. . . but i know that's what i'm dealing with. i've been eating mounds of food and upchucking it since i was ten. that's bulimia. i get that. i understand that, but honestly, besides fatigue and inability to sleep and weightloss and such, that's about it for this disorder in terms of me.
i'm on the cusp of admitting that i may have GAD as well as some sort of depression. everything scares me and i find myself literally lay in bed crying for weeks at a time, feeling absolutely miserable, but this somehow doesn't get in the way of my daily life. i know that it should--and don't get me wrong, when i have to go to work or school during those weeks-long tear-indulgent binges, it is so hard--so, so, so hard--to find the motivation. well, first of all, it's hard to stop the tears lmfao, but second of all, it's just plain hard to function. so that's mildly distressful. i'm still waiting for it to really get in the way of my life the way it has for other people because i could see how i could let that happen, but i try really hard to not give into it most of the time. i would probably be worse off if i had some sort of drug addiction, though, right?
anyway, the weird symptoms that i'm talking about are my oversensitivity to other people's problems? i could cry over anything. sometimes it feels like every nerve in my body is exposed and rubbed raw, and then eventually i'm numb, but never for long. i feel so much guilt from an unknown source (i'm not religious, my parents aren't strict, so it must come from me?). what else? oh, i don't have a very good memory of my childhood, and i can't remember feeling half as much as i do now. basically, i don't remember being a person past like this last year or so of my life. could that be disassociation? but from what and for what? i also obsess over my best friend and her well being and what she does and where she's at? it sounds crazy, but i read once that that could have something to do with some OC related disorder? when i was younger (and i can find myself doing this every couple of months) i felt the need to shower three times a day? i was not in sports nor physically active. i think i was afraid to smell bad?
also, i find myself resenting the people that probably need my love and support the most? i've never had clear feelings for anyone of any gender my whole life in terms of like romantic feelings? i hate when people touch me, specifically my mother, my sister, and sometimes my younger brothers and one of my close friends. i feel like i'm physically going to disgust people if they make contact with my body?
would anyone suggest therapy for me lol or am i managing fine by myself? i'm inclined to believe the latter, but i would appreciate honest opinions. plus, i'm riding the poverty line and, as my username suggests, i'm really busy. i have to be, because i'm scared of being bored.
so basically, thoughts? on all of this? anyone dealing with similar things? what are your experiences? any shots in the dark for a diagnosis or two for me? nothing really worries me in terms of my mental health. what worries me the most is not seeing all of my symptoms clear cut on one list.
oh, i'm a female who identifies as a female. if that matters. and 19. if that also matters.