winzer wrote:
Analyzing myself is difficult but I'll try. Some possible links:
* Distancing - It's very hard for me to form a close relationship with anyone. I'm very guarded. It's lead me to lead a very solitude life. I'm very cold and distance towards people. I have little desire to interact with someone unless I can get something out of them.
* Supressing my natural emotions, feeling numb
* Desiring a Father figure - This one is obvious. But I still desire a father-like figure to look up to and give me approval/reassurance. Even at an older age, I wish I had this.
* Jealously/Hatred - I see healthy families with natural mom and dad and I despise them. I feel cheated I hate them.
* Lack of guidance in life - I've had to figure out everything on my own.
* Low self-esteem/confidence - This effects my work and everyday social interaction.
* Contempt for my bio father, where ever he may be. Like wishing revenge for leaving and being born kind of thing.
* And naturally I want to scapegoat a lot of stuff on this but probably not applicable.
It's not pretty, but there it is. But I can't conclude if these are directly cause by me being left by my dad. Having ADHD and social anxiety may cause these or there maybe mixed effects. Idk...
But even knowing this information I don't see a path forward. These are problems that can't be solved more or less just managed emotionally?
The problem is, when you never had a healthy relationship with your father, you have never attached to him.
In a healthy attachment is safety and love, and connection. The whole list you wrote down is because of this missing attachment. And I know by my own experience, that hurts a lot.
Your heart is still longing to connect to a loving, strong, leading father.
And as a boy you need a father to come alive. Only the love of a father can wake up the little man that is inside.
It's a very hard thing for you, but it's not hopeless.
I have searched for a long time to something that could fill my own void.
I found the love of God. And in that love I have found friends and people to who I can connect and attach.
There is a lot to read,maybe it can help you.
For me an eye opening book was "absent fathers, lost sons" from Corneau.
And I would like to courage you:
Go search for God. I mean the God of the Holy Bible.
If you find Him, you will find love and peace as He is as a Father.. His love will heal your inner wounds.
And His love will guide you through your life.
I 'have searched for something I needed, but I didn't know what I was searching for. When I experienced Gods love for the first time, I knew that it was that, what I was searching for. Oh man, I can't tell you how happy and joyful it made me.
Another thing is this:
You say you are numb, but there are emotions, but maybe you don't recognise them.
Start sharing them with somebody who you trust. A counselor, friend, uncle, pastor or neighbor.
Sharing your feelings and struggles will help you a lot.