How to stop inside anger pouring out on to those you love??

Postby Daisyclose » Sun Sep 03, 2017 10:17 pm

Mental health has never been something I've thought about before but in the last 6 months emotions I've buried deep down are getting on top of me and I'm losing control each time I lose my temper it's getting worse. So I need to address it now and find help, before I push people I love away.
I'm the happiest, friendliest, calmest person and nobody can ever believe I have a temper until I get pushed to far and in a split second I just switch and I'm ruining my own life.
I need to learn how to gain control and stop acting out in that split second. It takes ALOT to push me but when I pushed I lose self control.
I lost my best friend recently through my temper. She invited guys back to my house for a party whilst my boyfriend was at work. All these guys are friends but I thought it was disrespectful her bringing them into my house. I wouldn't like to come home to a house full of drunk girls. So I give him the same respect back.
After I kicked the guys out. She started screaming in my face how selfish I was, how I don't understand how hard it is being single. This went on for 20mins of me remaining calm and taking deep breaths. Until something inside just switched she was in my face so I pushed her across the room and told her to get out. She started slamming doors and waking my neighbours so that's when I really lost it grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out by her hair.
Still to this day I find that hard talking about, that person that lashed out like that on my best friend isn't me.
Why couldn't I just walk away and go to bed? Why did I have to get violent? I'm not even a violent person? And now I've lost my best friend for attacking her and not being able to control my temper in an argument.

Same thing has happened this weekend. My partner went to watch football at 7pm and drunk drove home at 7:30am after having me up all night worried sick where he was.
I have never been so angry in my life, I'd already been up half the night crying. Then the minute he walked through the door, (with his friend too) I lost it screaming at him for drink driving. Smacked him across the face with my phone then in the argument picked up (without even realising what I was doing) a glass candle from the side which luckily missed him and has put a hole in the wall.
That right there is the worst thing I've ever done and I'm disgusted and ashamed in myself. What went through my mind to pick that candle up and throw it?
Why couldn't I walk away and deal with the situation when we'd both calmed down! I never ever want to hurt him. I love him to pieces but I was that angry at him for being so stupid, drink driving. I couldn't control myself.

I think I know what the root of my anger is but it's dealing with it. Ive never known my father and my mother is an alcoholic who was verbally abusive to the point I've completely cut her off emotionally for my own well being. This doesn't bother me it's just one of those things.
Until this year, she's been in and out of hospital and by talking to doctors it doesn't sound like she has long left to live.
A small part of me feels guilty that I should go and see her as she's my mother. But the majority of me is so angry that she could waste her life like this. In the past year I've lost two friends in their twenties no fault of their own. And she's flushed hers away after so many chances.
My nana practically raised me and she fought her illness to the very end. It broke my heart her passing away but my mums got an oppertunity at life an oppertunity to save herself but she'd rather continue to drink and end her life sooner.
My Grandads recently been sick too, in hospital with heart attacks and hes the only family I've got. I worship the ground he walks on.

So I think this is where my angers coming from. I've not spoken to anyone about my problems before as it's to embarrassing and personal (hence the long essay) but I need to find a way to deal with this anger towards my mother. And how to stop holding it inside until it explodes on to somebody else that I love and care about.
I need to learn how to walk away from situations because I'm becoming somebody I'm not and I'm going to end up pushing everyone away.
Im not looking to blame, I just want to find a way to be me again. Not this person with a disgusting temper.
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:36 am

Dear Daisy,

I’m glad you wrote in. Your problem is a classic one in regards to Anger Management – “The Sudden Wild Crazy Blow Up”. A lot of people wrack their brains trying to find deep seated Freudian Explanations, but the problem is actually Physiological and actually kind of easy to deal with once you know what is happening to your body and what to do about it.

Daisy, your problem is with Adrenaline. That is the Fight Flight hormone. You see, back in Caveman Times if a sabretooth tiger were to walk into your camp, the perceived danger and threat would cause a surge release of Adrenaline in not just you but everybody else. Those who could run away would run away like gazelles, much faster than they could ever ordinarily run because the adrenaline maximizes the nerve signals to the muscles and increases the rate of energy Metabolization. Those who are cornered and have to fight would be Wild and Berserk and their strength and agility would seem multiplied. People don’t usually ‘roar’ but people who experience a full blown Adrenaline rush can ‘roar’ and roar quite loud. And so these Primitives could respond effectively to a sabretooth tiger attack. To them Adrenaline was a kind of Magic Elixir in times of danger.

