Got cheated on a year ago but still can't get over it

Postby confused soul » Tue Nov 17, 2015 8:07 pm

Hi,
so a year back i found out my husband of 7 years was cheating on me.. it was the worst time of my life as i just had a baby and here was the guy i thought would never do this to me..actually having an affair with someone who was really close to me :(

its now a year but i still catch him sometime being in touch with her.. and it drives me up the wall..
he isn't really the perfect husband to be honest but i do love him.. but at times like these when i feel he is cheating again, all these emotions come back to me and i ask myself why I'm still with him...

how do i move on... I'm so confused
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#1

Postby WonderGurl » Wed Nov 18, 2015 12:05 am

You just had a baby when he cheated on you... Of course you're not over it, you didn't get a proper chance to deal with it! Your child is still just a baby, the main priority. Sleepless nights, teething, nappy changes, being on constant alert...
Your situation with your husband is understanbly eating away at you, but I think it will be another while, when your baby is a bit older, that you be able to look at your situation with your husband from a more assured point of view.

I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but the first thought I had when I read your post was is it something you can actually get over?
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#2

Postby JessHenson » Wed Nov 18, 2015 4:10 am

I think you need to ask yourself whether it's something you truly want to move on from, and if so, why? Are you wanting it to work because you just had a child together? Because you're scared to be alone or worried about what the future would hold without him? Or is it truly because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? I'm not questioning your love for your husband, but sometimes you can love someone and the relationship still doesn't work.

I'm really confused why he is still in contact with this other woman. If this relationship is ever going to work long-term, he needs to be doing his part. Staying in contact with her, or really doing anything to make you feel uneasy or bring up insecurities for you about the affair, is showing that he's not willing to fix the problems in your relationship. You deserve to be respected, and he is not doing that. How could you move on when he is treating you like this?

I think you should have a serious conversation with him. Tell him how difficult it is to move on from his affair. Explain to him the things he's doing to make it difficult for you. If he's not willing to make some changes for you and your relationship, then you really need to re-evaluate whether you want to continue being married to him.
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#3

Postby Minnaloushe » Wed Nov 18, 2015 11:43 pm

Hello

Your case is common among all kinds of conjugal problems. Many people's relationship with their spouse was rocky because of infidelity. So was powerful woman Hillary Clinton. They could tackle it, and you can too. You are not alone.

First, face the problem of yours-why do you husband keep cheating you?
This is the question you should mull over.

-Do you physically look less attractive than before after you have a baby? If so take good care of yourself first, and refresh youself-going to gym, buying nice clothes for yourself.

-Have you taken less care of his needs since you got pregnant?

-Do you yell at your husband sometimes? Do you keep accusing him of his cheating? All of these would push him away from you.

Make a checklist for yourself whatever you think you can do better except for what I said above. You want to change people, chnage yourself first-your physical appearance, attitude, etc.

Second, don't take care of your baby alone. You can let your husband involved. The more time he is involved, the less time he will spend with that woman. The more he is involved, the more responsibilities he would like to take voluntarily.

I hope you can do these for a few months. Let him see a more attractive you, a warmer home with his adorable baby, and beautiful wife.

Finally after those, have a serious conversation with him. No fighting, no accusing. Talk about all the problems, and find a way to tackle TOGETHER.

If he says yes, then you two move on together.

If he says no, then it is time for you to consider whether or not you should move on alone.

All the best.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 19, 2015 12:21 am

confused soul wrote:... i still catch him sometime being in touch with her..


Why would you get over something that is still ongoing?

The idea you must "catch him" and that him maintaining that relationship is not a huge violation is something you will never have a chance to get over until it actually is over.
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#5

Postby confused soul » Thu Nov 19, 2015 4:35 am

What he says / said was that he wasn't really over her and he needed to let go by himself. Coz when he did get caught , he was forced to stop contact yet he still carried on behind my back.
And trying to save our marriage , instead of acting like a normal human and giving him an ultimatum, letting him know it's me or her, I instead tried to keep the marriage going by against trusting everything he told me.. Which was all lies.. Coz I Guess I was scared if I left him he would go after her.
A little about the girl he was involved with - she's a really young attention seeker who loves attention from each and every guy she can come across. I keep trying to make my Husband understand this but he just doesn't get it. He even agrees when I tell him but his actions are something else altogether.

As for me, I'll be honest. Even after 2 babies (first boy is 7 now), I still have kept m figure and I dress up quite good. I get complimented on Everyday from my Husband and I know he loves me. But his problem I Guess is he just wants more and more !

So anyway, after catching him last year, a lot had happened.
We were on the verge of breaking up but a few incidents regarding our youngest Son brought us closer.
Thought that would change things between us and bring us closer and it did.
But as soon as we came back to town he started being in touch again. After that he told me he stopped. I again believed him.
About 2 months back I was looking for something in his laptop and o find a so called love letter to her! So I confronted him again and he was honesty enough about that and even told me that he will make me read it fully when it's done.
But till now nothing. He sent it to her I know that but says she hasn't replied and that has kind of made him stop being in touch with her. This time I feel I can trust him on that.

But now the issue on hand is the bitch has started work which is just opposite the place we work.
What am I supposed to do now !!
They say it's over and nothing is there between them. But how do I live like this !! How do I get rid of her!

I want to go to her boss and let her know what kind of person she is maybe that will get her fired.

I am seriously in need of a break from everything in life !! Help
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#6

Postby JessHenson » Thu Nov 19, 2015 5:13 am

So let me get this straight... You don't trust him, and he's not doing anything to regain your trust? You're afraid he's going to run to her if you give him an ultimatum? No matter what you do, you feel you're not enough for him? And you still want this marriage to work? Why?? I think where she works is the least of your problems.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 19, 2015 5:17 am

confused soul wrote:How do I get rid of her!

