12 Months.... What a disappointment

Postby potsleep » Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:33 pm

WTF happened to my life??

I was pretty happy before I quit. But weed begun to turn against me after starting to use daily. Angry, emotional, compulsive, unmotivated, social anxiety and strange uncontrolled sweating. It took me almost 5 years to get the giant hint from my body and mind.

Last year I decided to take a break to clean out my system before a family vacation. My wife had enough of me being a crusty a**hole the last few vacations. I didn't even think it was related to weed withdrawal. Looking back now.. it totally was.

My little break has now turned into 12 months due to the worst set of physical and emotional issues I've ever had to experience. I'm so afraid of weed now, I have ZERO desire to ever smoke again. Purely out of FEAR.

The first 3 months were like hell on earth. All I remember is crippling insomnia, major anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts mixed with excessive sweating and digestion problems. The worst was when checked myself into the ER after not sleeping more than 20 hours over 18 days. I remember reading about PAWS and how it could take up to 2 years. I thought, I don't think I can do this for 2 years!.

Well here I am at 12 months. I remember dreaming of 12 months when I was sure I'd be back to normal. It saddens me to say that I'm not back to normal and feel that this might be my new normal forever. I DO feel much better in many ways but I still battle with insomnia and lack of emotion (depression?) It could be insomnia affecting my mood or depression causing insomnia. Either way.. my sleep issues are really starting to take a toll on me.

This whole experience has totally aged me. I now look like a tired, beat up old man. When I look in the mirror I wonder if it was all worth it. Maybe I just need more time.

Sending thoughts, empathy and understanding to everyone.
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#1

Postby dirtySanchez » Tue Dec 04, 2018 8:41 pm

memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=219885

Please go thought posts he wrote from the beginning to the end. You will see that everybody heals, even if it takes 3 years.
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#2

Postby mikeabbot » Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:53 pm

Well. I'm closing in to 15 months and let me say...I feel you, but dude, you've managed to come this far, why stop now?
This is the thing with addiction...you have to stay strong and continue to reach your goal of being clean.
I have days when I feel tired of all of this too, but then another happy day comes and I'm motivated again.
Sports help a lot and a good diet.
I notice if I eat bad I feel bad. If I'm lazy I feel bad.

Let's do this and beat this addiction bs forever.

all the best,
Mike
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#3

Postby thegreatdane » Tue Dec 04, 2018 11:20 pm

I feel you too brother! Im coming up at 11 months and i feel the same. I very rarely have good moments and good days. 95 percent of the time i feel like all my energy, confidence, manliness, and emotions are sucked out of me. But all we can do is to keep having hope and keep reading other motivational stories. We will escape this and it will be even better than we can ever imagine man! I know exactly what you feel. We got to keep pushing and keep updating each month! Soon we will get out of this bro.
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#4

Postby leavepawsbehind » Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:03 am

I'm a week away from 11 months sober and I feel you on this post. I thought for sure I'd be feeling better at 1 year. I do feel better, but PAWS sucks and is exhausting. I still wake up at 4 in the morning and have restless fits of short periods of sleep for the rest of the night. I have random aches and pains in my muscles and joints that make me suspect and fear that I have some autoimmune health condition in play. If it's not one thing, it's another. My anxiety is always clinging on whatever symptom is most prevalent. I'm thankful that I can exercise again and am not locked in my house with fatigue. But I can hardly remember not dealing with blurring vision and ears ringing and getting waves of anxiety that can persist for weeks for absolutely no reason.
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#5

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:02 am

Please stop looking at the glass half empty. You have so many victories to celebrate. Alteast you guys have a time line and information to look up to. What about the folks who are going through PAWS and don't even know it's paws because they live in a place with no access to the internet or don't know how to research. Or getting wrongly diagnosed for some psychiatric condition. Stop setting expectations of a timeline to get better, if you know you are recovering then let your mind and body take it's time. Enjoy the time however you can. Stop living in the past or the future, just stay in the present and you'll realize there isn't much to be negative about if you're in the present. Take care guys.
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#6

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:57 pm

I agree potsleep it's taking a toll on me too. I feel like I'm going to look like I'm 40 by the time I'm 30. Lol. My sleep is five hours a night tops and I'm 4.5 months in. I'm scared I might never be the same again or at least for 2 years. One day it might get better but it looks like we are stuck for now in a hellish place but somehow I think things will get better eventually. It just feels terrible being in this place. Everyone is different, and after one year down the second year should be easier. I hope and pray for everyone on here to get through this. Success stories seem to be abundant though, at least.
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#7

Postby LondonScouse » Wed Dec 05, 2018 8:18 pm

I feel ya man
I've gone about 13 months barring two slip ups

The social anxiety bothers me the least.it used to be moderate and would negatively affect me all the time, but now it only bothers me occasionally.

