Trust issues, insecurities and paranoia :\

Postby Danni95 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:28 am

My boyfriend is 17, I am 16. We've been dating for a year until he started to go to parties with other people and get absolutely drunk. I trust him when sober, but I'm not sure about when he is drunk. I've been around him once or twice when he was a lil' tipsy, but he didnt act much different, just more social.
When I'm not there, I get very paranoid about him meeting new people. I get scared all the time that he might meet a very good looking girl with a great body and maybe get a lil' tempted and do something really stupid he would never do while sober. I have huge insecurities with myself and how I look just like a lot of girls, so that doesnt really help the situation especially when I think about it and let it get into my head (believe me, I try not to let it get that far). He's been out so many times like this, and he hasnt done anything once. He's talked to girls, met new people but never has he done anything beyond the casual handshake or with a friend (that is a girl) a simple hug. One girl seemed to hug him a lil' tighter than other girls do and this particular girl has been known to be a massive flirt around other guys without knowing it, but that was just once or twice and I did not like it one bit and it did not help the situation whatsoever.
I also have jealousy issues. He gets to go out. He has a stress relief from his family, from school whereas I have non. I have to stay home cooped up and trapped, I barely have the chance to head out with my girl friends let alone other friends because everyones is busy or I'm not invited anywhere. I get really jealous and really angry about it because I have no stress relief, I have no escape.
How can I learn to trust him with all this paranoia? I honestly don't know what to do and I hate sitting at home miserable while he's out at gatherings or parties scared of what would happen and my constant jealousy. I'm also scared he might meet someone else and gain feelings for them and forget about me...
What can I do to ease my paranoia? What can I do to gain trust to him and what can I do to get rid of this jealousy? He's never done anything to make me mistrust him, but I just don't know why I'm like this and I would really appreciate it if you helped me find a solution :)
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Postby richterbelmont » Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:23 am

Why don't you ask him if you can tag along? I'm sure he'd love to show you off, guys typically do. That right there would certainly help with your self esteem I bet.
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Postby Danni95 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:55 am

Ive hinted it, even asked if he could invite me once or twice. But with my bf, he's someone who organises things last minute. I have to know a week or at least 3 days earlier because of my parents. And he's not really organising the parties him and his mates go too so that makes it even harder. We get into fights about it a lot too. I'll tell him i feel left out, insecure about it and everything. He said he wants to show me off and if he had the chance he would but whenever he used to get the chance he'd just socialize with everyone else including me, not really say 'Hi, this is my girlfriend Danni'. I have to introduce myself. But that was a long time ago. Now the only places i go out to is with him and both of our mates on saturday nights. THere a mixture, people we met 2 years ago and are still really great mates with. We've tried. :( Well, I've tried.
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Postby Akiva » Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:07 am

Well, just because he gets drunk does not mean he is not trustworthy. Just because you have jealousy issues does not mean he IS trustworthy. I would suggest these things:

1. Build your own confidence. When confident, we tend to attract better things into our lives. More mature, more solid, more meaningful, more compatible, etc.

2. Think about whether he is just having typical teenaged fun now and then or if he is a problem drinker. This is a whole different topic if his drinking is problematic, as in, he uses it as a coping mechanism.

3. Decide how much of your jealousy stems from being insecure and how much stems from his actual level of trustworthiness or lack thereof. Realize you cannot change others if they do not choose to change. And even when they choose to, all you can really do is be supportive. Take steps to make yourself more confident, and accepting of yourself as you are, as suggested in #1. If he is not trustworthy, make a decision about that as well. If he is a problem drinker, make a decision about that for your own well-being.

Good luck to you.

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