My Quit Journal

Postby fuckdabs » Thu Mar 07, 2019 2:45 am

So I'm starting this a bit late. I'm on day 30, but I feel like posting here will help me notice improvements. I'm going to talk about why I quit, recap my past 30 days and talk about where I'm at now.

First, some background. The first time I smoked weed I was 16. I realized I've always been peer pressured into it. Not trying to place blame, just remind myself I never was a true fan of the weed. I think I mostly did it because my friends were doing it. I was never an addict, but I did feel like if I smoked, the rest of my day was shot. Life went on, I had more of a binge drinking problem than a weed problem from age 16-24, it always made an appearance but was never a daily thing. Until I met my boyfriend. He smokes every day. He's perfect in every other way. Damn it I hate weed. As we started dating my binge drinking problem went away (haven't been drunk in years, yay), but I gained a daily weed habit problem. Fast forward 3 years and 60 pounds of munchies and birth control metabolism and here we are. A bowl at night turned into bowls all night and weekend, which turned into dabs all night and weekend. That's what really got me. I had quit daily use before without major issues until the dabs. Now I'm 30 days deep and in hell. Before quitting I was on a 2 month dab bender due to losing my job, by the end of it I couldn't even get high if I smoked 98753 dabs every 15 minutes. I decided it was time to cut back. As soon as I cut back, I guess I started withdrawing, and then when I smoked it just amplified my anxiety and I had a panic attack right after smoking. I felt fine and then all of the sudden felt like I was having a heart attack. It lasted 30 minutes or so and slowly wore off. I smoked again. Got major anxiety. Tried again, major anxiety. ****. I was SOL. I feel like I had no option but to quit.

The first 30 days
The first week was hell. I quit smoking and decided it was also time to lose weight so I cut flour/sugar and cut out caffeine to decrease anxiety. My body was in shock and also PMS. Lots of crying ensued along with feeling like an alien and totally not myself. Intense physical anxiety symptoms I hadn't dealt with before. Every day around 5 I'd get tightness in my chest or throat and think I needed to go to the hospital. It. Was. Hell. I convinced myself I had cancer, and heart disease and diabetes and liver failure all at once. I also had insomnia, back pain, and I just felt very week and unhealthy. I'm realizing now I had DP or DR not sure, but I remember feeling like I didn't really recognize or feel close to my boyfriend. Night sweats and nightmares began.

The second week was a bit better. The anxiety and crying were not as intense but definitely still there. Lots of physical pain, back, neck, head. Insomnia turned into brain fog and fatigue at this point.

Third week I still felt like sh**. Couldn't sleep, always thirsty, dry mouth, teeth hurt from grinding, always exhausted, always in pain, anxious. I started a new job at this point, I was excited and hoped it would distract me from my withdrawal but it really made it worse. Those 8 hours of work drained every last bit of the measly energy I had.I've felt very imcompentent at work, I just dont have the energy or focus my job requires right now. Also constant muscle aches, knots, random stabbing pains everywhere.

Week four, aka now
I feel like utter and complete sh**. I'm so tired its insane. I started blocking off 10 hours for sleep and it's still not cutting it. I'm having major health anxiety due to a lot of physical symptoms. Eye problems, it's like when you press on your eyes and everything is a little bit darker. This has been on and off for weeks but it hasn't budged for several days now. It's in both eyes. Back pain, neck pain, migraines. I feel so off. I feel like my ADHD symptoms have gotten worse. I'm constantly making mistakes at work or just saying the wrong words. I never used to do this before. It happens like every day now.
I've never felt this lethargic and pained in my life. My withdrawal symptoms are constantly evolving but I wouldn't even say they're getting better. My house is messier than it's ever been and I've had a hard enough time just making sure I get a shower. I honestly feel like my lack of energy is getting worse.

I'm done writing for now because I feel like I'm going to pass out from being so tired.
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#1

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:19 am

Welcome! Keeping a journal of this does really help. I can look back at some of my own stuff and really appreciate how far I've come. It's a slow, painful, journey but worth it when you don't feel like crap all the time. Keep journaling, let time do its thing, and you'll be through it.
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#2

Postby fuckdabs » Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:04 am

Day 32

I feel like sh** today. I called into work twice this week because I simply feel like sh**. I told my boss I don't know if I can work full time right now. I've never had to quit a job due to the way I feel. This makes 3 days this month.

