But this...this is our doing. No one forced us to smoke, no one inflated our lungs day by day. When you smoke and see that it doesn't change much, but makes you feel better (e.g: relax, happiness, good sleep etc etc, whatever worked for you) you think it's not such a bad thing. It is widely accepted, so it's even harder to acknowledge the harm it does to you. Overtime you start to see that something is not right, so you stop. And the nightmare begins.
My first 3 months i was obsessed with why is it so bad, i thought weed does you no harm. Which is a big f***ing lie. Weed lied to you!! It's a big thing to accept this. And it hurts like hell to figure this out. You brought this upon yourself! It's another thing that hurts. You feel guilty and disappointed and thought you were smarter than this. You never thought of the consequences of such a weak drug, everybody uses it and no one bats an eye. It betrayed you, your best friends. You came home thinking of it, was with you through thick and thin, and it betrayed you. The thing is you betrayed yourself!
When you are played by someone else is one thing..but when you play yourself is way harder to manage. It takes the cake really
Imagine all these feelings coming over you like a tsunami, the result is hopelessness, darkness, low self esteem. All this combined with the brain's chemical imbalance and change of habit, it's a huge task you ask of yourself. But it is the only way you can come out of it.
I didn't knew about paws either until i found this god blessed forum. For a while i was afraid to search for more information. But the desire to get well is much bigger than the fear of staying like this forever, which is not gonna happen. The waves of paws is a proof of the fact that your brain and yourself are still there, it's just the battle it has to take place before you emerge again in the light. Your head is preoccupied with restoring the normal balance you used to have. That's why you're not in the mood for sex, food, you cannot feel things properly, you're confused, you refuse the small pleasures of life. It sucks you out of energy because it is a hard job to do.
I think this applies to most of us here in this forum. It's our doing and we have to work to undo it.
