how can i trust a compulsive liar

Postby stormcloud » Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:44 pm

hi i am new to this forum and am hoping to find answers here cuz i really don`t know how to figure this out. i have been with my boyfriend for seven years now and our relationshio started off dishonestly. we were both still married. i had already told my husband i was leaving and we were liveng seperate lives but my boyfriend was still with his wife. i knew he was in this relationship for his kids and they had only married cuz she was pregnant and there was know love involved. we fell in love and i tried to stop the relationship but he decided to leave her. i was not his first affair but he fell in love with me. we have had alot of problems one of which is jealousy on both parts and the other being his continual lies. of course i always understand why he lies. to protect himself from me and my insecurities but it does not make it any easier i still cant trust if anything he tells me is true or not. how can i get to a point where his lying does not bother me. can anyone please help me find some answers
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Postby kfedouloff » Tue Sep 06, 2005 9:48 pm

Hi stormcloud

Well, I guess if you don't want his lying to bother you, you need to stop wanting to know whether he is lying or not.

What would happen if you just made a decision to believe everything he says and ACT as if it was true? Would that be comfortable for you? And if you later discover that he has in fact lied, you could say to yourself "Oh, that was one of those lies coming up. Bound to be a certain percentage of them, I guess!" Would that be comfortable for you?

Speaking of percentages, you could alternatively make up your mind to believe one in every four of his statements. So treat every fourth statement as a lie. Don't check whether it is or isn't. Just decide that his level of lying is one in every four, or one in every three, or whatever it is, and then arbitrarily believe the first three, and disbelieve the fourth one, without worrying about it. How would that feel?

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Postby indigo » Tue Sep 06, 2005 10:13 pm

Smoking! as in stopping smoking! I was told this years ago & NOT by someone who would lye to me Time to do something about this ! Thanks for reminding me
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Postby snowbunny » Thu Sep 08, 2005 8:43 pm

out of curiousity, why do you WANT to trust a compulsive liar? how do you know that anything he says is true? wouldn't it be more appropriate for him to be honest with you? think about what you are saying... "how can i trust a compulsive liar?" should trust and liar even be in the same sentence?

considering you have been together for seven years, one would think that by now he can feel comfortable enough with you to be honest. what kind of relationship do you have where he is not honest with you, and you cannot trust him?
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Postby bobhawkes » Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:22 am

snowbunny - It is easy be judgemental when looking from outside but stormcloud sees things from her perspective. She wants to be with this man. She loves him. They have the kind of relationship that has lasted 7 years despite the lying and the shaky start. That kind of relationship shows strength. On balance she sees the relationship as a good thing but wants advice on dealing with the down side of it. Seeking advice shows how much she wants to strengthen the relationship.

stormcloud - Kathleen has made some good suggestions
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Postby stormcloud » Fri Sep 09, 2005 11:47 am

thanks for coming to my defense bobhawkes u seem to understand. i do love him and want this relationship to grow. i just dont know how to deal with not only the emotional but the physical side of what i go through when I feel hes lying to me. Kathleen thank you for your advice i will try to do that. I honestly believe that relationships are there to help us grow and that u just dont quit cause something is upsetting . I know he is in my life for a reason and understand that he is only reflecting what i already Own. Working to change ourselves is a very difficult task in life but i strongly believe that thats what we r here for and that it does make a big difference in the end. thanks again to the both of u. Connie.
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Postby bobhawkes » Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:20 pm

You're welcome.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the physical side of what i go through when I feel he's lying to me".

You suggest that your partner lies to protect himself from your insecurities. Have you thought what you could do to make him feel more confident about telling you the truth? You can't change him, but by changing yourself you can start a change in him. Maybe you could ask him what you need to do to allow him to tell the truth?

Just a thought. :)
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Postby Sarazen » Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:21 pm

You may have to accept him as he is, compulsive lying and all but as you grow in your relationship you could discuss the lying.

For instance he may lie without thinking about it. It may seem like he does it intentionally but the lying could very possibly be a reflex response.

Accept the lie and discuss the reasons why he lied and what it would have meant if he had simply chosen to tell the truth.

There are reasons why a person lies, is he protecting something or his self-esteem perhaps?

There must be a cooperation to work on these issues without getting angry or taking it personally. Because it is something he has developed over a period of time it's unlikely the lying will automatically disappear.
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