The lack of emotion is the real killer because it affects every aspect of life from socialising to pleasurable activities such as gaming, sex etc. Humans are not supposed to be devoid of emotions like this.
I know being emotionless can be a symptom of some types of depression as well as other disorders such as schizophrenia. However it could simply be long-lasting structural and functional changes to the amygdala as well...
It seems that most people who get the emotionless symptom (without DP/DR) are the ones who smoked while in their teenage years
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#8

Postby Bagobones » Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:32 pm

So what did you guys think would happen? That you could be high around the clock for a year, a decade or four, quit like it was nothing and live happily ever after? And do you think its your birthgiven right to be a difficult victim to everyone around you, in your 1. world rich safe country now that you cant play xbox no more in your soft warm sofa, becuase you yourself chose to be high on street drugs for an extended period of time?

If you play with fire you will get burned! Thats what I taught my kids at least, and i live it too. The question is how you deal with the wounds after you get burned. How you choose to pick yourself up again and live on..

Hell on earth is not a little anxiety, and only get 3 hours of sleep some nights in your nice warm beds for a few months. 4-5 hours sleep at night was the good times I had for some years in a Spec Ops army unit in the west. You know, the Navy Seals, SAS and the Ranger soldiers you see on your action movies on netflix while you eat pizza. 4 hours avarage sleep a night was the luxury weeks I had back then. Thats 5 star hotels for the guys that have the trident on their chests, that knows ISIS because they are there fighting them on their home turf. They dont complain. They do it with pride. And many of those nights was sleeping outside on the ground in the rain for me.. It will not kill you.. 4 hours sleep a night was me when i was 20 with 3 babies at home. I survived fine...

Hell on earth is to be schitzofrenic in Rwanda while its a genocide outside your doorstep, and you are the target for the genocide, with half your family dead right outside your door, with streets full of dead dismembered bodies. Hell of earth is to be 9 years old when that is going on. Its not watching netflix and eating takeaway with a little depression. Hell on earth is to wake up in a hospital bed without legs, paralized from the neck down after a car accident. Its not having a little brainfog at work, in Canada or Norway, while Jeff the manager demands better numbers of you. Hell on earth is when you scream in pain after the hospital has maxed out the pain killers, and still your in so much pain that death seems like heaven, because you got cancer. When just a 10 minutes walk outside the hospital without pain is the biggest dream you have ever had. Its not googling "do I have scitzofrenia" on your Apple laptop, on your highspeed broadband internet, because you dont trust your Harvard University educated doctor that told you your fine. Believe me, he has seen so much worst than your sorry complaining a*ses. Hell on earth is my friend, that grew up as a child bride, that got her 7 year old daughter shot in the head in front of her because some high children soldiers needed entertainment, and then get gangraped and tortured by them for hours after... Its not being grumpy on a vacation by the pool with a wife that dont accept your crying... Its not crying yourself to sleep because you dont have a boyfriend..

That is called to be spoiled rotten in this world..

Now go back and read ashthewarrior7 message 10 more times. He is preaching truth...
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#9

Postby Requimfordream » Thu Dec 06, 2018 6:29 pm

potsleep wrote:WTF happened to my life??

I was pretty happy before I quit. But weed begun to turn against me after starting to use daily. Angry, emotional, compulsive, unmotivated, social anxiety and strange uncontrolled sweating. It took me almost 5 years to get the giant hint from my body and mind.

Last year I decided to take a break to clean out my system before a family vacation. My wife had enough of me being a crusty a**hole the last few vacations. I didn't even think it was related to weed withdrawal. Looking back now.. it totally was.

My little break has now turned into 12 months due to the worst set of physical and emotional issues I've ever had to experience. I'm so afraid of weed now, I have ZERO desire to ever smoke again. Purely out of FEAR.

The first 3 months were like hell on earth. All I remember is crippling insomnia, major anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts mixed with excessive sweating and digestion problems. The worst was when checked myself into the ER after not sleeping more than 20 hours over 18 days. I remember reading about PAWS and how it could take up to 2 years. I thought, I don't think I can do this for 2 years!.

