I found this forum while searching how I should deal with my depressed boyfriend breaking up with me. I am hoping that those here that have experienced the same crushing blow can offer some advice on how I should handle the situation. As of right now I am completely devastated, confused and feel absolutely helpless and have no idea how to proceed with him.
I met C nearly a year ago. He had been separated from his wife for 8 months and was going through a divorce but said the marriage had been over long before that (he has been married twice. Unfortunately both ex-wives cheated/left him so there are a lot of scars). We instantly hit it off - we could talk for hours and just enjoyed spending time with each other. He didn't want to rush in to anything so we took things really slow and we went at his pace. We became friends, then best friends, then lovers and finally partners. He is an absolutely amazing man - very kind, giving, loving, wonderful with my kids etc. He treated me like a queen - I had not felt a love like this before. I honestly believe this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He had told me when we started dating that he suffered from depression and anxiety (his mother and daughter also suffer from it). The anxiety I saw crop up every now & then. The depression I began to see when he would occasionally drink (he didn't drink often - just socially on the weekend sometimes). He would become very emotional when he would drink. On several occasions after drinking he would look at me at say "why me? I don't understand why you're with me? I finally found what I've always been looking for and don't know how I got so lucky" On another occasion on my birthday he was outside with my mom and I was inside laughing with friends and he told her "I can't give her that." Also, one of the only fights we ever had was when he had been drinking and that was because he became very insecure and was jealous of some of my guy friends. He also used to say that he was so scared that was going to lose me. Whenever any of these comments were said I knew it was his depression talking and due to fears from his past and I was always very reassuring and reminded him how amazing he was to me and that I was his and I wasn't going anywhere. After the one big fight after he had been drinking I asked him to no longer drink that heavily around me.
Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I noticed that he was acting a bit off. He was texting/calling me less than usual, our sex life was down to once a week etc. I thought maybe he was just stressed or tired. But then last weekend he just wasn't himself. I know he was tired - he had problems sleeping the week before. He works rotating shifts (day shift for 7 days, swing for 7 days, graves for 7 days). When I snuggled up to him in bed and he pulled away and got up I followed him downstairs and asked him if he was ok and he said he just couldn't sleep. I finally just had to ask "C - are you still happy with me?" and explained to him that I felt that he had been pulling away and that's when the bomb dropped - he said "I don't know."
He went on to say that: he can't be happy C all the time, he felt like he was losing himself, he has this wall that he just can't get past/see over, he loves me but doesn't think he fell in love with me how he should have, that he was sorry - he knew he had opened my heart.
I started crying and he left and went home. When I calmed down I texted him and probably said the worst thing I could have - I asked him how he could look me in the eyes and tell me you loved me every day, multiple times a day, for almost a year? Told him how I didn't understand. His response was that he understood all that and that it's not like he was planning all of this and said he has a lot of issues in his head. At which point I asked him - so are you just scared and freaking out and running away? He said yes it seems that way. I need to deal with my issues now. At that point I told him he pulled away when instead he should've confided in me so we could work through things together. I told him to not let fear make him doubt everything. I probably didn't handle that as well as I should have.
He had stopped responding to me so I gave him some space the next day. The day after that I contacted him and said I still didn't totally understand everything that happened the other night. I asked if he was done or if he just needed some time and space to figure things out in his head? He responded that he needs to be done. He said he can't go on trying to give me something that isn't there on his end. At this point I realized he was pushing me away and that we needed to have a serious talk face to face and went to his house and waited for him to come home from work.
We had a really long talk. I let him know that I was trying to not let him push me away. He said he just wants to be alone. I followed up on some of the issues he had brought up previously. I asked if he thought he was losing himself because we were spending too much time together? He said maybe. I asked if he thought he had to always be happy around me and felt like he couldn't show his true self? He said yes. I assured him that he did not have to pretend around me. I told him he just needed to talk to me - if he's having a bad day and doesn't want to talk or come over that's fine. I asked him if he felt exhausted trying to keep up the "happy" act? He said yes. He then said that he knew this was going to happen when he started dating again - to which I responded that as long as that is how he looks at it that is what will happen. He then again mentioned the wall he had - he said he just can't get past it. He said that when he tried to look into the future he just couldn't see a future for us (I'm assuming because of this wall). He then dropped a bomb and said he just didn't think he was over his ex-wife. Apparently while we were together she had contacted him and asked to get back together - he had told her no (he never told me). Then they recently became friends on Facebook so he could get all the pictures she had of his girls. There was a big behavior change after this as I think the pictures brought back a lot of memories and depressed him. So, I think this has been a HUGE trigger. He has been so hurt in the past and has so many fears and insecurities and I just tried to assure him that I am here for him, I am not giving up on him, I will work through this with him. I will be there with him through the good, bad & ugly. I will not abandon him as others have. I asked him to please let me be there for him. He said he felt like he had to make a decision right then and there and I told him no, just please think about it and he said he would. But, he is a STUBBORN man so when he said I just want to be alone - I think he's going to do just that.
He did say during that talk though that he was trying to make an appointment with a psychiatrist (they were playing phone tag). I told him how proud I was of him and he said he was proud of himself too as it was a big step. He has only ever seen a regular doctor for his depression. He was last on Zoloft (they had him on the max dose) but hasn't taken medication for several years because he said that he felt like a zombie and it didn't help. So, I'm hoping that by him going to a psychiatrist perhaps he will finally get the help he desperately needs like a proper diagnosis for one (who knows if he's clinically depressed, bi-polar etc). I'm sincerely hoping that therapy and medication if needed helps him.
To say I am completely devastated and lost is an understatement and I just don't know what to do to help him. We had a beautiful relationship and while he's questioning everything now I know he loved/loves me - I know because I felt it and saw it in his eyes.
While it has only been a week now since this has all happened he has now completely cut me off and will not return messages or speak to me (and I've not been bombarding him - have sent a text maybe every other day and haven't mentioned our relationship at all). I'm at a complete loss of what to do. How can I prove that I am still there for him without pushing him further away? I love this man so much and I hate the thought of him isolating himself and going through everything alone. I'm just not sure how to handle the situation and hope that others that have been there can offer some advice.