Now, of course, when you experience such full blown Adrenaline Rushes, you realize that it is way too much. Indeed, the way you described the glass candle, that you do not even remember picking it up. Well that is consistent to Adrenaline Rush Black Outs. At least you remember most of what went on. There are Stories about seemingly mild mannered office workers who have flipped out and gone on 3 or 4 minute complete office rampages – throwing office chairs through the plate glass windows, tossing telephones through the plasterboard walls, flipping over desks and pulling down filing cabinets. Coworkers running for their lives. Even Security People holding back out of fear. But then, suddenly they just stop, with a blank look on their face. After about 10 or 20 seconds the expression comes back to their eyes and they look around and say “What the ____ happened here?”. The Adrenaline was SO intense that their Response dropped totally all the way down from the Higher Cognitive Parts of the Brain down to where the Brain is just Pure Animal. And you can see how effective the Adrenaline Rush actually is, in the Purely Animal kind of way. The Big Burly Security Goons afraid to approach a little bespeckled office worker because of the sheer animal intensity being displayed.

Oh, it isn’t always bad. You have heard stories about how mothers, when a car would roll over and trap their baby, how they would roar in alarm and then just reach down and a pick up the car and throw it aside. Yes, it has happened more than once. The Mothers never remember doing it. The Adrenaline pulled them out of the Highly Evolved Human Part of their Brain and brought them down to where they could find the most purely instinctive and primal Animal Strength. Way below the Level of Cognitive Consciousness.

Anyway, you want to KNOW what you can do to STOP an Adrenaline Rush because most the time you aren’t meeting up sabretooth tigers and cars aren’t rolling up and over your babies. The Trick is to catch the Very First Physiological Hint that Adrenaline is being released. Yes, EVERYBODY describes these Anger Attacks as having been Instantaneously Sudden, but not really. The way it works is that for around 3 Seconds Adrenaline is being released on the orders of Subconscious Centers in the Brain. After those 3 Seconds you begin to Consciously understand that you are Enraged, and then people typically take another second or two to before they launch into their attacks – the time it takes to get poised before striking. Now, yes, if you let the First 3 Seconds go by, where you are not even Conscious that you are Angry, then you have little chance of being able to Control what happens. Most of the Adrenaline is already circulating and doing its Animal Energy thing. So you need to learn to Recognize the First FEELING you get from Adrenaline. Its NOT what you are Thinking. It is a Feeling you get in your Body.

THE FIRST SIGN OF AN ADRENALINE RUSH IS THAT YOU WILL CLENCH YOU TEETH… YOUR JAW MUSCLES TIGHTEN… YOU WILL CLOSE YOUR MOUTH TIGHT AND START BREATHING THROUGH YOUR NOSE. You see, the Jaw Muscles are situated between the Brain and the Adrenal Glands right next to the Artery that carries the Blood. So the Jaw Muscle is at an important crossroads and is the first body part to get the Adrenaline.

The Rest is so Easy you won’t believe it until you see it… experience it. As soon as you sense that your Jaw Muscles clench up, SIMPLY RELAX THEM. Open your mouth and take a deep breath. One lady on this Forum says that once she understood about Adrenaline she found that she CANNOT get Angry if she just keeps her mouth open. As long as she keeps breathing through her mouth she can stay calm.

I believe what is happening and that Evolution has given us an Adrenaline On/Off Switch. You know, sometimes the mangy Dog walking outside the Hut at first LOOKS LIKE a sabretooth tiger and so we began to get fired up, but just as quickly we recognize it as a Dog, and so these Primitive People probably knew from experience that all they had to do was open their mouths, breath, relax and shake it off. “It was only that stupid Dog”. But for some unexplainable reason it seems that in this Modern Day and Age that Nobody, except for a few of us here at Anger Management, know about Shutting Down an Adrenaline Rush with the Jaw Relaxation Reflex Response.

