Hi. Uhm i don't even know how to start this...it's embarassing, but i need some advice. It's gonna be a long post, i'm apologizing in advance for that, but i need to tell the whole story for better understanding. I may be chaotic in my storytelling, but i need to get it out because i need a solution in the matter. So here it goes...
I'm 23 years old and a student. I met my boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago and our love story is like a fairytale. We met at his workplace, we started talking and in no time we clicked. I've been in love before i met him, but it was nothing compared to what i felt with him. My world shifted and i thought this is it. He's the one. He is loving and carring, extremely intelligent, treats me well. I couldn't ask for anyting more. Our connection was so strong, that we felt each other even if we were miles appart. I even started to think what have i done in this life to deserve such a man. I litteraly can't explain in words what was like being with him. We did everything together, our souls were twirled with one another, you could see from a mile that we were madly in love and made for eachother.. I know it sounds corny, but that's what it was.
When we met, we were both weed smokers, which made things so much better. We would smoke and have sex, and go out, and living the life. He was a daily smoker, i was a daily smoker for about 6 months before meeting him, and casual for 2 years before that. At about 8 months in our relationship, we were on vacation and we had a chance to take an X pill. He had experienced several drugs during college, so he knew the drill. It was about 3 years since he hadn't take one, and i was curious to see what was it like (i was prone to experience and using drugs at that time). We split it in half and it was an amazing experience, like it opened a whole new world, keeping the thought in mind that it was a chemical lie. After that we did this for about a year, once every 3 months. I didn't get addicted or anything, i was just using from time to time to have a blast. After every using, i took my time to recover, i didn't crave it, nothing like that. It was just for fun. But X wasn't the problem.
I decided to stop weed last summer, and i did. I'm clean ever since. But hell unleashed upon me.
I decided to stop because i started to notice that i'm becoming very lazy, my memory was starting to such, i was tired all the time, i had a conflict with my mother about it. So i weighted things and i said "Stop! No more!". I went through the toughest period of my life: withdrawal. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, felt nauseaus all the time, minimal aches and pains throughout my body. After that came the depression and anxiety that comes with PAWS. It was horrible.
The main problems in this was the psychological one. I started questioning everything about myself, my school, my bf, my life. I was lost in a sea of wondering and uncertainty that killed me second by second. Day by day, month by month, things got better and better. I stopped ruminating eventualy, depression and anxiety subsided. I can't say that i'm 100% back, but i am much better that last year this time.
With these psychological issues came anhedonia, lack of motivation for anything. But the thing that was killing me most, was the lost of love for my bf. When the withdrawal started, i noticed i didn't feel anything about anything. I was bawling my eyes out in my bf arms telling him that i don't know what is happening, that i don't feel him at all, all that connection that i was speaking about was cut. Suddenly i was in this dark place when i didn't know how my life was going to be if i couldn't feel anything. I didn't understand why it was happening, why i was so depressed and anxious. My libido was below zero, which was another thing that scared me. I was a sexual person, it mattered to me to be able to have sex and feel good. I felt nothing.
I started surfing the internet and found different forums, until i found this one and helped me a bit. Although i feel better, the thought of ruining my life and never going to recover is still lingering.
Over the time i had times when i felt emotions for my bf again, but they were never long enough. About 6 months in my quitting i had 1 month when i started to feel normal again. Of course it went away and hell was back. That is when i discovered what PAWS was and i felt a bit of relief. But still, not feeling love and connection towards my boyfriend killed me. Now, almost 1 year clean, i'm starting to feel again that connection, but as soon as i realise it, it goes away. I had a few times when it lasted even if i noticed it, but not for long. So i'm hoping that it will come, little by little, as i recover myself from 2-3 years of smoking.
So, as you can imagine, i started to think about things. At first i questioned "i loved my boyfriend because of weed, or because i genuinely loved him?", "was i using him to get my drug?", "am i an egoistical selfish B ?". I seeked help, talked to a psychiatrist. She wanted to put me on medication to overcome withdrawal, but i refused. So she talked to me, and told me that every addiction has a root, there is a reason. I started searching in my mind and memories what could make me feel like sh**....and i didn't find anything. I had a lovely childhood, I was never traumatised by anything, i smoked weed because i liked it. There was no reason, depression or anxiety or anything for that matter. I liked my life, i studied, i had relashionships before my bf, when i was smoking, but they weren't anything like what i had with him. I was never depressed (i had my ups and downs like everybody else, but nothing serious), never anxious, never had a panick attack before i stoped smoking weed. The psychiatrist told me that maybe it was just the weed addiction, that some people don't have a reason to smoke, they just do it for fun until it turns to habit. And the loss of it is making me like this.
