My marijuana Recovery Journal

Postby brooklyn1234 » Wed Feb 17, 2016 12:09 am

I'm 9 months clean of marijuana and I've been feeling really discouraged about the quitting process lately and starting to feel like I would be better off smoking again. I have been visiting this site and reading other's post for a while and recently decided to post something. After looking through other's posts on here (again) and seeing how some people didn't really start to feel better till a year I'm reminded that I just need to keep going.

I'm going to begin documenting my progress here so I will be able to look back and see how far I've come because without this documentation it's hard for me to recognize that I've made any progress when I'm 9 months in and still feeling terrible.

So, here's what I'm feeling...
I'm struggling with extreme social anxiety, it's hard for me to even look people in the eye and have a coherent conversation. I'm not too anxious once I'm home alone and unfortunately that has led to isolation pretty much all the time except for when I'm at work which obviously isn't helping. It's a vicious cycle, my anxiety is present when I'm interacting with people so I isolate and the isolation further contributes to the social anxiety. I'm anxious because I isolate and I isolate because I'm anxious like Fat Bastard with eating. Ha! Have to find humor in this situation or I'm lost.

Another disturbing symptom, probably worst of all is the depersonalization/derealization. It's a very strange feeling that I can't even properly describe in words and I'd rather not try to think about how I could describe it, immersing my mind in the details of the symptom. I think that's one of my main problems is that I'm so stuck in my head and constantly thinking about the symptoms and why they're present and what I can do to fix them. Obviously, I need to take steps to better myself but I can do so without the obsessive thoughts.

It's also frustrating to feel as though there's something blocking my neural pathways and I'm just not as sharp as I use to be, I struggle with simple problems and even just finding the words that I'm looking for in conversation. It's strange because I always assumed that once I stopped smoking weed mental sharpness would be one aspect that would improve. Oh well, I think it's just that the brain is preoccupied with rewiring itself to learn how to function again without a constant flow of THC and once it has had time to do so it will function again at full capacity, hopefully even more so than when I was stoned all the time but at this point I would be happy if it would just returned to that level.

I actually feel pretty decent tonight, I wasn't feeling great this morning which is typical when I wake but I tend to level out as the day progresses. Back to work tomorrow and I plan on getting back on my exercise regimen tomorrow as well, I know how much that was helping before I stopped doing that.

This is kind of just going to be a stream of consciousness for my own therapeutic purposes so if you're reading this you might see that my posts really don't have purpose or direction. But feel free to chime in if you'd like, I'd enjoy a back and forth with someone who is in a similar situation.
brooklyn1234
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#1

Postby soulvice » Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:52 am

Hey man,

I'm in a similar situation but at the 6 month mark. You definitely will not be better off smoking again. Marijuana caused all these problems so there is no part of it that will fix any of it, sorry to be dealing a harsh truth. Can I ask how long you smoked for and how often? I smoked for about 6 months in 2010 but only really every second weekend with mates. Then i stopped and had no withdrawal or symptoms what so ever, infact I was in year 12 and did reasonably well. But I then took it up again in 2014 and stopped August of 2015, so about 18 months of it, again only little bits until the last few months was every few days and most weekends. And I now face the same you do, 24/7 Depersonalisation, big mental problems retaining information understanding situations etc, and also socially even more anxious than I originally was. I feel your pain but I have hope we will both get through this. Also would you mind sharing what age you started?
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#2

Postby brooklyn1234 » Thu Feb 18, 2016 2:34 am

Well I started when I was 14 and literally loved it so much that first time that I smoked it every day for the next 10 years, a couple breaks in between but never more than a few weeks. The thing is, when I started back then the weed was a complete different caliber than it is now. Every once in a while I would come across a bag of some really potent stuff, similar to what is common now, but for the most part it was outdoor bush weed and was easy to smoke on everyday and still function properly without experiencing any serious anxiety. It wasn't till the last couple of years that I started getting the high grade medical marijuana that was coming from California and smoking that on the regular and I think that is the issue. Which is why I think at times about going back to smoking the old weed with much lower THC levels because I can still find that. But I'm not going to at least until I've been clean for two years and I'll see how I feel then. I don't want to lock myself into any absolutes as far as quitting forever but I do plan on reaching that two year benchmark and I'm confident at that point I'll be feeling much better and won't even want to smoke again.

But ya, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this as well, it's definitely a strange and arduous process. Hopefully you'll be able to recover more quickly than I am since you spent less time smoking. I know how frustrating it is with the struggle to retain information and just feeling completely lost. The depersonalisation is no joke! I've had a really good day today though and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm back to exercising, I really feel good after a good workout. Also something that has helped me combat the depersonalisation and anxiety is meditation and mindfulness through out the day. Just focusing on what I am doing in each moment instead of getting lost in thought and functioning on autopilot.
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#3

Postby soulvice » Thu Feb 18, 2016 2:48 am

Ah right. I'm from Australia and I really couldn't tell you too much about what quality I was smoking, I feel like the stuff I smoked with mates back in 2010 was much stronger, I had some pretty crazy trips one I remember seeing musical notes coming out of the TV and another where I heard some voices from the ceiling, both of which i've never come close to experiencing again. I was 17 when i started that time and as I said had no withdrawal but I was 19 when i picked it up again and had the longer period of smoking. But I'm not sure what this means in terms of the studies that show if you start under 18 or whatever the effects can be permanent whereas if you're older it's supposed to be reversable but I really don't trust any of those studies. But yea I understand the craving like I would love to be able to go back to my life how it was last year but that doesn't mean I'm going to because every single day is a struggle now so I've learnt my lesson but that's just my two cents. Thanks for the quick reply and good luck!
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#4

Postby brooklyn1234 » Thu Feb 18, 2016 3:08 am

Yes, I've done a lot of reading about how it effects the brain and it seems that multiple studies do suggest that it has a much more detrimental effect on the younger developing brain but I think you're probably safe not starting till 17, quitting before too long and before 25 at which point they claim the brain is finished developing. Either way, I've also done a lot of reading about neuroplasticity and our brains are capable of amazing things. It's ability to rewire itself remains forever so I don't believe that any damage done is permanent. When I get caught up in negative doomsday ideology, telling myself that I'll never be normal again (which is ridiculous) I find an inspirational story of someone overcoming tragedies much worse than ours so I know we'll be ok, it just takes time. Good to talk to you man, and good luck to you as well!!
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