Nesi wrote:I would tend to agree with what you are saying is true in 75% of the people I have encountered throughout my experiences of being an addict out of recovery for 25 years and in the process of recovery for 17 years.
So we overlap in point of view 75% of the time…from the outset. That’s not a bad start in my book!
Nesi wrote:However, there is that 25% of people who were not emotionally traumatized or had no major crisis to speak of underlying thier addictions.....more just a form of neglect in being taught how to deal with life on life's terms.
I think that other 25% was emotionally traumatized, just in different ways. I think that 25% of people who were seemingly not traumatized can be broken down into two basic subgroups.
1) They were traumatized and in an extreme and significant way but have so blocked it out – for various reasons – that it is no longer noticeably apparent…to them or most others.
2) Their trauma WAS the form of neglect that you speak of. Neglect, even mild emotional neglect, can be highly traumatic for a child – especially if it’s chronic. I consider that when parents do not fully understand, respect, and appreciate the true self of the child this is inherently traumatic for him. He is not being seen for who he is, and his internal reality is not being validated. This is even painful for adults! How much more so for a child!
Nesi wrote:It seems that there is a whole attitude and still is of people who were never taught an internal locus of control, a healthy sense of self
The way to teach a child how NOT to get an internal locus of control – and thus how NOT to get a healthy sense of self – is to emotionally abandon him. This is traumatic. And you never even have to lift your hand in anger or raise your voice to do it. And it happens EVERY day. To varying degrees, I see it as the norm in every family.
Nesi wrote:they and are just plain co-dependent instead of interdependent. They are driven by a sick need to validate themself externally no matter what the cost.
This is a consequence of the trauma, not the cause of it.
Nesi wrote:I would venture to say it has alot to do with childhood development and patterning. After all I have met many people who have had such tremendous trauma and woundedness in thier childhood (by my standards) that you would think that they most certainly would become an addict in some form to escape their pain, but instead were taught healthy coping skills and adopted a healing attitude at an early age, because they were also taught to love and honor themselves first. What make these individuals different? Maybe it was because they had healthy self actualized role models that taught them how.
Even one enlightened witness (a healthy role model who sees the child for who he truly is) can make a HUGE different to a child, and can give a child a basic model for self-love and self-respect – the foil for addiction.
Nesi wrote:It does not necessarily take a crisis or a trauma to wound a child.
I have a very broad definition of trauma. I consider conventional traumas to be at the extreme end of the trauma spectrum.
Nesi wrote:What if a child is raised by a mother who is a victim of some unresolved trauma? She will unconscioiusly instill fear and vitim behaviors by transference in the child she is raising by simply role modeling those behaviors.
Thus she will traumatize him.
Nesi wrote:This stance in life will eventually manifest later in an emotionally unbalanced adult in some form or another. it is a sneaky silent subtle erosion that takes place. Not some big event. more of a developmental neglect.
…which, from the perspective of the child, is a trauma.
Nesi wrote:i enjoyed relating to you comment. but I have a question? How can we promote and adopt a stance of healing and love to begin with.
Start by healing ourselves. Devote our lives to healing our own wounds. Make it our top priority. All else follows naturally from there.
Nesi wrote:What does a healthy childhood look like?
1) Enlightened parents – ones who have resolved all their own traumas
2) Parents who devote their full emotional energy to seeing and nurturing the truth that is ALREADY in their child – after all, he or she is already born perfect…and full of truth
This is the ideal.
I just wrote a piece called “The Baby’s Manifesto” which addresses this subject in more depth, and I’ll be putting it on my website soon.
Nesi wrote:What healthy skills can we teach our children at an early age that will help them deal with the inevitible crisis's they will surely face in thier futures.
A child with a strong sense of his own true self has the best tools around to deal with life’s inevitable crises – because he has such a strong sense of himself to come back to.
Nesi wrote:Does it start with psyche or spiritual development?, (and I don't mean dictated by religion) I mean the kind of spiritaul development defined by the individual self....a connectedness that has a foundation of love and acceptance.
Yes! A connected sense of self is the root of spirituality. A person connected with who they are at their deepest level is connected…with their spirit. This is spirituality.