6 months in

**Posts:** 56 · by **dirtySanchez** » Thu Dec 27, 2018 8:34 pm

AngryDwarf I really hope from bottom of my heart that you are OK by now. From my case - PAWS were not alcohol-related.

Guys I am not expecting any sympathy, I'll just write what is on my mind. Here it is.

I am so sick of this process. I really do not want to continue living in this state anymore. Nothing good has happened in this year except 1,5 months when I thought that PAWS are over - but guess what.. they were not.

I am so tired of this journey and of continues struggle. I really started to question if God exists and why is he putting me through all of this.

Cant battle the PAWS anymore, I have put 101% of me into this battle but they have won.

3 hours ago I googled "should I commit suicide" (I won't actually do it - but for the record.. this is the place I am coming from when PAWS are at work after being weed free for almost 1 year!)

**Posts:** 174 · by **ashthewarrior7** » Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:19 pm

So another wave hit you, after a long time, you forgot how bad paws was and started to enjoy life again. And now PAWS sucker punched you in the face, you are down. You know now you think you have a choice, should you just stay down and give up or keep going . The truth is, you already know your choice, it isn't much of a choice, you have to keep going, doesn't matter what or who you believe, the only option is to keep going. At least you have experience on your side even if you don't have the energy and spirit any more. You know what to do to go through it, you've done your research and are the strongest of the folks on this forum. Just because you've declared paws have won doesn't mean they have, not yet. Your next wave of good days will be even longer. others have gone through the same and so will you. Pick yourself up and carry on. Stay strong.

**Posts:** 126 · by **thegreatdane** » Thu Dec 27, 2018 10:06 pm

I feel the exact same way as you dirtysanchez! Im almost 1 year clean and paws is f***ing me up, i litterally feel so worthless, depressed, anxious. I was hit by another paws wave a week ago and it f***ed me up man, im still feeling really bad. I have questioned my spirituallity as well several times on this journey, i feel like no one is here for me. I know it sounds stupid right now, but maybe in 2 years we will be thankful for this experience that god gave us. At the end of the day, the ONLY option is to keep going. You are not alone, i am not alone. Even tho we feel like it.

**Posts:** 44 · by **Freedomhfx** » Thu Dec 27, 2018 11:22 pm

PAWS...I feel everyones’ misery in regard. I try to cling to the times when I’m feeling okay and keep telling myself that it will pass. It always does but it is so hard to get through the battle when it hits. It is helpful to know that many of you are fighting the same battle because I know I’m not alone in this journey. Please believe in yourself and don’t give in to the temporary setback. PAWS will pass but death is forever. You are not your pain and it will pass. Live in the moment and try not to think about later today or tomorrow or next week. Life is full of highs and lows. Stay the course and you will sail back into the sunshine.

**Posts:** 77 · by **Astro413** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 2:10 am

Feel good, feel bad, feel good, feel bad. You’ve been doing this to long to stop now. We’ve all been or are going through it dude and you started posting at 6 months so we know you’re a lot farther along now. Go back to smoking if you have too, that’s the lesser of the two evils but man up and stay in the game. You know when you’re feeling good that it’s going to hit you again, so anticipate it. I do. I’m in it right now, but you’re stronger than that. And one day (probably sooner than you think) you’re going to anticipate it and it’s not going to come, then you can come back on here and encourage the others like they have encouraged you. Be a man and power through.

**Posts:** 174 · by **ashthewarrior7** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 2:39 am

DO NOT GO BACK TO SMOKING!!!! DO NOT THROW AWAY A YEAR OF PROGRESS BECAUSE YOU WERE CAUGHT OFF GUARD WITH A WAVE OF PAWS. pick yourself up and get back into battle! That's the only option you have!

**Posts:** 213 · by **Cthompson21** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 5:09 am

Hope you are staying strong Sanchez. I know how frustrating that can be. To feel like you're out of it and then in it again. You have to keep going. Perhaps it was retriggered by the alcohol? I agree with ash smoking will redo the damage and make you more suicidal. Please stay strong...you have inspired us already in your journey and i know you will make a comeback and inspire us again

**Posts:** 248 · by **cleanofgreen** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 6:39 pm

Hey Sanchez,

I don't know how many times I went through exactly what you described in your post. I felt drained by the constant struggle , sick of the exercise, feed up of being a good boy and seeing nothing in return, wondering why all the arse-holes seem to have wonderful lives and mine was crap.This is all an illusion though, you are doing great you just don't know it as your in another spell of paws and when your in that paws hell you can't remember any of the good days or the progress you've made.

