I've just come back from the bank, and it was a huge waste of time. They weren't able to stop the payments or even give me a small overdraft to cover the direct debits that are going to be requested and bounce again. That means that next month I'll have to pay another £100 in penalty charges (or half of that, if I somehow manage to pay in some money on Sunday to cover the two payments due on Monday) ... money that is FUСKING WASTED! I am so furious and disillusioned, and I feel like giving up on everything. With 'giving up' I don't mean starting to smoke again, as I know exactly where that leads to. But just abandoning all my hopes, plans and aspirations. All my hopes keep ending up crushed over and over again, and I feel that I am just trying to push against a huge wall of resistance. I can't see it as anything else other than the Universe telling me that I'm trying to head down the wrong path. I like going with the flow, even if it means occasionally having to shove some obstacles aside. But where is that flow with where I am currently heading, when I'm not getting anywhere?
This art shıt has been causing me a headache for so long. When I was still at college, I would end up with some amazing work every week. Sometimes it would take me several days to get started ... nervousness, self-doubt, the fear of failure would lead to a feeling of being overwhelmed and result in procrastination nearly every single time. Then I'd cram the work into one or two days, and I'd exceed my own expectations of myself. At times, the stress would make me ill, and I'd have to take a long time off, so I ended up missing more lessons than I attended. But I was proud of my work, and I enjoyed presenting it in class whenever I was able to make it. It gave me at least some sense of purpose. In the end, I ended up with a 'distinction' degree, after spending two or three weeks catching up on a whole year's work. Admittedly, not all my absences were the result of stress related to the work we had to do. I had a two-year period at the time when I had swapped weed for synthetic cannabinoids, one of the worst things I've ever done. They made me seriously ill, both physically and mentally. Suicide just isn't an option, including the slow form through smoking and taking other harmful substances. That's something that I established some time ago. But I probably need to let go of any expectations that I have of myself. At the moment I just feel like a failure.
Vintage678 wrote: I have to wonder why your sister just threw it all away all those years.
I could ask the same thing about myself. I guess there are no easy answers.
If she stays with your parents, they are getting up in age and this will put a hardship on them.
I am hoping that she'll be lending a helping hand with things, instead of being a burden. Only time can tell.
Addictions are hell, as i am finding out right now with the amitriptyline withdrawal. Holy cow!!! I purposely avoided the forum all day because i felt horrible earlier.
But feeling good now so i took a peak.
I'm sorry to hear that, but glad you get phases where things are easier. Are you sure you don't want to start a thread on here? It can be very freeing!
Julia i cant believe you have been off cigs for ten weeks!! [...] You have to be a strong person to pull that off!!
It's not really something that I can pat myself on the back for, and tell myself that everything's going to be fine from now on. Over the past twelve years, I've had a number of attempts at quitting, and each time I've relapsed after 5-6 months at the most. This time feels different. i have got resources and insights that I've never had before, I've cleared so much stuff out of my flat over the past two years (which was not only taking up physical space, but also space in my head), and I'm prepared to question everything that I do.
One thing I can say is that I'm definitely not strong. It would be dangerous if I told myself that that is the case. Earlier on, I heard some loud music pumping out of a car, and it reminded me of some festivals that I've been to in the past. I was thinking that I miss those occasions, and I remembered that I've always come across people at those events who have been completely clean and who seemed happy. The fact that drug taking is very common in alternative culture doesn't mean that I need to stay away from people celebrating the diversity of life. But I am far from being strong enough to be around anyone at all who smokes weed ... well, nearly.
Last week, I met a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen since last year. She has always smoked weed since I met her some years ago, but she's also been able to go without when she hasn't had any money, or when there's not been anything available (unlike me, who always fell into a state of despair when I didn't have anything, and who would put weed before basics such as food). We met for a coffee, and then went down to sit at the beach for about an hour. It was the first time since about this time last year that I'd been to the beach - which must sound crazy, considering that it's only about five minutes walk from where I live. But in Summer, loads of tourists come to this town, and I don't like being anywhere where it's packed. However, because of the rail chaos (strikes, cancelled services, overcrowded trains and so on), the tourism sector in this town has been suffering this year, and it was really empty. It might also have been due to the fact that we went to the nudist beach, as I told her that I don't feel very comfortable where all the families tend to hang around - with screaming kids, barbecues and plenty of alcohol - and it is generally less busy there. My friend told me that she had stopped smoking weed two months earlier, but that she had started smoking cigarettes again after managing for a month without. However, even if she had smoked a joint, it wouldn't have been a problem for me. But indoors, or in a large crowd of people, it would have bothered me.
I envy you being able to sleep such long hours. Dreaming. So good for your health.
Well, until two days ago I wasn't really getting much sleep at all. I just can't sleep after about 7 or 8am, and I was often going to bed very late. But recently, I've been going to sleep earlier (around 11pm two days ago, and even as early as around 10am last night). But I'm not sure whether I'll be able to keep that up. Tonight I need to get rid of a sofa, and I'll need to wait until at least midnight before it gets less busy, and I can take it downstairs.
I would like to see a painting you are working on. I would buy one, if i liked it.
I'd rather not post anything that's not finished. I was doing that when I was still on Facebook, but I found that documenting the process would become more important to me than actually finishing anything. But I do offer friendship prices, if you are ever interested.
Earlier on I was asking myself why things can't be like they were in the first half of the nineties. Yes, I was taking a lot of drugs to suppress my emotions, and I didn't dare to ever reveal my true thoughts, and the real 'me'. But I had friends whom I could rely on, even if I wasn't able to open up to them about my feelings. Often, I would wake up on a Summer morning, and after meeting some people in the park, we would head out into nature, to a lake where we would be spending the weekend, with plenty of food and drink, and where we would just be able to jump in the water to cool down. There were plenty of forests where I lived, which gave me a kind of solace that I no longer experience. Fresh smells, butterflies, the sound of birds ... freedom from civilisation and other people, so many untrodden paths ... a bike that would take me anywhere I wanted to ... no plans, no worries, just enjoying the day, without worrying about tomorrow ... it's tearing me apart that I can no longer enjoy that freedom. Where am I? Where am I heading? How do I get out of here???
My parents want to come and visit me on Sunday. That means that I'll need to tidy up a bit. Maybe that's all I need to do, so I'll try to stop worrying about everything else. At the moment I just want to go back to bed and spend the day there, so I can block out all these unpleasant emotions, until I feel a bit more relaxed and ready to deal with them.