ready to give up giving up !

[Anxious_mary_420]

Hi guys, Cali-Detroit dhey and Helenadoc.sorry I haven't posted I've been away for a few days with my family. Helenadoc.sorry your feeling so bad right now, I think all that cali wrote is very true and great advice. I can totally understand what your saying. Sometimes I think is this PAWS or me, I never feel very happy with anything (except my family) I'm not mad about my job, we need to move at some point this year and I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to even work out where too and when I think about for example changing my job the anxiety kicks in telling me to stay where I am because it's good enough and I'm to nervous to try something els ! Also like cali said I don't even remember who I was b4 smoking I was 21 when I started now I'm 45 I have no clue how I felt all those years ago so I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get back to ! It's been 9 weeks for me now and I do feel better than I did but I don't feel good.
I hope you all start to feel better soon, hang in there all of you xx

[Bagobones]

I truly have a very hard time remembering who I was. It's just whispers and shadows of a person who may or may not have existed at one point in time. It is in this that you can see just how powerful this drug can be. For me, this abstract concept kind of inspires me, as I truly will be seeing a "new" person that I had long forgotten about.

Also like cali said I don't even remember who I was b4 smoking I was 21 when I started now I'm 45 I have no clue how I felt all those years ago so I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get back to !

Nr 2 is what I was before these 6 months. I was heavy intoxicated for 21 years. And before that I smoked too much from I was like 15 - 16, but not every day. I don´t know what my "base line" is, or what becoming 100% is. 15 year olds are kids. 21 year olds are kids for us over 40.. I was a kid when I became a chronic stoner, it was a long time ago and i don´t really remember. Maybe I always was a bit unfocused. Ill have to ask my dad about that..

Ah, the happy 40 somethings.. hehe..

That last quote was an answer to a very struggling, and now very mentally strong and very normal cleanofgreen from me.

Thats a trippy one for sure! I remember that little straight spoilt brat very well now. And I know what my baseline is. its a grown up viser version of that spoilt little brat.. He is back with a vengance. hehe. Those memories comes back, like flashes in the beginning..

Super unimportant stuff, but I noticed suddently I showered in the mornings. I was a night shower dude forever. Suddenly i remembered:

Teenage me - Get out of bed. Run into the shower being really hungry. Showering while daydreaming about breakfast and tripping about last nights dreams...

That was me since I was really a kid. Like from kindergarden almost..

Stoner me - waking up, crawling to the espresso machine while feeling like sh**, grabbing the rest of last nights fat "sleep" joint I never finished and booting my mac while the coffee was being done. Roll a joint and drink coffee while raging at the morning news... A couple of coffees and a few joints, and I had enough energy (dopamine) that I could zombie myself out the door...

Bagobones 2.0, 2018 - Wake up hungry, roll to the left until I fall down on my yogamat on the floor. Do my ashtanga yoga routine that always starts with appreciation. Sun Salutation. Greeting the morning. Then running sweaty into the shower daydreaming about my breakfast, while tripping on last nights dreams..

Raging at the morning news is swapped with making Miss T laugh on Viber. Making that woman laugh so she almost pees herself is the best morning high ever. Truly a free antidepressant. I loved that when I was a teen too. Back then it was a nabour girl i biked with to school, the superblond little giggly teenage scani girl Kristin.. How could I have ever swapped out those highs with raging at the news while smoking weed is beond me....

[Cali-Detroit]

Hi Bones,

Wow that's crazy, so those old memories really come back? I assumed my life would be defined by the present moment, and infact it was a point of pride at one point, if only to cover up the fact that trying to form lasting memories while constantly high is, uh, difficult to impossible. How long for you now?

PS...you actually had part of a joint left over in the morning? If I rolled it...ok, them, as in two, I smoked them down to burnt fingertips status..lol. might be part of problem, now it's the bag of chips though

[Cali-Detroit]

Mary, I'm supposed to be moving the family to a new city in the next few months, and it's the last thing I want to do right now. My daughter is starting school, which is also stressful. I picked the worst possible time to abandon my only form of relief. Keep telling myself it'll make me stronger, and it's all worth it. Having trouble believing that though

[Anxious_mary_420]

Bagobones.your reply made me laugh out loud !! It's good to know that one day soon I might remember me at 21!!Although I'm sceptical . Thanks for your reply. Stay strong mate your doing great x

[Anxious_mary_420]

Cali....I totally get what you mean I feel the same way...life keeps throwing stress at us before we have recovered enough to deal with it so having a joint seems like the best option but I'm convinced it's only the easy option and the best one is to keep pushing on. Thing is we've come so gar now, over 9 weeks for both of us so turning back is just messed up. I can't bear the thought of doing this all over again from day 1. Let's keep fighting our way through this until we both come out the other side. Don't know how I would cope without this forum. You and all the others have been such a massive help for me. My husband keeps moaning at me for being on my phone when he wants to watch something on t.v with me and I just say" I'm taking to my friends from around the world" ...he thinks I'm crazy..maybe he had a point !! Talk soon xx

[Cali-Detroit]

Haha no your not crazy at all. People who don't know, just don't know, lbottom line. It's help me too and all of us. It's one of the very few positive uses of the internet I can think of honestly.