Anyway, my boyfriend supported me all this time. He gave up smoking too and didn't have any side effects like i did. He was normal and i was going to heel and back. He stopped smoking 6 month and then started again because he doesn't have a problem with it and does it from time to time. At first i was upset with him for doing it, but in time i let it go.
Now..the embarassing thing. At the begining of our relationship we made a deal to be honest about everything, even if it's awkward or painfull or whatever. To talk about everything in order to build a rock solid relation. So, 10 months in out relationship, we were doing X one night and started playing and then things got kinky. It was all fun and good, and then my bf tells me that he sometimes he likes to dress as a woman. We started talking about it, i was open to find out what it was about. So i started asking questions and everything. He told me that it was a fantasy, a fetish, he's doing it for years. he doesn't want to be a woman or anything, it's just a thing he likes. So i didn't know how to react to this, i was confused, but then i told him to show me. A part of me cringed, but another said "ok, let's try it". So he started to open up about it and after that told another thing, that beside this he has another fetish with penises. That he likes to suck it. And that's where i panicked. I said oh my god you're gay. And he said no. He doesn't like men, doesn't want to **** or anything, just suck. That is something to do with the dick and sperm. That he doesn't see a relationship between two men normal, he wouldn't go on the street holding hands with one, nothing like that. Told me that he did it once, in college and that was that. If he would do it, would suck it and then leave, no talk no nothing.
He explained that these are just fantasies, sex things that he likes from time to time, he likes to have sex with me and that he likes women, not men. That he is not gay or anything. At that time it was a bit hard to process all these thing, but i kinda dealt with it. I even used to tease him about it, and have sex talks about this and playing with things like this. At that time it wasn't a problem, we continued our relationship happy and in love and everything was good.
After i stopped smoking, after 7-8 months, these things started to bug me. I started to ruminate about it every single moment. It obsessed me. Thinking about it made me cringe so bad, that i started to tell him that i was thinking about it and started talking. I expained him that i don't know hy these things came to me all of a sudden, when i knew them for a while now and they didn't bugged me at that time. I started seeing a psychologist and talked about it. After the session when i told her these things, those thoughts of cringe, obsession and everything, stopped. It was a relief.
Now, there is a big problem between us. His drug use. He still like to take X and other stimulants from time to time. But mostly X. He does it from time to time, 2-3 months appart. And it gets on my nerves. I hate that he is doing it. I'm getting very furious when he tells me he wants to do it. There are some thing that bug me about this, and it is a paradox in my mind: i did it before, with him,so why it bugs me?? i know that he gets oppened to his fetishes when he's doing it, so that one thing. i'm afraid that he is going to feel sick or something because he needs a larger dose than most people, and i get scared. I may hate it because now it's a thing that i can't do anymore, because i am afraid of panick attack, depression and other stuff. I want him to stop, like i did, but he says i a thing he likes, that it's not a problem because he does not do it often. He never did anything to break my trust in him, but i'm paranoid that when he does this he will cal a guy over and do sh**, or things like that. The week i stopped smoking, i was at my mothers house and i new he was doing crack at home. When i came back, i had a day of feeling normal, without withdrawal and he told me what he did those days. He showed me an acount on a site with people with these fetishes and showed me what he talked with them. He didn't do anything, just talked. I got so mad when i saw he called one guy in a conversation "love", the thing that calls me. He said that it was just a word, that facts and actions matter. He saw my reactions and fury and he closed all accounts in front of me, to prove me that he is with me, that that was just a fantasy and if it buggs me that much he would stop doing it.
I'm feeling very guilty because what we had changed, because i changed. I am terrified that i'm going to lose him. Last night we talked about it, and i couldn't stop crying. And he told me what i couldn't say "you are afraid that this is a thing that bugs you so much, that you can't cope with it, and it will tear us apart, am i right?". And yes, this is a truth.
I don't know how to explain this, i love him so much. The thought of break-up cuts my breath, and it tears me to pieces. He has that part of good man in him, that every woman wants...and that part of fetishes that don't make sense to me.
I can't make him choose me or having a good time every now and then. I don't stay at home when he does it because i don't like seeing him that way, hazy, happy, vibrating with energy from X. But i get very paranoid and upset, although he did everything to earn my trust.
I am afraid that i changed so much, that i don't even know me or him anymore. I lost my old self and i feel that i am losing the love of my life for things that i can't understand and cope with them. I want to be able to cope with this. He was straight with me from the beggining. He never lied, he told me who he was from the very start. He wants to do it from time to time. And i want to be able to be with him when he does it. I can't have a relationship where i have to be elsewhere 3 day every month or two. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts??
I'm so sorry for the long post, and i am super embarassed by what i wrote, but i don't know what to do. I want to make this work. If anyone has a situation similar to mine, or any advice feel free to comment.