But you have to Respond to your jaws tightening Instantaneously. You can’t think about for a second because in that second a great deal of Adrenaline can be released by the Adrenal Glands. So you might have to Practice, so you know what your Jaw Tightening feels like, and so you are practiced at the Relaxation Response. When I first decided to Practice with Adrenaline I got a Pin and was going to stab it into my hand but it turns out that All You Have To Do is INTEND to stab a pin into your hand. As soon as your Body thinks that you are serious about stabbing yourself with a pin, it will release some Adrenaline and you can feel those jaw muscles clench, and THEN you need to relax. You should only take the smallest of a fraction of a second to go from Tighten to Relax. With Practice it is like you only let your jaw muscle twitch for an instant.

Oh, with continual awareness and observation you will find that your Jaw Muscles often tighten up at others times. Sometimes when I bend over to thump and kiss one of my Kitty Cats, my jaw muscles will tighten. I guess that is because my Subconscious Mind still sees Kitty Cats as potentially dangerous little Wild Animals. But that is why Evolution gave us the Turn Off Switch for Adrenaline. The Jaw Tightening is Only a Warning and we can chose to dismiss it. Also, Human Affection may be accompanied by Jaw Tightening. Again, deep down subconsciously we are aware that Affection can be accepted or rejected. In evolutionary terms, expressing your affection in a seriously evolutionary way always carried some risks, both for the male and the female. Again, we can see the Jaw Tightening as a warning and dismiss it.

So, that was the easy part. But there is More to Anger Management than that. But knowing about the Adrenaline Thing will be able to keep you out of most the trouble you get into because of Anger. Still, you should get a couple of books (my favorite Anger Management Author is Ronald Potter-Efron who has written a number of good Anger Management Self Help books but also has authored big fat College textbooks on the subject. Read the Reviews to find the ones you think will suit you best). Most Modern Therapies for Anger Management involve Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive Behavior Therapy doesn’t care WHY you do things, that is, dredging up all your childhood traumas and all of that. CBT just looks at your patterns of habitual thinking and your patterns of habitual behavior. The premise is that Chronically Angry People have bad habits in regards to how they Think about things, and bad habits about how they behave. Eliminate the Bad Habits and there is nothing keeping you from being Wise and Noble, or at least looking that way.

Take your own story of the long night waiting for your partner as an example of bad habitual thinking. As you said, you spent the whole night worrying yourself into a frazzle. Really, you were working yourself up for a fight. You know, you had ALL THAT TIME where you could have planned for the PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE, and apparently you just wasted it with directionless anxiety and negative fretting. Now, yes, of course you had every reason in the World to GO NEGATIVE on that clown. But you could have been Arch and Cold – a Lady with an Imposing Demeanor and a Forbidding Gravitas. You would not have had to say a word. Just looking at you would express everything. Well, that is if you can afford to lose him. If you NEED the relationship and are afraid of scarring him away, then you could have Planned to say “Honey you are so naughty… you know you should have given me a call. And next time DO take a cab when you are drunk. You know that is what we keep the money under the brick for”. You see, you had all night figure out your Best Play. With some Experience with Anger Management you will learn to take charge of your thinking. There is Useful Productive Thinking and just Negative Mental Noise. You need to recognize the Negative Mental Noise and switch back to Useful Productive Thinking.
Then with CBT insights you will learn to observe your habitual behaviors. One method is to see what it is in other people that irritates you, and then observe whether you ever DO the same thing. If you DO, then you need to learn to DON’T.

Oh, one last Tip. A lot of People fire themselves up by using Foul Language. They should do studies on Foul Language and Anger. I believe it is almost NECESSARY to Think in terms of Foul Language in order to Pump Yourself Up for a Fight and we all know that during an Anger Episode it is common to fire off foul Language. Indeed, in most Employment Situations, they can’t write you up or fire you for being “Angry” because it is difficult to objectively pin point exactly what anger is. So companies have policies against foul and threatening language, which in practical terms is the Same as Anger. If you Cuss and Swear, then they Got you. So, Every Chronically Angry Person has to give up the pleasure of cussing and swearing. Thinking in terms of cuss words is what Fires you up for a Fight, so don’t even think about it. You need to mentally replace cuss words with words that carry less emotional charge. And if you start cussing and swearing out loud, that is a sign already that you probably failed to notice that adrenaline was clenching your teeth. Notice that a lot of time people mutter cuss words through their clenched teeth. So, yes, remember to be a perfect lady and no more swearing.

