Anger

Postby Jamespoulter123 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 9:23 am

Hey I’m new to this but I’m finding it hard to handle my anger and taking everything out on my girlfriend. It all stems from my dad when I was a child.
Does anyone else share these issues and/or know any good routines to do to suppress the anger
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Mar 14, 2019 2:30 pm

Hi Jamespoulter,

Welcome to the Forum. Your problem, as you seem to have guessed yourself, is kind of generic -- you take your anger out on your girlfriend because she can't expel you, fire you, and is not big enough to kick your donkey, which basically means that you see her as a safe target. It might also mean that you are really conflicted about having her as a girlfriend. You know, when I am in a relationship and I find that I'm beginning to catch a lot of attitude and snippiness, well, I take it as a hint, that the Good Stuff is over, and so I give her the "Hey babe, I'm going to the corner store for a pack of smokes... I'll be right back", and then put three suitecases and a steamer trunk in my car and split and never look back. Honestly, that is what your girlfriend should do to you. Admit it, you're tired of her, right? . And your anger role model was your father. Okay, but whose father was a Saint? It really doesn't mean anything, right?

But, there ARE answers. James, have you taken a look at anything in this Forum. 8 Posts out of 10 deal with Moderate Levels of Chronic Anger. I have written hundreds of responses and many of them are different renditions of basically the same song. You know, I am not going to spend 3 hours writing you a detailed response, when your own post was just a tweet, right. So, James, do your homework, and read about 20 of the posts below... or enough of them until you more less can guess what I would say to you if I thought you were worth the time, right?
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#2

Postby James_Lee » Fri May 17, 2019 2:51 am

Jamespoulter123 wrote:Hey I’m new to this but I’m finding it hard to handle my anger and taking everything out on my girlfriend. It all stems from my dad when I was a child.
Does anyone else share these issues and/or know any good routines to do to suppress the anger


Literally one of the worst things you could do in this case, is not to deal with it. Talk about why you react the way you do. Anger can be really damaging
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#3

Postby James_Lee » Fri May 17, 2019 3:18 am

To be clear, I totally understand how hard it must be, but this sort of approach can wreak havoc on your relationship
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#4

Postby Candid » Fri May 17, 2019 2:54 pm

Jamespoulter123 wrote:It all stems from my dad when I was a child.
Does anyone else share these issues and/or know any good routines to do to suppress the anger


Don't suppress it, James. Whatever the issue is with your father, I guarantee there's a counsellor who can help you deal with it.
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#5

Postby alwaysask » Sun May 26, 2019 7:52 pm

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Jamespoulter,

Welcome to the Forum. Your problem, as you seem to have guessed yourself, is kind of generic -- you take your anger out on your girlfriend because she can't expel you, fire you, and is not big enough to kick your donkey, which basically means that you see her as a safe target. It might also mean that you are really conflicted about having her as a girlfriend. You know, when I am in a relationship and I find that I'm beginning to catch a lot of attitude and snippiness, well, I take it as a hint, that the Good Stuff is over, and so I give her the "Hey babe, I'm going to the corner store for a pack of smokes... I'll be right back", and then put three suitecases and a steamer trunk in my car and split and never look back. Honestly, that is what your girlfriend should do to you. Admit it, you're tired of her, right? . And your anger role model was your father. Okay, but whose father was a Saint? It really doesn't mean anything, right?

But, there ARE answers. James, have you taken a look at anything in this Forum. 8 Posts out of 10 deal with Moderate Levels of Chronic Anger. I have written hundreds of responses and many of them are different renditions of basically the same song. You know, I am not going to spend 3 hours writing you a detailed response, when your own post was just a tweet, right. So, James, do your homework, and read about 20 of the posts below... or enough of them until you more less can guess what I would say to you if I thought you were worth the time, right?



Wow to the above comment.

