Suicidal thoughts

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:07 am

Coming up on 6 months and I'm really struggling. Death looks nice and peaceful compared to this. I don't know why I have to keep struggling like this but here I am. February will mark three years since I've been dealing with PAWS, not counting the good four or five months where I felt pretty good, recovered so to speak, then last summer I tried smoking weed and I've been having all the withdrawal symptoms everyone has on here. I just feel like I cannot do it some days with the anxiety. The DP is subsiding thank God but the sleep and anxiety are still awful most days. Like Sanchez said I feel like I cannot continue being in this awful state, part of me says I should keep going and stop using this forum as a crutch but most of my days are nightmarish. Even my sleep is plagued with bad dreams. I just want to hang myself and be done with all this. If I tell someone they mig ht send me to the hospital and then put me on anti depressants and that will screw me up even more. Sorry I just feel bleak. I don't know how to continue.
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#1

Postby Astro413 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 3:02 pm

Cthompson I know you don’t really mean what you’re saying, you’re obviously in a wave right now and are expressing your emotions. If you really do feel this way then you need to get help, it is not worth it. I recommend watching Ryan Donnelly on YouTube, he goes into full depth on opioid withdrawal and paws and how to deal with it but he mimics all the same symptoms. I watched his videos for a month straight before I felt I could go on without it and it really helped and eased my mind. Don’t do nothing, help yourself get better. This is a waiting game any way you look at it but you have to keep yourself motivated and occupied while these processes are taking place. I’m still going through this too, albeit I hesitate to say I think I may have turned a corner but that just goes to show that it will happen for me and it will happen for you. Don’t read the negatives because those stick with you more than the positives at this point in time.
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#2

Postby Astro413 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 3:06 pm

Read Robb1e_g posts, he just came on here after 13 months and he is totally fine now, even after admitting to having those thoughts for the first 11 months of his recover. It’s part of Paws. It’s not you. You’re brain is essentially playing tricks on you because it wants you to feed it. Power through because you know you can, good luck.
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#3

Postby Astro413 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:50 pm

Give us a response when you read these messages to let us know you are okay
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#4

Postby dirtySanchez » Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:50 pm

I have real emphathy for you and know where are coming from.

What helped me with the anxiety was to start taking magnesium suppliment (magnesium citrate) in little bit higher doses.

If I would have to start from month 6.. This would be my advice. Go find some easy job (like warehouse) where there is no need for being in contact with other people - just work..times flies when you distract yourself.

Also watch a lot of comedy - TV shows, movies, etc.. Buy a gaming console to play... And most importanty, don't put pressure to get better on yourself. It's a process. There is proof on this forum that you will make it 100%.. Even if it takes 2 years.

I know how hard it is to be in this state with so much suffering. It's really f***ed up. Just remember that you have the whole uncommon army behind you and those f***ing paws may have won a battle.. But we are here for the long run and to win the war, not just battle.

Please keep us updated.
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:27 pm

Try and find that piece of strenght inside you brother. I know what you feel like and i know these thoughts. Life seems pointless, life seems dull. It seems like things will never get any better. This is your damaged brain speaking. Our brain and whole energy system is damaged and under healing. What helps me get through the bad days is just to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and this will only make us stronger. Just try and read success stories on this website and try and imagine that it will be you!! It will be all of us. Because we will all make it.
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#6

Postby Cthompson21 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:31 pm

Thank you everyone I am trying to see the light but it's really hard right now. I talked to my therapist and he said that i should try to stick it out more and the thoughts will pass, and that maybe I should try ADs but of course I said no. I tried them before and I don't think they helped. I think I feel worse because the 3 year anniversary is coming up and I didn't think I'd be in this place. It feels like a huge blow and disappointment, I thought I'd be living my life again by this time. Instead I feel like I'm stuck in this loop of PAWS forever. Sanchez how are you doing? I'm trying to hang on at work but might stop working at a bank as a teller during the week is exhausting, just the simple dealing with people and making small talk with customers drains me. I have a music job that I can get by on for a while so I might do that. I have a depressed vibe that I think people see too, I hate it, I just wanna cry a lot of the time. I just wish things would get better, I guess I am one of the few people that have a really sensitive reaction to weed.
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#7

Postby Head in loud » Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:58 pm

I’m sorry for what you going through, but suicide is not the answer. It is selfish; think about the impact on your love ones. Also it is coward, this life is struggle and you have to fight, you are a strong person and 10000% sure you are able to beat PAWs a.SS. Do it for your sake and for our sake—I also have these thoughts but will never ever act on it. Bc I’m a strong able and determined man. Let us hear you say this—“I’m strong, able and determine man! I will never give up, I will never stop fighting!”
I’m not sure how religious you are but even if chance of religion being right is 1% it is still to high to destroy your afterlife with quick way out. You are created for a purpose and you must continue living.
I’m also 6 months out and going through this nightmare, DR/DP, night sweat, suicidal, anxiety, running mind and OCD. I’m taking this a day at a time and each mornings when I wake up I thank my god for this experience for I know it makes me stronger.
I will check on you every day on this thread my brother. Please keep up update. Let’s do this together.
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#8