I'm so tired and it just hasn't let up at all. Wednesday after work I spent all evening crying because my back hurt so badly. I'm feeling anxious today. Mainly about my health. Too much time on Google over the past few weeks.

I get tired when I write. Like after those two paragraphs I'm ready for bed. I'll update more later.

Thank you for the reply. I know we can get dopamine when we get "notifications" but these days all I get are spam calls. I'd really appreciate some comments : )
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#3

Postby leavepawsbehind » Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:13 am

Hold on tight! You're definitely in the worst of it. At my worst was about 45-70 days after I quit. I thought I had ALS, MS, or Parkinson's, etc. At my worst, I had difficulty walking, I had alternating shooting pains, tingling, numbness, and burning pain radiating down my legs and arms, and I had trouble gripping a fork. Couldn't sleep. My vision was blurry and I couldn't read much of anything for longer than a few minutes before getting a migraine. My resting heart rate was way too high. It was the worst anxiety. Missed a week of work and made up excuses. It's diminished since and a lot of the crazy symptoms disappeared. I have some low key sensory issues that are gradually fading away and sometimes feel anxious but I haven't missed any work since. I was super convinced it was just a coincidence that it happened after I quit smoking, but I found out a lot of those symptoms are pretty common for folks who quit benzos, and is becoming more common for people who quit smoking the new strong stuff.
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#4

Postby Sherwood1999 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:21 am

FuckDabs I love your username lmao
I dabbed every 15 minutes too literally for two years. My withdrawal is similar to yours in ways, I have DPDR a little stronger maybe I’m not sure but regardless we all have our sh*** symptoms that are stronger than others.

I’m @ 96 days and I can say it has gotten better. Still suffering but it’s better. Glad you started a quit journal. If you’re ever having a rough time where you feel like you can’t go on let us know and we’ll try to respond when we can. Cheers!
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#5

Postby fuckdabs » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:04 pm

Thanks for the replies guys. I need to start exercising bad, I've been spending so much time in bed and I know it's making things harder but I'm so depressed I just havent been able to. I had more energy in my first few weeks. Without a doubt more energy when I was smoking. There are certain things I know will make me feel better but I just havent been able to make myself do them. I'm going to list them here so I can remind myself.

1. Clean my house
2. Spend at least an hour a day outdoors
3. Exercise every day
4. Get all vitamins and minerals every day
5. Do exercises for my back/core
6. Drink water
7. Don't spend so much time on these boards
8. Read


Anything yall would like to add?

Also, Sherman, I had a bit of DPDR my first week. I felt very disconnected from my bf and have a little when I first see a family member for the first time in a while. Like I read in your post, being deep in conversation with them has helped.
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#6

Postby leavepawsbehind » Sat Mar 09, 2019 5:57 pm

That's a good list. I would add that the less time spent on the internet, at least in these first few difficult months, the better. Cooking your own food at home is a nice break and is often healthier and will save some cash. I found that focusing on cooking would mitigate my problems or make me forget about them. If you have family and friends who are positive influences, I would also lean on socializing with them. Definitely avoid the energy vampires or people who have their own problems with alcohol and drug usage.

Some days, you just feel terrible and nothing will help, and that's okay. Go easy on yourself.
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#7

Postby fuckdabs » Mon Mar 11, 2019 4:10 pm

Well.. I got sick. So now I feel extra shitty with a sinus infection, headaches, tummy aches, fever, aching body, sore throat, and cough. I had a pretty good day Saturday. Read outside in the sun. Went on a nice sweaty hike, but honestly I felt more anxious afterward.

I feel like I've been someone I would never want to be in a relationship with. That scares me. I'm in a long term, very strong relationship, but I know hes gotta be tired of this. I've missed so much work I'm probably gonna lose my job. Which is ridiculous because there's no doubt I got sick from my job. That's a given in my field. You're going to get sick. But corporate doesn't care about anything but money. I don't even get paid when I'm sick so I'm also getting myself into financial ruin and I have a cross country move coming up in 2 months. Fml fml fml shitty life circumstances + paws = bs
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#8

Postby fuckdabs » Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:15 pm

Day 37 and I'm starting to feel like a functional human being again. Energy is manageable. Work is less painful. Even though I'm still sick I feel like I made it through the day without making mindless mistakes and my anxiety was down. I was a lot better at my job today. Finally.
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