Another shoe fetish question

Postby caladel » Sat Jul 28, 2018 12:46 pm

I know similar questions have been asked here but I feel that I need fresh advice.

My husband has a shoe fetish. It’s very specific- he is sexually aroused by women’s oxford style shoes. They can be flats or heels but must lace up. Sneakers or other shoes with laces are not a part of the fetish, only oxfords.

I’m not completely opposed to his fetish and have tried to accommodate him by wearing shoes during sex about 75% of the time. But he is constantly begging me to wear these shoes in public and buy new pairs (basically the same freaking shoe over and over again).

Not sure exactly what my problem is with this, but part of it is that I don’t like the idea of bringing something that sexual into our public lives. I hate the idea of being out with friends or family and knowing that he is being sexually aroused or thinking about sex while we are there because of my shoes. I also Struggle with anxiety and self esteem issues and can’t help but feel the shoes are the only way he feels attracted to me, despite his insistence that it isn’t like that. My other issue is that I find this style of shoe to be hideous for the most part. I think I wouldn’t mind as much if it were a shoe I found fashionable and comfortable.

Finally, I am having trouble with the extreme guilt I feel about just not being into it. He claims that if I want him to stop asking me to wear the shoes he will. But that seems unfair to him and there must be a compromise. It seems he has all or nothing thinking- either I indulge him whenever he asks or not at all. Why can’t it be a once in a while thing?

Can anyone weigh in here? I don’t think our marriage is in trouble because of this but how can I accommodate him without forcing myself into uncomfortable situations? Anyone found compromises that work? How can I be sensitive to his needs without sacrificing my own?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 28, 2018 2:23 pm

Men don't want to have sex with items of clothing.

A study was conducted decades ago:

-1- Men were shown pictures of boots. The men were not sexually aroused. Why would you be aroused by boots? You aren't. Boots mean nothing without context.

-2- The men were then shown attractive women wearing the boots. Men were aroused. Why? Because men are sexually aroused by attractive women.

-3- Men were once again shown just the boots. The men were now sexually aroused. Why? What changed? Did they suddenly want to have sex with boots?

No. It is a classic conditioned response. When you pair items together you can get a stimulus/response condition where you see one thing that makes you think about another.

Pavlov did this with dogs. He rang a bell. A bell by itself means nothing. He then gave a dog food directly after ringing a bell. Now the dog associates the sound of the bell with food. From that point forward, the dog hears a bell ring, and the dog begins to salivate at the thought of eating food. A man sees boots, and they begin to salivate over the thought of sex with an attractive woman. Your husband sees oxfords and he thinks of sex with you. are like dogs in this analogy.

There is nothing more sexy than a woman who gets this basic concept. Wearing oxford shoes gives you power. You can wrap your husband around your little finger simply by teasing him with what you wear.

This is what I find interesting about your question. Your husband has handed you a precious gift, telling you exactly how to get whatever you wish and instead of feeling empowered and beautiful, you feel ugly and threatened...not by another woman, not by someone else, but by a pair of shoes.

The last paragraph is not a criticism, it is only an observation. You are absolutely not alone. There are plenty of women in your exact situation, failing to understand how fetishes develop, what a fetish means, and how indulging a particular fetish can make them the cat's meow in the eyes of their husband.

caladel wrote: How can I be sensitive to his needs without sacrificing my own?

I think you find a balance. Your husband has provided you a wonderful gift, but I understand you currently don't see it that way. You currently see a way of teasing and making your husband desire you to be a burden rather than an asset. Fair enough.

You are currently sacrificing your comfort, because you don't want your husband thinking about you this way in public. So talk to your husband and balance times when you will wear oxfords. If you are headed over to a family event or to church, don't wear oxfords. If it is a night out for just the two of you, indulge him with some oxfords.

The bottom line, a fetish isn't about you not being attractive or desirable. Shoes are not a threat, a fetish is not a threat. A fetish is your most intimate partner being vulnerable and sharing a gift with you.
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Postby caladel » Sat Jul 28, 2018 2:42 pm

Thank you. This was tough to hear but also helpful. With some time to reflect and some conversation with a close friend, I have started to realize that some of this is built around my own issues with sex and intimacy. But it’s so helpful for you to suggest ways we can compromise. Thanks again.
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