Some will recover in 9 months others a year, 18 months, 2 years or 3. We're all different but one thing remains constant, we all recover if we stay clean. I can't remember every reading any post of some one going at most 3 years clean and not being fully recovered and living a much better life.

I thought I could't take any more, I had the thoughts of ending it all as well but I made a pact with myself that if it got to the point of actually doing it I would simply go back to smoking again and try again later on, for some reason this made it easier kind of like a get out clause that I didn't need to use in the end but was there as backup. As the saying goes "It's always darkest before the dawn" you might be very close to that dawn now.

Good Luck and stay strong.

**Posts:** 77 · by **Astro413** » Sat Dec 29, 2018 9:47 pm

Sanchez can we get an update please?

**Posts:** 56 · by **dirtySanchez** » Sat Jan 05, 2019 5:22 pm

Firstly, I would like to say thanks for all the posts you guys made, it really made me feel that I am not alone in this.. in the following days since my last post I re-read them my times.

Now I can give my opinion on what happened.

It was a really hard wave of PAWS, probably one of the most intense ones since I started this journey. I am not joking... I could barely move, had no energy and was obsessed with very negative thoughts. It really knocked me down.

It lasted about 3-4 days and only one day was awful. Others were manageable.

Since the start of the new year, I have depression and its 100% my fault because of alcohol. It really messed me up - I can feel it in my body and in my mind. It will probably take 10-15days to go through this. To be honest, it was not worth it - to have fun for 5 hours and then be in a depression for 15days but I am proud of myself since everybody around me was either on cocaine, ecstasy or amphetamines (this is the first time in 6 years I didn't do hard drugs on NYE).

Take care guys.

**Posts:** 213 · by **Cthompson21** » Sat Jan 05, 2019 7:03 pm

Glad to hear you're doing a little better! Kudos to you for staying drug free on NYE. Keep updating!

**Posts:** 56 · by **dirtySanchez** » Sat Jan 19, 2019 6:50 pm

I started to experiment with supplements for dopamine and neurotransmitters since following things - focus, interest, pleasure,libido & motivation are really low for the last year.

I have been taking mucuna pruriens for about 5 days and no noticeable changes were made. However, today I got the rest of supplements which were advised by some guy who overcame Parkinsons diseases. He said that only mucuna pruriens is not enough without l-tyrosine and 5-HTP -> youtube com/watch?v=wbjjiMVxP_A&t)

So here are the dosages I took:
1500mg - macuna pruriens (of which there is about 100mg L-dopa)
1000mg - L-tyrosine
50mg - 5-HTP (50mg)
200mg - alpha lipoic acid

** While taking macuna pruriens you must also take vitamin B6!

While being in the middle of PAWS before I took these supplements - My mood changed within an hour. I haven't felt so good & with so much of energy for a long time. Workout at the gym was amazing. I even didn't felt tired afterward.

I will go with this plan for about one or two months and will posts updates.

Take care guys.

**Posts:** 27 · by **type0** » Wed Jan 23, 2019 5:48 pm

happy it has work for you too. Maybe your mucuna dosage is too low. You can use 5gr no problem

**Posts:** 56 · by **dirtySanchez** » Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:32 pm

I didn't experience PAWS ever since I started taking those supplements written above.

However...

After 5 days of taking the doses 2 times per day, I started to feel something in terms "too much". I couldn't focus and my head was really heavy.

I stopped with everyday dosing and now instead I take it only in the morning every 3 days. For now, I feel amazing..

Next week I will also add NAC as a supplement to the list.

@type0
Yea, I am taking now 3000mg of Macuna, since I'm having BIO powder that contains somewhere 4-5% of L-dopa on 1000mg.

**Posts:** 61 · by **Head in loud** » Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:56 am

dirtySanchez,
Not to discourage you but I’m so against taking supplements. In my opinion we still don’t know much about how these supplements are effecting our brain. Some might say it is natural but then so is weed.

6 months in

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