need advice

Postby frozen » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:22 pm

I’m a bit lost right now. Almost 1 year ago I met this guy, at first everything was great then I’ve found out that he has lied to me about so many things, I forgave him, but then we broke up, because of all the drama in his life. He was separated from his wife, but they were still living together for the sake of the children. The soon to be ex-wife hated me and was threatening him to take away the kids and fake an assault so he would go to jail. He has Bipolar and she has filmed one of his breakdowns. She has PTSD, but think she has some mental issues as well.

I did not hear from him in months, then we briefly talked online, to me this was a pretty bad conversation, he’s said he was sorry about dragging me into his mess, he should have known better and ending it earlier. Now 1 month later he texted me saying I was right all along and that they had a big fight and she was arrested for domestic violence. Now she moved out and can’t talk to him for 1 month. He says she won’t be moving back in and he does not want anything to do with her, but he has changed his mind once already, so I’m afraid he’ll do it again, especially when the court rules that she gets full custody. I know he is stressed out and anxious about everything, I want to be there for him, but I already know I will end up being hurt again. I still love him and wish we could find a way to be together, but it’s not only the issue with her, he has issues himself. Not even sure why he’s contacted me, he probably just needed someone to talk to that knows the truth already and I was always there for him. I fear this will only be temporary, in case she gets custody or they share, then she would not want him to talk to me and in case he gets it, he won’t have time anyway.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 20, 2016 8:56 pm

frozen wrote: I want to be there for him, ...


Why?

Why do you want to be there for a liar that will emotionally hurt you. Don't say "love". Instead, look at what mental challenges you are facing? Do you suffer from low-self esteem? Do you fear being alone? Do you think the best you deserve is a bi-polar, married man with children? Has he treated you like no other man, providing you an emotional fix you call "love"? And then he turns around and hurts you, but you want him back because you are mentally unhealthy?

Don't focus on him, don't focus on her. Focus on you and the problems you have. When you do this, you can get on a healthy path and find a real, healthy relationship.
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#2

Postby frozen » Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:53 pm

Thx for your reply, but total BS! Not everyone has issues.
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#3

Postby jeinert » Tue Jan 31, 2017 1:27 am

Frozen,

You really don't get it do you? You don't need this guy in your life. He will drag you down with him. Chances are, he will be back with his wife at some time in the future. He is just using you. He does NOT love you or even care much for you, or he would act like it. You are just someone he can use when he is arguing with his wife. If you care for yourself, you don't want in this relationship. Run, don't walk, the other way, and get this guy out of your life now!!!
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#4

Postby Livetowin » Tue Jan 31, 2017 2:25 pm

Hi Frozen. I think you answered all of your questions with your first post. It hearkens back to an old lesson I had to learn in life. We can care for certain people and even find love on certain levels for others. But none of those emotions and values we find in others serve as indicators as to whether we can be with them in a meaningful relationship. Who we are as people plays such a huge role in that, but also how well we know ourselves plays a bigger part.

This gentleman is at the end of a relationship and is waking up to a number of issues he refused to see before. From your description, he needed it to blow up in his face before he accepted those issues. That sounds like a person who needs time away to gather himself and find inner growth for his own best interests. Someone who is not in control of their circumstances is a great indicator of where you will end up if you jump on that ride. I think your instincts to see failure here are quite sound.

I would trust those instincts and not let your general interest in him override the facts of his situation. He's looking for someone to emotionally save him. He needs to realize he is in no shape to take on another commitment until he understands better why he did not embrace the warning signs in this relationship and chose to let it self-destruct. He has a serious identity crisis in play here and if I were in your shoes I would not want to be the one who has to take all the fall out that will come from that dissolved union. His undisciplined emotions got him in this mess and now he is failing to learn from that lesson and going right back into that rabbit hole. Your wise to keep him at arms length. I wish you best of luck.
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#5

Postby HumanB » Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:09 am

You havent asked a question so I dont know what you want to know. You make it clear that you know this guy is a big gamble for you to take (and is going to be hard work whatever).... no one is going to disgree with that. The thread reveals people's attitudes to gambling and mess! Richard questions why you feel the need to take on such a big gamble and mess....sounds like one sensible line of enquiry. "Because I want to" may be a good enough answer for you to that, even if it wouldnt satisfy him. The only person you need to satisfy is you. So what is going to satisfy you?
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