm, only yourself. Sick, twisted minds can be healed. It's up to you whether you are brave enough to accept the consequences to your bad bad actions or bad bad thoughts. By he way, it's not easy to find a way to be better. It took me two years. I'm better now, it's kind of true that time heals everything, because the only way is up. People were meant to live not die. Hopefully it's not too late before you decide to do worse things because it's noticeably been a year or something already.


Hey :)

I'm 14 as well and I think we are similar in feeling terrible guilt. I also had a great childhood so I don't know what drove me to do the things I did. If it helps in any way I promise that you can't have done anything as bad as what I have done. I hope you are kind to yourself and remember that the universe has no morals, only actions and consequences.

If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.
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#7

Postby Marais » Wed Nov 09, 2016 12:05 pm

You cant really control your emotional drive. Whatever you did first came from a subconcious emotions.

Meaning? There is absolutely no point to bash yourself over it. Unless you hurt someone everything is fine.
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#8

Postby Starryeyes » Tue Jan 10, 2017 2:41 am

Please say what you did. I'm 15 and I think I could be in a similar OF not the same situation as you. Pornography took me to a dark place and it's made me so ashamed of myself that I don't know if I'm a good person anymore. Please respond with what you've done so I can see if I'm not alone. PM me :)
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#9

Postby Venos » Sat Apr 08, 2017 11:29 am

I have also done somethibg terrible I'm currently 17 going to be 18 next month and I'm trying to forgive myself for it but it's hard with everyone I know telling everyone they meet what I did. I will not say what I did on this forum but I will say that I was and still am looking for a way out. My family knows what I did and yet they still keep telling everyone they meet about it and they leave me no room to even try to redeem myself. I don't think that I will ever be forgiven. People have tried to murder me and people demonize me but I will say it was not nearly as bad of an act that it could've been, It could have been much worse. I wish that everyone would listen to my side of the conflict but nope. I am willing to accept any form of punishment be it death or torture but I just want people to stop. The incident happened years ago when I was 12. Nobody will believe me when I say this but I was young and had no morals, I was a very stupid boy and nobody was there for me enough to teach me right from wrong.
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#10

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 09, 2017 1:22 pm

Venos wrote:My family knows what I did and yet they still keep telling everyone they meet about it and they leave me no room to even try to redeem myself. I don't think that I will ever be forgiven.

... nobody was there for me enough to teach me right from wrong.


There's an old proverb, "Give a dog a bad name, and hang him." Your family are 'hanging' you by bringing this five-year-old indiscretion up all the time. They're teaching you to hate yourself and feel ashamed of who you are. That'll wreck your life if you let it.

How about you write a big long list of everything that's good about you? I'm sure there's lots. Then whenever the subject comes up, say: "That may be so, but I'm a good person." If it doesn't come up in conversation, every time you think about what you did, say to yourself: "That may be so, but I'm a good person."

Look for evidence of your goodness. Ask your friends what they like about you. When you meet new people you like, keep them away from your family. And ask your family what they like about you, especially when they're critical. "That may be so, but I'm a good person and I like who I am now. What do you like about me?"

If you like you, other people will too. Chin up, my friend. We all do shameful things sometimes.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 09, 2017 2:32 pm

Venos wrote: I don't think that I will ever be forgiven.


If this is what you need in order to move forward in life, you might be waiting along time. You DO NOT wait on others to forgive you. That is a recipe for failure. It is placing your life, your future, your power, your control in the hands of others. You have to dance for them, you are their servant while you try to please them, looking for their forgiveness so that you can feel better about yourself. STOP giving power to others over YOUR life.

There is only one reason anyone would mention what you did at age 12, they want to control or manipulate you. They keep bringing it up, because you allow it to work. You react and that shows it is a way to have power over you. If they forgive you, they lose that power!

