Today i'm at exactly 9 and a half months. My situation is similar to mike's: i'm fine, but not normal.
For me the first 6 months were dreadful and then it got easier.
Now i have my good days and bad ones. A bad day, like today, my anxiety rises like a monster and depression along with it, with the same thoughts: i'm not getting better, this is never going to end. Lots of irrational and obsesive thoughts. After a while it passes and i feel a bit better.
When i'm fine, i mean that i have a little anxiety that is manageable (it may go up and down through the day, but is bearable), i can focus, i can even make jokes, i can have conversations. But there is this slight depression that is hovering around: i feel only negative things, i can't feel emotions, i don't take pleasure in anything, i don't have a sex drive. I am flat like a wooden board emotionaly speaking.
Don't get me wrong, i am waay better than when i started, but i'm not right yet. I feel like i am close to what i want to be, it's like a glass wall that is in front of me and i can't break it to get to the real me.
This is not me. My connections with everything is severed since i've quit. I need to feel those things: that deep love for my bf, motivation and ambition towards my carrier, my connection with my mother, my friends.
I have moments when i feel those things and those moments are the ones that give me hope and strenght. Imagine i had almost a whole month in february (7th month) when i really felt i'm gettong better day by day: i felt positive energy flowing through me, my sex drive was coming up (and it was such a relief), my eyes were glowing, my mind was slowly setteling down. It was amazing.
I hate that weed stole this from me, but i am not gonna stop until i get them back. I am going forward no matter how i feel because i know the old me is there, somewhere, the same with my feelings and i'm stubborn like a mule . When i get desperate i come here to read peoples stories and this gets me down to earth