I'm with you, too far now to just start over again, not only in the recovery, but in life. I admire your tenacity, it's inspiring. I know how hard it is, and add the family aspect to it, along with all the normal life shyte.

Today is 2 months on the nose! 4/4/18 was the start day for me, so I suppose I'm feeling almost a little...hmmm.... something, some sort of feeling I think, hard to say. but seems to be in the positive neighborhood of emotions.

Stay up and keep pushing...dare I say it seems to be inching towards "better"? Could be...

[reckoning]

Hi everyone, enjoyed this dip into ' who am I' , will I ever get myself back?

Almost five and half months in this quit, and it's not so much about getting my old self back but really becoming who I am happy to be. it's all in the energy and in what I am prepared to pursue now and I am doing it heaps better than ever before. You paint a very vivid picture @ bagofbones and it made me laugh too.

I see now, that I am finding the person I want to be, and this has been a real surprise which I had not fully appreciated at the start of this quit. My early self was a problematic self because she was a survivor and I had some strong tactics to be able to keep going on in this world. A survivor of a crazy filled and completely unnourishing childhood development. Some of those tactics were good but pretty over the top too and of course some of them meant I ended up at 35 really starting to rely on pot smoking. I am 62 now.

I was always stressed when smoking, that's kind of why I had to keep going, to take the stress away and so the addiction cycle just kept going on and on. Without weed I do a range of things that remind me that I don't have to 'suffer' this amazing life that I have.

So everyday , now without weed, I reposition my self in relation to the world, sometimes it's yoga, sometimes a positive podcast, sometimes it's writing here and I do the gratitude thing and then it's like the mist lifts and I do see who I am . But this didn't happen overnight. As I say I am five and a bit months in and this realisation of what I am doing is just kicking in over the past few weeks.

Keep going folks it definitely keeps getting better. Learning how to push through tough times has been really helpful and makes me less anxious about all kinds of things. I actually am glad not to be the young person I was back then , because I really like who I am becoming now and that has always been my quest in life - to like myself and without weed I am starting to get there. This is such a big plus. It's worth it to find the non suffering life. It makes a lot of things easier and anin't that such an irony. Well I find it so after all those years of thinking that weed made life easier to deal with.

[Bagobones]

How long for you now?

2 years in the end of August.. Ill torture you detoxing people for 2 more months with my ramblings, then I am full circle and out of here, never to be heard from again on this forum... Then I have used this forum to help myself getting clean, and hopefully spread some smiles to the struggling people of 2018...

[Bagobones]

Bagobones.your reply made me laugh out loud !!

Anxious_mary_420, sorry for the loooooong wall of text. And sorry for dumping it in your thread here. Anyways my answer starts below:

Then writing my answer was very worth it. Knowing that makes me happy and made me smile. Laughing is superb! If I am making an aussie, a brit and a californian giggle and smile a bit with my lunatic stories, then my goal is reached. Then Ive given you guys a couple of seconds of relieve.. hehe. And if my small stories is something that gives you a little endorphines, then ill happily write you another one:

Last weekend I went to Mordor! Not really Mordor, but the Aussies and Californians there calls it Mordor. It was an absolutely amazing trip to the Lofoten islands with my yoga teacher and my surfboard. Just getting there by plane is quite the adventure.

But the important thing I like to share about that trip, and the journey that led to that trip started in August 2016, when I broke up with Mary Jane. When I was in a really dark place. When I had lost myself. When I questioned everything, and had forgot what laughter and smiling was.

Its the story of how I started with Ashtanga yoga. I wrote this to another user here in a private message, but ill share it with you too. I met my good friend and business partner Miki while high on MDMA, shrooms and Thai-Stix on Leela beach, Ko Pha-ngan in 1995. She has been my friend ever since. And I take her advices very seriously. And yes, my foreigner friends and family calls me morty.

♥♥♥
Ashtanga yoga is for physical strength. Its a very hard form of yoga. I used a friend/business partner in Tokyo as a shoulder to cry on when I had it rough before and after I quit. I needed a no bs woman to straighten me up, so Miki fitted the bill perfectly.

"Morty-san, you look like sh** and are crying like a baby! You are a walking skeleton. Skinn and bones! Get a grip! No woman wants a man like that. Women wants a guy like Adam Levine. Not a man they need to be a mom to. He does Ashtanga Yoga like me. That will make you sexy and toughen you up!"

