someday-we-fly wrote:I am 14 years old... the problem is that I can't seem to forgive myself.
This is a good age for you to start thinking about an important question in life. How can you move forward in life after making a bad decision? Think about it. In life, we all make some really, really bad decisions at times. From choices about our health, career, relationships, there is basically no way to navigate life without making at least a handful of really bad choices.
At 14, I guarantee you have more bad choices in your future. But, don't fear bad choices. Of course you do want to try your best to avoid them, of course you want to make great choices in life, but for those few times in life when you do make a bad choice, how will you forgive yourself?
My answer, is the easiest way to forgive yourself is to own your decisions in life. It sounds like when it comes to anorexia you have done a good job of owning that decision. It is very mature for a 14 year old to accept responsibility and not look for reasons to explain or defend a bad choice.
The next step, which is where you are in this process is to take some time to reflect, think about and learn from the decision. Learn from all your decisions. Learning allows you to forgive yourself. Learning takes the lessons of the past and makes you a stronger, wiser person better equipped to conquer the world moving forward. Because of what you have learned about your body at the age of 14, what great things might you accomplish in the future because at such a young age you learned how to deal with adversity?
All of us fail sometimes to make good choices, that is to be human. But, what is most important is not the challenge we face, but how we handle that challenge. You are at a point you need to decide, will you let the challenge hold you down or will you step up to the challenge, embrace life and make the challenge a time in your life where you became a better, stronger person?
Side note: I understand the fear, but as you gain weight your period will come back.