Forgive yourself and move forward in life. When people mention it, know what they are trying to do, ignore it and keep moving. Distance yourself from people that try to use the incident, including family or friends. You don't need people in your life like that.
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#12

Postby Sunnylove711 » Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:32 pm

I'm so sorry that you are going through that! Not sure what you did that is bothering your or causing this much distress in your life. I use to watch pornography and I regret I watched it. I do not even enjoy watching it. But when I use to be curious I did and felt bad afterwards each time. So I forgave myself and said I would never do it again, and I barely watch it anymore and choose to not watch it. It's very dissatisfying and gross. I blame my overly perverted father who just stares at me usually sexually. He is really gross. I think that is why I watched it and also cause I was sexually molested as a child. Anyways good luck on your journey and hope that you will eventually forgive yourself and choose to move on in life.
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#13

Postby darmos653 » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:17 pm

j doe578,

Whatever it was that you've done, and whether or not it's actually as bad as you think it was, it will always be a part of you. Any significant memorable act good or bad will always remain in your psyche unless you lose your memory completely. Is it so bad that you'd want to lose your entire memory for good? I'd be inclined to doubt it.

Resolving, processing and ultimately overcoming the guilt and fear that you feel now can only be achieved through acceptance of yourself and of what you've done. If it involves an actual crime of any significance then you have to think about owning up to it because if you don't you'll always be metaphorically or literally running from it.

Harmony within is achieved through self acceptance. Understand that the "bad" in you is just as much a part of you as the "good". That's not to say that you have to like it or encourage it, but you do have to accept it as part of you. When you fully understand that and are able to accept yourself for what and who you are in your entirety - both good and bad - you'll find that you'll actually learn from what it is that you did rather than allowing it to psychologically hamper your life. When you learn to overcome guilt and fear through acceptance of yourself and of what you've done you'll find that you're in a position to help others deal with similar situations.
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#14

Postby Stiggs » Sun Jul 09, 2017 3:24 am

I realize that I'm replying to an old post. But there have been some other posts since as well. I’d like to address a few of you.

The good folks who have expressed shame, guilt, a “permanent” anxiety and fear over the thing or things they did. (I’m assuming here that the bad event is over and it will not be repeated and that no human was permanently hurt or worse.)

First, put it into context rather than isolate and attribute 100% to yourself. Allot of things happened that brought you to that place where you did the thing you regret. That you became addicted to pornography for example that led you to the “bad” thing. Even the pornography addiction was not an accident. Things happened to you that led to that. Someone introduced porn to you when you had a still-forming adolescent mind and body and were sexually peeking, leading to a compulsion that was certainly not asked for. There are always other factors and there are others that often bear some responsibility too.

Realize that addictions cause even the strongest adults to do things that they would have never normally have do. Pornography is a chemical addiction and like drugs and it is a strong addiction! You made a mistake due to a very hard driving compulsion and an addiction and at a very young age. Fifteen or seventeen is very young, that is not an adult. The mind is continuing to from until the early 20s and teenagers are by nature compulsive, less then mediocre decision makers and have not yet reached the age of true empathy. As a teenager you can forgive yourself for allot.

You are feeling guilt, shame,embarrassment, worry, and anxiety over your bad act. Those feelings are awful but they are also the feelings of a potentially good person. That you have those feelings and wrote your post says something about you. It means you are not a narcissist or a sociopath for they would not have those emotions and they would not regret the actions, but you do! You wrote your post and showed regret means that you are still you, and you’re not the thing you did.

You may be able to feel better if you talk to someone. If a therapist is out of the question, then a Catholic priest or even a monk (even if you’re not catholic) may be a good choice. A good priest should listen, show empathy, be thoughtful, be understanding, offer you advice and maintain confidentiality. Likely, they have heard it all before and worse. Anyone who attempts to shame you, then you should move on and find someone else to talk to. '

As for the 17 year old who’s family is shaming him by reporting on him to everyone they meet. Your family is not cool. They are not empathetic, understanding, or forgiving and I believe they may be scapegoating you or worse. They may bear some responsibility for shaping you toward your “mistake” by their own neglect, callus dialogue, abuse or bad role modeling. They are not acting like caregivers. They seem to not want you to be you but they want you to identify yourself with the thing you did. Whatever you did, I assume you now view it as a mistake and a bad decision and you recognize it as such and will not do it again. You may at some point need to get away from these people permanently. I know that is a tough thing to say to someone so young and who is still dependent on his family. But your family is truly not out to help you. And I’m being nice here.

Finally, to all of you folks who asked for help in the posts, consider a special goal (in addition to the goals of just being you, having a career, friends and a family) of simply being an ideal role model of honesty and integrity to all who know you for the entire rest of your life.

Best luck to all of you. I hope you are able to overcome this, and move on.
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