Thats pretty much exactly what she said to me. hehe. I was like ashta what? Adam who?? What the f*ck are you talking about Miki? The next day I got a message with the adress of an Asthanga Yoga teacher in MY nabourhood in Oslo. Miki had found a teacher for me.. hehe. Crazy Shibuya samurai woman. The message said, if you dont go and if you dont stop crying like a baby, I will not talk to you anymore.. So the next day I went, and now I have a new friend, Sigrid the asthanga yoga teacher. She is amazing. Sometime you have to go through Tokyo to get a new friend two blocks away... Bizarr.. hehehe..
♥♥♥

So that was the start of an adventure and a period of my life that keeps being one of the best periods I have had. My darkest hour was the start of a beautiful friendship, love, lots of adventure, great health and a confirmation of how lucky I am with my old friends that stuck with me during my darkest hours. I love Miki-san so so so sooooooooo much. I am so greatful that she wants me in her life...

The seeds you are planting now can grow into such big beautiful plants and flowers. Even though the garden is just brown earth, stones, rain, hard work and something that leaves you with a sore back, frustration, pain and sore fingers, before you know it, its a big beautiful lush garden. All you have to do is keep digging, keep watering, keep your hearts open and and keep believing...

[Anxious_mary_420]

Cali-detroit...my guess is you are feeling a little PROUD of yourself and so you should you have every reason to feel proud. As do I, we are suffering albeit self inflicted and yet we are still pushing on and not taking the quick fix....here's to another 2 months sober and many more after that...xxx

[Anxious_mary_420]

Reckoning....Thank you for sharing that, i like you had a problematic and somewhat unhappy/lonely childhood but like you say it gave me some of the tools that I still use today and if nothing els helped me to build resilience which in turn is helping me to continue on with this struggle that we are all going through now ! I too was always stressed when I smoked and agree completely this just continues the addiction cycle. Glad to know there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's great to hear that you like who you are now becoming. I hint you have done amazingly well..keep it up xx

[Anxious_mary_420]

Bagobones..I love your stories and think when your journey is over you should write a book...Bagobones quit journal !! Your friend sounds like an awesome character and has obviously been a great help to you. I have tried yoga but if I'm honest I suck at it although I do enjoy the feeling of being relaxed. My problem is there are no beginners classes near me so I put it up on you tube on the television and then found that I was so busy watching it that I couldn't actually relax and breath properly as I always had my head turned towards the screen !!
Amazing to know that you are almost 2 years sober and that you are enjoying life to the full although it will be our loss when you stop posting in a few months but totally understandable. I wish you all the luck in the world. You've done it and now inspire others to follow plus give us all a laugh on the way. Thank you xx

[Bagobones]

Mary, I'm supposed to be moving the family to a new city in the next few months, and it's the last thing I want to do right now. My daughter is starting school, which is also stressful. I picked the worst possible time to abandon my only form of relief. Keep telling myself it'll make me stronger, and it's all worth it. Having trouble believing that though

Sorry to hear that. Moving is a stressful thing.

Nah, I think you picked the perfect time. School is a magical time. My oldest daughter was about 8 when I realised she was so much smarter than me. hehe. She still is. My theory is that they get alot smarter around 7. You are going to need the extra IQ going foreward now hehe... I became a dad very early, so mine has left the nest a long time ago now. Like their old man did... hehe

I had 3 kids when I was at my youngest age..

[Bagobones]

Bagobones..I love your stories and think when your journey is over you should write a book...Bagobones quit journal !!

I have tried yoga but if I'm honest I suck at it although I do enjoy the feeling of being relaxed. My problem is there are no beginners classes near me so I put it up on you tube on the television and then found that I was so busy watching it that I couldn't actually relax and breath properly as I always had my head turned towards the screen !!

Thank you xx

hehe, no I think that will be the end of my writing career.. good title though..

I know I preach yoga, like an annoying vegan. hehe. The important thing is that your training a litte bit during this time. What ever it is get sweaty and your puls up a few times a week. All the doctors on the planet agrees..

What type of yoga are you wanting to learn? Or what do you want to accomplish? Flexability? strength? I did Ashtanga because I was skinny and weak.

Concentrate on "sun salutation A" first. 10 sun salutation pr session. Time, research and practice is what it takes. Perfect is not important. Time on the mat is. I really love this video.

During my beginning my teacher had me just do the first standing positions over and over. Or the 2 first minutes of the video. Then she skipped to minute 4 of the video and the rest. I think our 3. session with her I was doing the whole sun salutation A.
When you got A down by heart, start with B. same there. break it down. a few of the moves at the time...

And thank you for sharing too. Your words and experiences are very valueble and inspiring too!