Is it a phase or is it part of something bigger?

Postby LocoVoco » Sun Mar 03, 2019 8:58 pm

Good evening,

I'm currently 23 years old (my birthday was on the 18th of last month's) and in the last year I've been going through a lot. Please bear with me.

1) I return from my Erasmus stay in January 2018 and get hired through connections at a Language Academy. I get paid, I love my job. I'm just finishing my BA and everything goes smoothly well. Also, while on my Erasmus I met a guy in my city with whom I engaged in a romantic relationship. I'm on high spirits pretty much until June.
2) In June I meet another guy. He's so attentive and sweet and I end up sleeping with him. I'm still with my bf and I hide my parallel relationship (I'm a bad person IK) while being with both for quite some time (btw, I'm still in these parallel-relationship kind of thingy).
3) In September 2018, my contract gets renewed but problems start arising in my job. They'd delay my salary payments (they haven't paid me what they owe me (3 months)) and on top of it all my students start picking on me outside working hours (while being at the grocer's) and I report it to my manager. He doesn't seem to care and it keeps happening. While that is happening, I've recently enrolled in a Master's Degree Programme (MA in Teaching) which I stop attending because I work from 11 am til 11 pm (in a village, depending on public transport). In the end, I leave my job by mid-december 2018.
4) January 2019. I start working at another academy but I feel increasingly anxious because I've failed all my subjects in the MA because I didn't go to classes.
5) February 2019. In the end, I leave this other job because it's time-consuming and my manager called me stupid among other things. I stop attending classes altogether (I'm trying to get the money for my credits back) and I'm currently doing NOTHING - not studying, nor working.

Tl;dr. My brain couldn't take it all and eventually abandoned everything I was doing and for which I was so motivated.

As of March 3rd 2019, I feel like doing nothing. Just sleeping and watching Youtube videos. I've asked my GP to help me but the psychologist won't see me until probably March 2020. The thing is my parents keep putting so much pressure on me and I don't think I want to be a teacher anymore. Also, I feel like a cheating woman who is on a double-relationship. Don't feel like working nor studying. Is this part of a depression or just me collapsing after a period of high pressure?

Thanks in advance
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 04, 2019 3:26 am

It sounds like it is the right time to define yourself, as in defining YOUR OWN values and the next path that you wish to pursue in life.

There are 3 major phases for any of us to become the person we want to be, to living the life we want to live.

-1- Child/servant: We are born having no autonomy. We are dependent upon parents to provide us everything, including not only our physical needs, but providing our values and dictating exactly what will shall do. This is not a bad thing. It provides us a solid foundation.

-2- Apprentice: As we move into adolescence and towards becoming a young adult we gain some autonomy, but we still look towards others to provide us guidance. This includes our peer group as well as family. In this sense, we voluntarily subjugate ourselves to the values and purpose of others. We voluntarily adopt the path they want us to take. We rationalize, for good reason, that we are not ready to be the captain of our own destiny.

It is very normal, especially at 23 to begin questioning your path, to question the extent you want to be the apprentice in various aspects of life. As we struggle, we sometimes behave in ways that are not necessarily consistent with our stated values, because we are fighting to break out and better define our own path verses the path others want us to take. In this sense, it is normal to juggle two romantic relationships and feel like crap, because it is a way to rebel or manage being on a path you want to change, a level of being subjugated that you don´t wish to continue. It isn´t necessarily healthy, but it also is something we all go through, quite often multiple times in life as we try to transcend to being a master.

-3- Master: some people never reach this phase. Others don´t understand what it means to be a master of your own values, your own path. It isn´t a competition. It doesn´t mean being better than anyone else. Instead, it is all about not letting others, not letting society dictate what is right or wrong. The master doesn´t subjugate, the master defines their own rules, sets their own sail, and is captain of their own ship. This is freedom to pursue what you want, but it is not that easy. The master also accepts their own limits and is okay with that reality. The master doesn´t try to be something they are not.

In your case, you are still in the apprentice mode. The master doesn´t give a #$&* about students making fun of them. They don´t worry over a manager saying they are stupid. That is an apprentice trying to please others, trying to conform to what society has told them what is to be valued.

Throughout life, we can cycle through these phases dependent upon our goals. We can even be servants again as we transition to a new career or take on a new challenge. However, as we age we gain wisdom. This helps in progressing faster to higher levels quicker.
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