by Candid » Fri Nov 23, 2018 6:35 am
As far as I know, she has never backed you up in your beliefs about your father -- but she hasn't abandoned you, either. She's visited you a number of times without including him.
This is the time to make it clear to her that your father has hurt you badly, over and over again.
You have a choice. You can (maybe?) take leave from your job to go and stay with them until the end. It might be a good thing to see your father for what he is now: an old man who can no longer save himself. You could serve him in whatever way you can. Not for him -- for yourself. You can finally be the stronger man who takes care of the weaker man, and that might heal whatever went wrong for you.
If you believe that he can and will still harm you, the sorry saga of fear, worry and uncertainty we see on the forum has no end. I ask you to consider spending time with him in order to demonstrate to yourself that whatever he did to you in the past, he can't hurt you any more.
Your mother wants you there. Perhaps she needs your physical help, eg. if he can't get out of bed by himself and is too heavy for her to lift. No doubt she needs your emotional help, perhaps for mixed feelings about her husband, or simple grief that he's on the way out. Again, you can show yourself that you're a strong adult who can cope with these things.
The alternative is to tell her you're still afraid of your father, that you'd like to help her but your job is more important to you and you don't owe him anything.
Consider these two scenarios, and imagine how you would feel about yourself in each one. Which feels better -- helping your mother care for the old man, or going on as you are?