Hello everyone! 10th of July marked my one year free milestone.
A quick review about my use and withdrawal: i smoked for 2-3 years, aprox. 1gram every day with little breaks here and there. I decided to quit last summer because it was interfering with my memory (which i need most), i became awfully lazy doing only the things that needed to be done, i became isolated and so on. Despite all of this i was functioning normal, doing good in school, reacting almost normal to events that were happening in my life. Anyway, i wanted to quit, to live my life without weed, so i did. And i never relapsed.
The acute withdrawal took about 3 days to kick in and lasted 2 months from what i can remember. Loss of appetite, nausea, i even threw up several times, incontrolable tremors, sweating mostly during the day, hot flashes, tachycardia. I lost 5 kg in that time. After they started to vanish, PAWS came along, and that's when sh** came down. Depression, anxiety, anhedonia, dp/dr, all the package. You can read my old posts if you want a more detailed insight.
Now, i can't say that i'm not better than when i started. I would lie. I can sleep, although the dreams are killing me, i eat like a normal person, i can have conversation, i laugh sometimes. But it's not enough. Honestly i didn't even wanted to post this 1 year "aniversary". I had my good days, but mostly there are bad days. I'm still anxious, i react to stress badly, i can't control my state of mind. Sometimes i can, but is very hard. There has been a progress, i can't deny that. But it is very very slow. I sometimes feel that connection to my feelings, to the world, to my bf, but it vanishes really quickly. It's still a plus, a few months ago i never felt that.
I had a really good time in June, but then a problem came along and put a massive cloud over my head. So now i'm asking myself if this is paws or the problem itself. I'm feeling my muscles tense again and my mind racing.
So yeah, long story short, i am not okay yet. I'm sorry that this is not a happy post, but it is what it is. I'm angry at myself and i think i'm starting to lose hope that this is it. This is the best i'm going to feel.
Maybe it's gonna take 2 years, i don't know. But what i do know is that i'm not gonna smoke ever again. Even if this is how my life is going to be, i'm not gonna smoke.
I entered my last summer vacation. So i want to enjoy it as much as i can. I don't know how i'm gonna do that, but i'll try. I want to start hit the gym. I have all this free time now and i must keep my mind ocupied, although i get really really tired. I hope i'll get my old self back. Maybe a better version of myself.
I hope you are doing good my friends dhae, anxiousMary and everyone here on this forum. It was a blessing to find it. I read the succes stories of other people and they do help my spirit, but sometimes they don't. I hope i'll be a succes story some day and insipire other people like others inspired me.
If you have questions or if you wanna talk, feel free to comment. Love to you all!