Postby Astro413 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:11 pm

Cthompson your therapist is right, you need to keep sticking this out and be easier on yourself. I wouldn’t personally go the AD rout and don’t feel I need to but I know they’ve helped some people get through this (but whether they stopped using them or not I don’t know as they are difficult to quit). If your job is to much then by all means quit, you need to work on yourself, that’s what part of this is, the other part is just time and patience which you need to really have with paws. It will go away. 2yearsquit just gave his 40 month, and what will probably be his last update and he is completely cured and it took him a full 3 years. I know you have been in this for 3 years as well but you told me yourself that you slowed (or backtracked) your process by trying weed. That doesn’t mean you have to start from square one but it is going to take a little more time, and that’s okay because once you get that relief it will be oh so sweeter. HeadInLoad is right and I know you’re religious, DO NOT RUIN YOUR CHANCES OF AN AFTERLIFE BY BEING A COWARD!! It is murder in Gods eyes and I wouldn’t do that in a million years and believe me I, and many others here whether they admit it or not, have been in the exact same place as you and it was very scary (it still scares me just at the thought of being that way). I am 6 months in this as well and while I haven’t posted an update (not sure if I will) I will tell you that while I’m not out of the woods yet, and I still keep us with this board, I am in a much better place than I was just a month ago. I don’t even remember posting my last update at 5 months if you want me to be honest. We are all healing every day little by little, even you and it is crucial that you just stay strong. Keep working on the music, do what you know you love even if you don’t love it right now, read your bible, and we will both wake up one day and realize we have been out of the woods for a good time and have beaten PAWS. Don’t frequent this board if you don’t have too, try and take your mind off things every once in awhile, I know it’s hard but once you do it you’ll forget everything and just enjoy being in the moment, even if it’s for 5 minutes and that’s what you need to do to make it easier on yourself.
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#9

Postby Head in loud » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:39 pm

Cthompson How you doing brother? Keep us posted.
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#10

Postby Cthompson21 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:33 am

I'm reading your replies and they are keeping me going. Thank you all again, I'm struggling again today, had a bout of depersonalization (didn't last long though) and I'm moving forward best I can. Going to see about my job situation within the next few weeks, hopefully I can swing it financially. This is hard because I was healed last summer and thought I was in the clear, it was like I waited and waited and one day I could finally breathe. I didn't even notice it was so gradual but one day realized I was basically fine. I guess that's how it will be this time too. Keep going until I'm used to it, like a chronic illness. Trying to go to the gym as much as I can. I will keep my monthly updates going.
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#11

Postby Dune22 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:35 am

Hi CThomson21 .

Sucks this happened to you after all your time invested...Im 3 month's in and cannot get deep sleep for the life of me. Only vivid dreams and wake up after 2 hour's since quiting..

I've been reading about Adrenaline Fatigue and unbalanced cortisol levels and yes heard can take up to 2 year's+ to get balanced..

Have you tried Acupuncture? I've been meaning to go and read a book by John Mini called Marijuana Syndrome..he pin point's( no pun) to many symptoms from heavy user's. Very interesting..

Anyway I've heard Adrenaline Fatigue wears out the pituitary gland by kidneys and can give a benign tumers called Cushing syndrome which makes you not sleep/ insomnia.
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#12

Postby Dune22 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:43 am

Anyway I've been heavily researching Adrenaline Fatigue from heavy long term cannabis use..Again it causes cortisol levels to spike making too much.. It can also cause a vicious cycle raising blood sugar levels up, unbalanced insulin levels causing eventual diabetes 2 like i have now i believe from 16 year's abuse causing my anxiety to be up all day every day...although it's weird in your situation as your symptoms cane back almost immediately.

AnywAy im still researching and going to go to an entomologist soon see what they say..Hope you get better soon
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#13

Postby Dune22 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:01 am

I meant im going to an Endocrinologist to see about my symptoms cause i can no longer fall asleep properly being to fatigued and too wake at same time, only REM while awake seamingly probably due to high cortisol levels..

Only once in my 3 month quit did i go into deep sleep for like 2 hour's and then got kicked out sweating hard but felt awesome for the day..i carry on to get to that again some day..gives me hope...

If anyone is reading this, you should google Dr. Axe site under Adrenal fatigue.. It's very interesting and talked alot about what many on here are dealing with..
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#14

Postby Brudenski » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:52 am

Guys stop searching for symptoms, every minutes and articles about marijuana damage and just trust the process. It's true that some stuff need 2 years+ to heal but don't forget that you are healing in the meantime so level the level of cortisol is guetting better every day.
And dune22 i abused weed for 16 years like you and the sleep is getting better after 6 months.
And if you read all the stories here on the forum even the ones that struggled to much for 2 years or more nobody has developed health problem or died in the recovery.
So just take it day by day.
I am still in the wood but i can tell you with honesty that time will take care of it.
Just push it.
☮️
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