10 months

[HopefulMe]

I am almost at 10 months. For the past two months I have been struggling bad! Is it possible to start over? ( no I havent touched MJ or alcohol) Can that happen? I feel so low right now and cant stop crying....I thought I was suppose to be getting better.....I dont want to lose hope...what is wrong with me...I feel like my experience is so much more different than everyone else.

[Head in loud]

Hang in there, it is PAW and you will get better. I suggest to keep yourself busy and meditate. You are strong and you will overcome this!

[HopefulMe]

Hey. Thank you for replying. I try and keep myself as busy as I can without over doing it. I havent tried meditating. I'll try it out tonight. I'm having a hard time believing I'm really going to get better. I havent had a normal day in these 10 months. I have had ok days that are more manageable....I read other stories and just feel like mine is so different. I just want to feel like my normal self again.

[ashthewarrior7]

When people say they have good days, they don't mean they feel great and full of joy, they say good because the symptoms aren't getting to them or that bad. I recommend meditating after waking rather than before sleeping. Everybody is different and so are their symptoms, some have the same or similar symptoms and some have very different. Socializing is the best way to keep busy. Stay strong.

[HopefulMe]

I have read about people having an easier time after 6 months or 8 months ect. I guess I compare my situation alot because at 6 months I was greeted with a full blown migrain. It was terrible and lasted a little over a week. Then during the 3 days after my 8th month mark I was feeling a bit better n got hit with two panic/anxiety attacks a couple days apart n things just were on edge. Christmas eve n christmas day were ok it was still a battle n I was exhausted but I made it. I still continue to struggle. I guess the patter from hitting my new month mark hasent gone very well and I guess it makes me nervous bc I havent had the best of luck? Sorry if I sound so negative. In the middle of October I started to get mor optimistic...i just dont know what happened?

[thegreatdane]

I feel the same at nearly 12 months bro!! Hang in there man, i know the struggle. Keep going man, we will escape this very soon

[HopefulMe]

Hey greatdane, thank you for the reply and words of encouragement. I'm a girl btw lol but still very much appreciated it. 12 months? How do you feel if you dont mind me asking? I would ask what your symptoms are but I dont want you thinking about them and giving them more attention. Have you had good days? Kind of like a break where you could manage your symptoms a bit better?

[thegreatdane]

Haha no worries, idk why but i always assume people on here are males

My symptoms are mainly: Mild depression(like i just dont feel happiness and joy anymore, at least very rarely), social anxiety, no confidence, no energy, no motivation. The symptoms i have left is pretty much only mental and not physical. It really does suck and for the last 12 months i havent been living, i have just been waiting for each day to go by so i can get out of this. You are asking if i have had better days, and the answer is yes. Somedays i feel a little bit better and more happy, nothing special but its a little break from PAWS. But it happens very rarely and its not even that great days not to sound pessimistic.

[HopefulMe]

It's funny bc I'm a girl and assume everyone on here is a guy too lol.
Well the thing is that everything pretty much starts in the brain. So if our brains aren't ok we are not ok. I tell myself its PAWS. Just symptoms of PAWS it's like being sick I have to give it time. Its definitely tiring especially when you have been doing it for so long. Any one that becomes exhausted gets more on the negative side. I get you. About the days being ok but not great. I'm a very emotional person. I'm very intuned with myself so to not feel like myself really gets to me. Do you sometimes feel like your emotions are kind of far away but you could somewhat feel them? With me over time that tiny flicker has gotten a bit stronger. Still not there though....what's gotten to me has been these past two months. I felt like everything was starting to settle down a bit more n then bam! It was like "ha! Bitch you thought!" N so here I am. You know what at the end of your day before you sleep. Try and smile and tell yourself that you accomplished your goal today of getting through the day. I havent done that in a bit bc I tried and I just cried but I'm going to try tonight. I also count the hours until the day is over but I think that only makes things worse....I started writing on how my day went at the end of the day. Maybe you could try that too?