Well, that should be enough to keep you out of jail and to get you started on being reliably cool and calm. Let me know what you think, okay?
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#2

Postby Daisyclose » Mon Sep 04, 2017 7:37 am

Thank you so much for your reply! A lot of it makes sense and I understand it completely! I think this is going to help me a lot, thank you!
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Sep 04, 2017 10:05 am

Daisyclose wrote:Thank you so much for your reply! A lot of it makes sense and I understand it completely! I think this is going to help me a lot, thank you!


Oh, check back in every once in a while, particularly if any of my Adrenaline advice works, or if you have unique insights. As I said, not many people Know about this technique for Adrenaline Control. If we find we have a lot of people vouching for it, then maybe some Real Psychologists would become intrigued and actually design a formal study. So you could actually be contributing to a New Frontier in Anger Management Protocols. Cool, huh?
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#4

Postby Daisyclose » Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:58 am

I want to you thank you so so so so much for your advice.
Unfortunately on Tuesday my mother took very very sick and we had to go to the hospital. Where the consultant told me that she's been having numerous blood transplants and is bleeding internally but my step dad is still continuing to buy her drink.
He told me so many things that they'd been keeping from me and my step dad couldn't even look me in the eye.

In that moment the consultant walked off and I saw his embarrassed head hanging in shame, I felt all of the anger and rage that we have spoken about previously.
I recognised all of the signs of the adrenaline coming so I calmly controlled it and ran out of the hospital to calm myself down alone.

As I left the ward to calm myself, my mother took very very unwell and instantly passed away whilst I was gone.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out to talk to me and explain how to control my anger. Cause if it wasn't for you, I would of been causing a scene and screaming at my step dad whilst she died. Thanks to you and your advise she passed with no family drama at her bedside and by the time I'd returned I had fully calmed down and could be respectful thanks to everything we spoke about.

Thank you!
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#5

Postby Leo Volont » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:00 am

Daisyclose wrote:I want to you thank you so so so so much for your advice.
Unfortunately on Tuesday my mother took very very sick and we had to go to the hospital. Where the consultant told me that she's been having numerous blood transplants and is bleeding internally but my step dad is still continuing to buy her drink.
He told me so many things that they'd been keeping from me and my step dad couldn't even look me in the eye.

In that moment the consultant walked off and I saw his embarrassed head hanging in shame, I felt all of the anger and rage that we have spoken about previously.
I recognised all of the signs of the adrenaline coming so I calmly controlled it and ran out of the hospital to calm myself down alone.

As I left the ward to calm myself, my mother took very very unwell and instantly passed away whilst I was gone.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out to talk to me and explain how to control my anger. Cause if it wasn't for you, I would of been causing a scene and screaming at my step dad whilst she died. Thanks to you and your advise she passed with no family drama at her bedside and by the time I'd returned I had fully calmed down and could be respectful thanks to everything we spoke about.

Thank you!


Oh my God, Daisy, I guess now I know why I was meant to make Anger Management Forum a part of my life these last several years. I was often wondering what I was doing it for. Now I know.

but it is a miracle at the same time -- that you picked the right time to write in, and that I had developed my 'spiel' about Adrenaline to a fine pitch and didn't focus on some other angle. Oh, and there is no understating that you LISTENED to the Angel of your Better Nature, and took the Advise instead of indulging in a habitual tantrum. Many people would have.

I have tears in my eyes! Yes, it would have haunted you Forever sending your dear Mother off to the Other Side with yelling and screaming echoing throughout the boundaries of her Soul.

Oh, what's wrong with me!? I am so sorry about your Mother's Passing. They say that when a person dies, that their Life comes into perspective -- that their Life passes before their Eyes and that they see beyond their previously narrow personal View and instead Comprehend the Larger Meaning of it All. So we can believe that She ascended with both a compassionate understanding for her own sufferings also for your anxiety and concerns for her. She is at peace.

God Bless you and your family.
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#6

Postby Candid » Sun Sep 17, 2017 5:15 am

Daisyclose wrote:in the last 6 months emotions I've buried deep down are getting on top of me and I'm losing control each time I lose my temper it's getting worse. So I need to address it now and find help...


Yes. You need to talk to someone who can acknowledge these emotions as legitimate, then you will be free of them. If you can't access a counsellor of some kind, you can call a helpline such as the Samaritans or Lifeline. The volunteers there are trained to listen to people, and may be able to point you to a group where people with similar life histories get together.
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