I want to go to her boss and let her know what kind of person she is maybe that will get her fired.



Don't focus on her. I have seen this time and again. Instead of focusing on the real issue, the husband and the dynamic between you and him, you go after the symptom (the other woman). This is a mistake.

Getting rid of her is a high effort, low reward proposition. It is at best a bandaid, a temporary fix on what is the real underlying wound that is still bleeding.

There are millions of other women out there. And you have mentioned still having a good figure. If that is a factor, then consider each year there will be younger women out there and your husband has already proven he is willing to both lie and cheat, repeatedly. So if you spend your effort getting rid of one woman, you maybe get a few months, maybe a year and there will be another one that comes along...because of your husband, not because of the woman.

What needs of his are you not satisfying? I'm not just talking sexually, but emotionally? Every person has needs. At some point you guys were meeting each others needs, but obviously this has changed. Call it losing the chemistry, the mojo, growing apart, or whatever you want, but it still boils down to figuring out what it is that is going unfulfilled.

And I know your preference is to save the marriage, but don't stay in an unhappy marriage where YOUR NEEDS are not fulfilled. Don't keep dragging it out. Sit down, take a few weeks to talk with him and really iron out what he needs, what you need and determine if staying together is really possible. During these talks, do not get distracted with this one woman and don't believe if she goes away all will be right with the world and that he will never cheat again. As long as his needs are net met, he will cheat.
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#8

Postby DD@success-master » Fri Nov 20, 2015 6:50 am

Everybody here is considering his needs and saying that you should meet them. Why? He promised you that he wouldn't get in touch with her again and he did. That's wrong and he knows that. He just doesn't care enough to stop himself. Not enough respect, your relationship doesn't worth it for him.

That means that you are not valuable enough for him in this condition. What do you think will happen if you try to humor him and meet his needs while your needs are not met? It's like awarding someone for beating you instead of calling the police & showing him that it's wrong & that you won't sit there and accept it just like that.

And what is she doing? As you said, she loves attention from nearly everybody, it's not that she's interested in him. And he knows that her attention is hard to get, that she is not always there for him, like you are.

Perhaps showing him that you are not going to be there if he doesn't meet your needs, would be a better approach. He needs to understand that he shouldn't take you for granted or that you are so desperate that you would accept anything from him. It doesn't matter if you accepted everything so far, just say that you had enough and that you don't even know why you did that till now. Getting angry is good or showing him that you're is better than trying to meet his needs or even pretending that you're looking around for a lover and texting other guys could make him understand how it feels.

Needs or no needs, if he thinks that he can keep doing what he's been doing and have it all, it is unlikely that he will want to find alternatives that would require more effort from him

Otherwise if you humor him, if you award him, while being unhappy yourself, your relationship is already over
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Nov 20, 2015 2:47 pm

DD@success-master wrote: Everybody here is considering his needs and saying that you should meet them. Why?


And he should meet her needs. Why?

Because they are in a marriage. That is what married couples are suppose to do, meet each others needs. If either person in a marriage is not having their needs met, then there will be problems. People either get a divorce or live in an unhappy marriage when their needs are not met. Currently, neither her needs or his needs are being met. There is a gap.

I agree the OP needs to be ready and willing to leave the relationship if her needs are not met.
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#10

Postby WonderGurl » Fri Nov 20, 2015 4:26 pm

Confused Soul, I somehow managed to miss your point about the fact he is still in touch with her. Forget about getting over it! You have every right to be angry after how he's been deceiving you.

Don't mind her. Your husband is the problem. If she goes, someone else will take her place. It's just the kind of person that he is.

Just don't go to her workplace. You wont achieve anything other than coming across as a hysterical bitch.

You mentioned you were on the verge of break up before. I think you should really think about weather based on the history of your husbands affairs with that woman you are prepared to stay with him. To me it looks you are about to go. If that's the case, plan it carefully.
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#11

Postby darmos653 » Sun Nov 22, 2015 12:43 pm

Trying to get her fired wouldn't bring you the solace that you need, and it looks like neither would giving the guy involved any more of your precious time and attention. Try to focus and visualize your life without him.
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#12

Postby confused soul » Tue Nov 24, 2015 10:06 am

I had done and still am doing everything i can think of to keep this marriage going.. and i will not lie i have seen a huge change in him thats for sure..
we have become much closer.. we talk about things.. but i keep having these mood swings where i suddenly remember what he did and it starts all over again.. and by her working so close by you can imagine how insecure i feel.. its bad!
i try hard to ignore it.. and i do somehow manage.. but when he is a bit late from coming back home i start panicking.. how do i live like this!

plus.. just found out theres an addition coming to the family.. i don't know whether i should cry or laugh...
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#13

Postby WonderGurl » Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:03 pm

You're in a tough situation, that's for sure...

You want to make this relationship work, I completely get it. Fact is he broke your trust. Continuously. Not like he had a stupid drunken one night stand... as if that wouldnt be bad enough. Think about this: what would it take for him to regain your trust? If trust cannot be repaired, how does it change the nature of relationship? What are your expectations? What compromises can you make, and what is a no no?

I think you seriously need to weigh a lot of things before you decide whether you're staying or going.
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#14

Postby Livetowin » Fri May 19, 2017 1:43 pm

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Interesting but I have to say when you reach a point where you need to go searching for evidence as to why a relationship has become dysfunctional , then you're really just servicing your denial more than looking for the truth. If you don't have trust, then you're dealing from an empty hand. Looking for proof is as much an act of distrust as the person looking to hide it. If the words of your partner no longer hold merit, then the foundation of the relationship has crumbled regardless of who is perceived to be at fault.
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