James I don't have much to contribute here but the poster who I have quoted above seems to have some anger issues of their own. Quite a passive aggressive reply if I do say so myself. However there were some comments from the poster I believe are valid. I'll note them specifically with some comments on where I feel that poster fell short:

1." you take your anger out on your girlfriend because she can't expel you, fire you, and is not big enough to kick your donkey, which basically means that you see her as a safe target."

This is quite often something us humans are guilty of. Feeling too comfortable with someone who is very familiar and allowing that to affect how well we treat them. I don't know if this is the situation with your relationship but it's is a nugget worth considering. If it's not the case, let's move to the next thing I agree with from Leo Volont.

2. "It might also mean that you are really conflicted about having her as a girlfriend."

This is also a possibility. I find myself tending towards letting lose more readily when I'm already questioning a relationship and the person does something overt that reminds me of those questions or concerns. If this is the case, I would see a councilor (one who listens as opposed to someone who just wants to put you in a box so they can move on to the next paycheck [I mean patient]).

3. "You know, when I am in a relationship and I find that I'm beginning to catch a lot of attitude and snippiness, well, I take it as a hint, that the Good Stuff is over, and so I give her the "Hey babe, I'm going to the corner store for a pack of smokes... I'll be right back", and then put three suitecases and a steamer trunk in my car and split and never look back. Honestly, that is what your girlfriend should do to you."

I was pretty shocked to read this. It hits some level of common sense in the context of a new relationship where the two are still in the stage of getting to know each other, but this idea of "the good stuff is over, time to move on" is a demonstration that the above poster probably doesn't understand how relationships work. The "good stuff" always ends. The period of feeling wild and crazy emotions of love and desire about the person is what has been called "the honeymooning period." Most relationships cool down and get a little more real as time moves on. So when the quoted poster says "and then put three suitecases and a steamer trunk in my car and split and never look back" it seems more sensational than realistic. Ditching a person without a conversation is pretty toxic behavior unless you are in a situation where your well being is threatened. If your gf just left the way the poster said, that would potentially create room for grudges and a lack of closure to become festering wounds for the both of you. And let me be clear, if you've been taking it to the next level of anger "regularly" and have been abusive, then that reaction may be somewhat unavoidable. However, it is often the case that anger presents problems in perfectly healthy relationships so going ghost on the person (or in this case, being willing to get ghosted) isn't really a universal answer. It only works in some situations, and from what you have said in your original post, it doesn't seem like you are necessarily at one of those situations. Also, kudos for recognizing where the anger stems from. Knowing that those close to you affected who you became as you grew up is a great thing. Most people don't have the ability to even acknowledge there is a problem to be understood so good on you for making the effort to face the issue and it's root.

4. "Admit it, you're tired of her, right? . And your anger role model was your father. Okay, but whose father was a Saint? It really doesn't mean anything, right?"

That comment was a complete joke. Particularly the bit about "Okay, but whose father was a Saint? It really doesn't mean anything, right?"
This is complete non-sense. There are plenty of people with good sensible fathers. And then there are people with fathers who just didn't pay attention to their actions or care about the affects for that matter. If you had a father who had these qualities, chances are you are correct about how it affected you. People who had a father without anger issues would in the same manner, be affected by their father's ability to NOT get angry. Why the quoted poster said this I really don't know, but they are clearly not correct and furthermore would probably do well to try and repeat the same thing in front of a developmental psychologist.

5. "But, there ARE answers. James, have you taken a look at anything in this Forum. 8 Posts out of 10 deal with Moderate Levels of Chronic Anger. I have written hundreds of responses and many of them are different renditions of basically the same song. You know, I am not going to spend 3 hours writing you a detailed response, when your own post was just a tweet, right. So, James, do your homework, and read about 20 of the posts below... or enough of them until you more less can guess what I would say to you if I thought you were worth the time, right?"