Well here I am at 12 months. I remember dreaming of 12 months when I was sure I'd be back to normal. It saddens me to say that I'm not back to normal and feel that this might be my new normal forever. I DO feel much better in many ways but I still battle with insomnia and lack of emotion (depression?) It could be insomnia affecting my mood or depression causing insomnia. Either way.. my sleep issues are really starting to take a toll on me.

This whole experience has totally aged me. I now look like a tired, beat up old man. When I look in the mirror I wonder if it was all worth it. Maybe I just need more time.

Sending thoughts, empathy and understanding to everyone.


Dude Im with you in this, I'm almost 2 years and the lack of sleep has destroyed me, when I do fall sleep my mind is full on vivd dreams I barely get some few minutes of deep sleep cycle, right now I'm having a very difficult time because I wake up every day, super tired, my body feels awkward, restless, fatigue, I have get so old on my face, I look sick, depressed... this week has been a little difficult but I'm still up and trying to Get busy, looking forward for a day when all this end.. good luck
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#10

Postby Dune22 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:43 am

Yes i totally agree Potsleep..Reading your blog scared that cr!#p out of me as since im on month 3 ( nowhere near your time PAWS).

Since than it is scary and interesting how this pot withdrawal has aged me in such little time. I now see line's around my mouth and eye's not previously there before i stopped. Before i just had dark bags around my eye's due to lack of restful sleep..
It definitely is from the agonizing stress due to no deep sleep..I believe and heard that we are just getting to level 2 sleep where dreams occur and we wake up when the deep sleep cycle kicks in and we get kicked out..Im really worried not so much being vain but my nerves and blood sugar exploding high due to no deep sleep ( level 3 and 4 ,5?)to recover and recouping.

I believe a now have Type 2 diabetes cause of my 16 year abuse and lack of full sleep cycle hiking up my blood sugar. I have all the symptoms: tingling in my hands and feet and dizzy especially when i eat anything remotely with sugar. Pop, ice cream chocolate..cause of this i may have to go on Meds although im completely against this and don't want to go back to weed again cause of my ailing health.

I agree this is the price i have to pay for weed abuse but this is literally killing me( us) if it takes this long or longer like you guy's.

I still only get about an hour or 2 of sleep and vivid dreams and than wake up. When i wake up, it's not the natural wake up as sleep dreamy and relaxed. It's the wake up instantly with pounding headaches i had before i slept. Like still wake while dreaming and major tingling in hands feet and get tired shortly after couple hour's. A nightmare. But these blog's give me hope..

Wish the best for all of you guy's take care
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#11

Postby Dune22 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:22 am

Forgot to mention that the reason i stopped was not only high blood sugar/ symptoms of diabetes but i stopped cause the last 3 year's i smoked and vaped heavily all day trying to catch that healthy sleep but it just got worse. Bigger bags under eye's and tingling.

I wonder if Meds will just delay weed PAWS or continue it as outside chemical induced dopamine will keep my brain from recovery like others here have said and defeat the purpose?

IDK, im in a rut too as i work in retail full time and is taking a toll on my costomer service and with co-workers wondering why i look beat and little patience and irritable cause lack of that recovery sleep..

I read countless blog's on here and they're symptoms but when you really think about this, common sense says this is almost 99% due to full restful sleep. I don't care what anybody says. This is the real trouble getting out of PAWS.

Anybody else says otherwise is in denial or never really wanted to quick. No offense.

Take care
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#12

Postby potsleep » Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:13 pm

mikeabbot wrote:I have days when I feel tired of all of this too, but then another happy day comes and I'm motivated again.


I do have to admit this is true. My insomnia is not all the time. It seems I can sleep fine for weeks or months and then for no reason I can't. The last few times it's been 1.5 months of terrible sleep issues. Literally all over the map. And then boom. I can sleep fine. The last stretch was the longest ever 2 months of sleep. It's so odd how It comes and goes.

I'm in another bad pattern that has been going since the end of October and It feels like I'm at week one all over again.

First I start waking up at 4am, then 3am, then 1:30am then 0 sleep. Then rotating days. One day 0 sleep, one day full sleep. Then 0 sleep for days, then just enough not to die. At this point I feel so desperate, I start booking a doctors appt (Which I will be doing today...lol). Then all of a sudden.... I can sleep. fine... every day. 7-8 hours of deep sleep. It feels like a form of torture.

Anyway. I'm getting used to it now and I bothers me less. So I guess thats a plus.
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