by Dandysam123 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:37 pm
Day 18, personal struggles are hard to deal with sober....
So I have been a general positive wave and have not been overthinking my life like I had and generally just doing well. But unfortunately the past few days have been rather depressing and angry. My very close friend who I've constantly wondered how I feel towards her, as in whether I like her more than just a friend, I'm more than certain I do though. It's hard as we tried a to be together a few months ago but both of us were in the complete wrong head space. She was getting over a long term ex whereas I had been dealing with low libido, drug addiction and mental health. So yeah it didn't work but I couldn't get over it due to the fact I was certain it was the wrong time.
Fast forward to the past week and we've been getting incredibly close, on nights out she'd be drunk chatting sh** about missing me a lot lately and being rather touchy. Of course I'm sober during this so I don't have that drunk chat sh** mentality and I wasn't going to take advantage of her because that's just creepy sober. But Monday evening she was really wasted and asked me to sleep round, after we ended things ages ago we had slept together (not had sex) a few times so I didn't really overthink this and the night was normal, just put her to bed with some water and that was it. Over the course of her sleeping she was all over me, as in wrapped around me etc... That's when I thought maybe subconsciously she was into me, but again it was something I didn't want to overthink. In the morning when we were both awake the cuddling and closeness continued and we had a lovely day together, never overstepped the boundary of kissing etc but there was definitely something happening between us.
She had a date planned the next night and went to it, this annoyed me but it's not like we talked about anything and she is just my friends. I also wasn't too concerned because she isn't the type to have a one night stand. Still though I couldn't sleep, I'm not sure if it was because of her going on a date or because I started to think A LOT. I specifically was thinking about my future and what makes me happy, I came to the conclusion one of the things that makes me most happy is HER. I thought that in a relationship or not I need to be with her, but overall I think that I needed her as my girlfriend. I finally slept and woke up feeling good that I'd come to this conclusion and that I was going to tell her, I had to get it off my chest and express how I felt, if I get turned down I can move on.
So I saw her the next day, she was hungover and when I asked about how her date was she was incredibly vague. Although she highlighted they probably wouldn't meet again. So I didn't think too much of it, but I then asked if he stayed round randomly, HE DID! As soon as she told me I left the library, it was mad as we were having a lovely day as usual, then she tells me this and I switch. I'm annoyed because I'm her friend I shouldn't be like this but of course I cannot help how I feel. Fortunately I had counselling in that hour so I could express myself and calm down there, without that I would have got f***ed and not spoken to her for ages, that would have been so dumb! From the counselling I thought of a rationale way to speak to her. Of course I had to apologise how unfair I was as she is just my friend. I just felt like she cheated on me! and she said she felt like she had cheated on me and while having sex with him all she could think about was me. So long story kinda short, from that night she came to the conclusion she loves me, positive outcome I suppose, even though I feel betrayed as ****. But even though I'm not in the right place for everything we have thought to consider how we feel for each other, this has made me happy but is certainly occupying my mind far too much and I wanna take drugs because I'm really confused.
So a restless sleep and a confusing wake up. Speak with her today and we planned to watch the football with each other. I had invited a friend who knew the entire situation, told her and she panicked and bailed, now she is like i think we should have our distance. Like it is mad how she is changing her mind so quickly, she is obviously confused but we are so close friends, this f***ing distance is stupid. Ignoring everything that has happened in the past few days and considering this month I have been going through I still need her as my friend and no she wants distance. Such a head **** and wow I wanna f***ing take drugs so hard right now, so confused. Gunna have to speak with her later.
This is generally a huge vent , another test of emotions and a test if I will use. The struggle is real but I have to power on. But to be honest I was so good until all this sh** happened and now I feel awful. This positivity I've focused on is hard to see now. SUCKS