Am I a bad person?

Postby Anony » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:55 am

This is nerve-wracking. I’ve tried to write this with as much structure in mind as possible, but it may appear messy at some points as it’s essentially a continuous stream of thought. For complete anonymity, I won’t disclose any personal details, such as gender, occupation etc.

From a young age, I’ve always enjoyed the idea of having power over someone. Perhaps it stemmed from the disciplinarian ways of my family, perhaps something else. I don’t like delving much into my early childhood. I used to torture insects out of curiosity and for ‘fun’; ripping their wings or legs off for example. I don’t do this anymore, and I would never do it to larger animals. Sometimes I still get a kick from crushing flies or mosquitoes though, and it keeps me entertained for a while.

I love teasing people. The more I’m fond of them, the harsher the words, the harsher the physical contact. It’s mainly why the majority of my friends are thick-skinned, but still somewhat responsive to my words and actions. Seeing them distressed or shocked or just have any kind of reaction, gives me a high, albeit a small one as they now consider it common practice. However, when someone criticises me for doing so or declares that I’ve gone too far, the guilt is dealt in a heavy blow, leaving me awake at night, judging my actions. I feel like scum.

For the most part, I do think I’m a decent person. I don’t get off to the idea of making everyone around me miserable beings. I do things which are wholly perceived as good, such as helping others and supporting them, yet I can’t shake the feeling that my intentions are warped. Am I helping them because I care for them or is it because I want them to be in debt to me and form some sort of reliance? Am I apologising because I’m truly sorry or because I think they’ll be a useful connection in the future?

I want to believe that it’s the former, but it constantly feels like I’m deceiving myself. Seeing people happy doesn’t make me enraged or disgusted, unless I resent them, I’m happy too. It’s just that I prefer seeing them troubled, be it small or large. So, it leads me to question whether I partake in seemingly good deeds because I enjoy doing so or because I’m atoning for my behaviour.

Tears are a personal favourite of mine. I love seeing people cry, the closer the better. Causing them, however, isn’t always preferred. Humiliating someone to the point of tears has always been a fantasy of mine, but one I highly doubt I’ll partake in. It’d be like a trophy to me, however, the risk of being caught and having my reputation, which I’ve worked so hard to build up, ruined is too high. I love the vulnerability of tears. Seeing someone so vulnerable before me is exciting in a way, almost gratifying. The idea that I can either choose to stop them or provoke more tears to fall intrigues me. I almost crave it.

When talking about topics like this, sex is often discussed. Don’t have a partner, and don’t plan on getting one anytime soon, considering the my current state. I don’t enjoy masturbating either, tried it once, felt awful afterwards. It doesn’t satisfy my desires at all, which is why I turn to porn. BDSM is my go-to, surprisingly hardcore isn’t to my liking, and I watch it every so often. I can’t get off to sex without power exchange being involved. It’s definitely an outlet for my accumulated stress and desires, but I don’t think my everyday behaviour would change drastically, if I started getting involved with someone.

I’m not a psychopath. I believe I’m capable of empathy and deep emotions, although seldom. There are relatives and friends, who I truly love and have no intentions of hurting, but giving a harsh remark here and there isn’t too bad. I’d genuinely break down, if anything serious were to happen. Yet, I don’t experience this other than with a few exceptions. I care about my parents because I’m obligated to do so. I’m nice to others because it seems like the right thing to do, but I can’t help but indulge in the idea of hurting them.

It feels nice to get this off my chest. I’d really like to read your opinions on this or whether you, or another person, behaves/thinks similarly.

Many thanks
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:35 am

The curious thing is why a person...any person, not just you...wants to label themselves in a broad sense as a “bad person” because of some individual thoughts or behaviors that are less than productive. I guess it has something to do with the opposite psyche, when some people label themselves under the umbrella term “good person” when really they once donated a few dollars to a homeless person, but they currently cheat on their wife.

Anyway, what you have described sounds to me like there is a disconnect between the power/control that brings you a certain degree of comfort in your mind, verses how this is actually manifested in the real world. The behaviors that you agonize over when someone with actual power lashes out and tells you that you have gone too far, demonstrates the reality vs. the fantasy. The fantasy, the BDSM fetish, the idea of people crying are thoughts you believe are bad, which then paradoxically makes you good. The ability to recognize and agonize and question your thoughts as “bad” is exactly what proves you have good thoughts and that your actual behaviors reinforce those good thoughts as you help others, etc.

The thought you might only being behaving good for selfish reasons is more evidence of the good struggle. You are not rationalizing that you truly are good, while acting badly. You are not kicking puppies and then telliing yourself that you are good. You face the opposite struggle. You kill an insect and then feel bad! Again, this is proof of your “goodness”!!!!
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