Dwarf's journal

#15

Postby AngryDwarf » Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:45 pm

Month 5 / Day 150

Cthompson21 apologies for the late reply. I honestly can't remember how I felt other than thinking that smoking a bit of weed would be a good idea. Guess I must have felt pretty good. I had moved temporarily back in with my parents during the last quit, which likely made the recovery faster. This time around I'm sitting alone in my apartment, only seeing other people 1-2 times a week. I feel trapped but also incapable of doing much about it.

In other news, this last month has been unexpectedly hard. I feel like I have by my own lifestyle mistakes stalled my recovery. At the time of writing this I feel sicker than I have since the early PAWS. It's that vague but intense feeling-like-im-about-to-go-crazy-and-die-at-the-same-time mindfuk kind of thing. I think this was triggered by a series of heart palpitations I had today. For some reason I have been really paranoid about dying of heart attack. Technically it could happen anytime, chest pain out of nowhere and then you are dead. Bouts of anxiety also seem to cause chest pain occassionally, which only adds more fuel to the worry bonfire.

I may have been a bit too optimistic in my previous update... I'm no longer sure I will be fine by the end of this year. See you all at the six month mark in January. Happy Christmas & New Year!
AngryDwarf
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#16

Postby Cthompson21 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:21 am

Sorry you're still feeling bad! Thanks for replying though. Here's hoping the new year brings better days.
Cthompson21
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#17

Postby AngryDwarf » Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:03 pm

Weird to think that it's been around 180 days now. This is the longest I have gone without smoking since I first tried weed in 2011 or so. I spent two weeks of Christmas & New Year with my parents. My whole immediate family was there. I think this did a lot on my wellbeing. I drank 1-2 beers almost every day, but the social atmosphere seemed to keep the negative consequences of doing so at bay.

Today I feel like I'm beginning to "return to Earth" so to speak, the world is starting to seem more familiar and less threatening. I'm starting to get a sense of "soul" back in my chest, which has motivated me to try to get closer with God. I have felt depressed and anxious from time to time in the past month, but rarely longer than for a few hours at once. Often the feelings are resolved by simply eating something.

I still don't feel at full capacity in terms of focus and enjoyment of things, but the current state of anhedonia is much better than it was 2-3 months ago.
AngryDwarf
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