Selfishness, disapoinment or ?

Postby lele1856 » Sun Aug 21, 2016 11:07 am

Hello there, I always wanted to hear other opinion about stuff I see in myself and seems something is not right. Simply I am trying to understand what is wrong with me. I don't know even from where to start to so I am just going to give some examples:

- A lot of people invites me everywhere but when i go there i don't feel right (movie, club, hangout and other similar stuff), but if I am not going somewhere i feel somehow disappointed with myself, my actions. Especially with people I care (family, girls i like), Just simply if i go somewhere, i don't feel that I am doing right thing, i just don't like the time i spend and if i stay at home it doesn't feel right too cause it seems so that I am just wasting my life so in any way i don't feel any good.
- Simply everything seems boring and not intersting, people i meet, stuff i do (but i would like to learn more but when i learn is just doesn't make me any more happy) like drawing, sports, organize (internet stuff).
- I would like to do a lot of extreme stuff like Skydiving, skiing, driving with motorcycle, parachuting from clifts or something like that. I did some stuff but still, it's feels not right, not much entertaining, that i could feel Alive.
- I traveled some, worked in diffrent countries, i felt happiness for short time but everything just simply wash away in few weeks.
- Most time without things i will mention in below I only stay on Computer cause everything other just wash away too quick, i mean my own interest in any activity (except Computer). And no, I am not addictive to this, but it just the only way to do something at while other stuff just don't keep that interest. Even PC is just getting boring too.
- 0 emotional about any stuff.
- Selfish.

Things about myself which I do and I did in those 20 years of my life and if you think I need some kind if Motivation or what but I don't think that is a thing:

- Serving in Volunteer Army 2 years (would like to become Profesional Soldier but didn't passed Heath test like Hearing) and keep serving.
- High achievment in own country and Baltic States (like champion) in Atlhetics, Basketball.
- Learning IT, doing a lot of internet stuff which i earn money, gaming (mostly what i do, but it's just doesn't keep me hooked).
- Very Self-Confident
- Never have been Drunk or drinked any alchohol more then 50ml. Never smoked and didn't tryied.
- Always tryied and trying to achieve best. Not to impress others, to show-off or something, but to give myself best to it.
- Always trying to change to be better cause no one is perfect. Learn from my mistakes.

Just simply can anyone tell me how to overcome this lose of interest in anything, gain Happiness, to do stuff i would like to do and enjoy it, but if i do it alone it just don't feel good and same with others. Just simply stuff i do like and i do doesn't seems so to bring any joy, only very little and short and only disapointment.
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Postby Crankor » Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:52 am

From my standpoint, i've had similar thoughts about a different aspect of myself. There are different kinds a happiness. Finding something to keep your amusement/motivation or whichever term you prefer is really subjective to yourself. As in it's a difficult thing for someone else to be able to find it for you. For me, its wanting to improve myself in whatever i try. Not to say i enjoy everything i do but i have found i have to have a level of commitment to whatever i try in order to improve and then it's the improvements that keep me in a better mental state. I understand there are some things that are not the same doing alone. I have things i like to do that i won't do alone for the same reason.

I do agree it's not lack of motivation you have either. It's something after that, maybe you just want a little acknowledgement from someone or people in general with the things you can do or your abilities? Sounds like your at a stage where you need some group based activities. I even have a hard time finding those that interest me. I could be completely wrong....
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Postby Roady » Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:49 am

Do you have meaningful goals in life?
Do you think life is meaningful?
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Postby lele1856 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 11:48 am

Yes, i have meaningful goals like to create a life i could enjoy, without any restrictions. For example finish studies and find enjoyable job, a place to live where i want.

Do I think life is meaningful? I think so, but not for sure.
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Postby Roady » Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:15 pm

If you are filling an inner emptiness with all those things, that may be a reason why you are hunting further from one to another. Never fulfilled.
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Postby AlexD » Mon Nov 21, 2016 11:27 pm

Have you tried to read some Zen literature? I've found it very helpful in moments similar to what you are describing. I am now 40 years old and consider myself a very happy person, but fifteen years ago it seemed to me like I would never ever be happy in my life. I guess this is the nature of those who search in themselves and it could last for quite a while.
One of my favorite Zen authors is Alan Watts. Try the following titles by him if you'd like:

This Is It
What Is Zen?
The Wisdom of Insecurity
Still The Mind
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