[thegreatdane]

I feel the same way too. The thing that has been bothering me the most is LACK OF EMOTIONS. Im also a very emotional guy, i feel a lot and has always felt a lot. Its probably tied to the depression that i have gotten after quitting weed but i just dont really feel that much anymore. It has gotten a tiny bit better and on some days i can actually cry a little and it feels so good. After the paws wave hit me a week ago i have been numb again. Part of me just thinks i will never be normal again, and part of me knows thats a lie. I just keep going month after month hoping that this is finally the moment where things will look up! Im tired of being dissapointed every month.

[HopefulMe]

Does this wave that started a week ago feel like a every other wave? Or is it bad but you can deal with it? Its tiny things like that, that make a difference. During these past two months for me yes it felt terrible but it was different unlike at the beginning where I felt like I had no control I actually kinda did have control this time. It isnt easy....but we have to keep fighting it. I know you're exhausted trust me. It feels like your soul has been wringed out to the point where theres nothing left to squeeze BUT here we are. Still fighting our fight. I think as very emotional people we expect too much from ourselves and dont give ourselves enough patience like how we do to others. It's crazy because I remember like a week ago I think or something like that. For a split second out of nowhere a thought just ran through my mind. It was just me thinking to myself" ha imagine I feel like giving up because it's so bad and next thing you know I'm better". N I was like wtf? I think having moments like that is our subconscious trying to tell us that everything is going to be ok. I know you get really caught up in your head but take a moment and think about how you're able to have a cry or feel a tiny feeling of happiness. Everything is still there it's just taking its sweetass time lol. We both are stronger than we think or give ourselves credit for. Bc look at our time line and we havent giving up. We are tired as hell and we have gotten a pretty sh** end of the stick but here we are not giving up. Right?

[HopefulMe]

Also when you do feel. Does it feel like theres kind of like a wall or something keeping you from feeling your emotions fully?

[thegreatdane]

I feel like each wave is easier to handle because i have experienced them before. The waves doesnt scare me anymore, because i know i will fight through it. I kind of have this thing where i forget the days where im actually feeling better. Like i just forget them and think it will never happen again and stuff, i guess thats called anxiety.

The days where i actually feel a little bit and can cry, YES it defiently feel like there is a barrier that covers my emotions still. Its no where near how emotional i used to be. I have read a lot of posts on here and it seems like "lack of emotions" happens really often when having PAWS. The other thing im scared about is that i f***ed up my brain during my teenage years and its never gonna get better. I smoked from 17-20 and im 21 years old now, so yeah i have all those fears and doubts about this proccess. But one thing is for sure, WEED DISGUSTS ME. I have a whole different point of view on weed now, people can litterally smoke weed in front of me now and i dont give a damn. So even if i was suicidal i would never go back to my previous addictions, never ever.

[HopefulMe]

From my own experience and everything I have read on here. I feel like everyone goes through that. Forgetting the good days during those terrible waves. They still kind of scare me. My head feels weird more and the anxiety and not feeling like myself, everything looking more weird (did you have that? Where everything looks weird and you question everything?) Dp/dr.But it's still different than the beginning thank God! Bc I do have a bit more control unlike the beginning. I thought I was going crazy. I really doubt you did any serious damage bc yes **** weed n yes it's a drug ect but I've been told that serious damage is done from heroin and alcohol. One this is for sure is that our brains have been through addiction thanks to that so called innocent drug. So we have to be more careful. Especially if you drink ect. But yeah I would think that too and still have moments where I ask myself if I damaged my brain. I think that's our own anxiety and worries bc of what we are going through. Everyone around me does that sh**. I know I'm NEVER going to do that again. And as time has gone by those freaking thoughts come up. I dont know if it's my own anxiety about me touching that stuff again or bc its everywhere =/ o well all I know is that I will never go back to it. I just think its more anxiety than cravings. I'm weird I guess.

[thegreatdane]

I maybe had a bit of dr/dp in the first month, but other than that no not really. And yes the brain has the power to heal itself, im so happy that this will not be my permenant state. I wish you good luck on your journey and i hope to hear a success story from you very soon