This comment is the most telling of the quoted poster's attitude. From this I get that the poster was annoyed because they have spent way too much time dishing out their "advice" on this forum and feel frustrated with anyone who hasn't bothered to go read everything they wrote. Their comment ends with another passive aggressive dig about you being worth the time. Sad when people give advice in this way
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#6

Postby Leo Volont » Mon May 27, 2019 12:22 am

Hi Alwaysask,

Wow, man, the Original Post was 50 words (I counted them). The guy did not give much detail, but I felt it polite to answer something. and so I answered in broad generalities and universal truths (one being that if both you and your girlfriend are acting like you hate each other then you probably hate each other and it is time to move on, right?) BUT I did go on to tell him that if he wanted GOOD advice, then there was plenty to be had, and he only had to keep reading.

Also, since I finally broke down and got a Smart Phone to replace my old clam-shell, it occurred to me that a lot of people are probably THUMBING in their posts on their phone. that would be fine if they would buckle down and just keep going until they really explain themselves. But Thumbs are not nearly as loquacious as Tongues... or all TEN on a QWERTY Keyboard. I'd like to give long Particular and Empathetic Replies to even those who give the vaguest hints, but it simply is like shooting in the Dark.; Also, As I Told the Guy, and as you must have read, his problem is really Generic. The guy's problem is NOT unique. He probably even LIVES in a pigeon hole. SO just look down the POSTS and read every one that also seems GENERIC. Alwaysask, did you bother to read any Posts? My more complete posts would put my more general comments into context. I DISCUSS relationships at length ELSEWHERE. My viewpoint on Relationships and Angry People is that they are doomed. Anger Poisons the Well. Angry people need to take time and fix themselves. Also, it is a bitter truth, but people who have known you when you were Angry will never really trust you not to blow up again. Angry people need to Fix Themselves and THEN MOVE... RELOCATE... START OVER... and that means SOMEWHERE ELSE. Any old girlfriend that is half afraid of you would only be BAGGAGE, right?

Also, the FATHER thing. Alwaysask, I am coming at Anger Management from the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Model. People talking about their Childhood is just chitchat. It is the Ultimate SO WHAT. "I am angry because my daddy beat me". Okay, SO WHAT!? Anger Managment is not served by LOOKING FOR EXCUSES. "My Daddy Beat Me" is just an excuse. In Cognitive Terms one would advise "You gotta quit thinking that boolschittt Father stuff, because it doesn't help". In Cognitive terms one should always be thinking "What is my Plan here and now... what will help me and what will hurt me". People have to shake off Emotional Reactions and Automatic thinking... oh, until they create an Inventory of Helpful Automatic Thoughts. But mostly all of our Past Conditioning and Instincts have to be worked on, and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH DADDY.

Oh, Alwaysask, about your last comment. Well, take a look at the Posting History of this Forum. It really does seem that MOST People now DO read down the Posts before posting comments and come to the determination that they really don't need to post anything, and can just take Advise that already exists. AND, about being Super Friendly. Well, I've tried that, and the problem with being Super Friendly is that one Makes Friends. And 'Friends' want to write in and chit chat all the time... ALL the time. But I'm busy. SO I really DO need to create some distance, right? What about YOU? do you NEED more friends? APPARENTLY!
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#7

Postby alwaysask » Mon May 27, 2019 1:19 am

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Alwaysask,

Wow, man, the Original Post was 50 words (I counted them). The guy did not give much detail, but I felt it polite to answer something. and so I answered in broad generalities and universal truths (one being that if both you and your girlfriend are acting like you hate each other then you probably hate each other and it is time to move on, right?) BUT I did go on to tell him that if he wanted GOOD advice, then there was plenty to be had, and he only had to keep reading.

Also, since I finally broke down and got a Smart Phone to replace my old clam-shell, it occurred to me that a lot of people are probably THUMBING in their posts on their phone. that would be fine if they would buckle down and just keep going until they really explain themselves. But Thumbs are not nearly as loquacious as Tongues... or all TEN on a QWERTY Keyboard. I'd like to give long Particular and Empathetic Replies to even those who give the vaguest hints, but it simply is like shooting in the Dark.; Also, As I Told the Guy, and as you must have read, his problem is really Generic. The guy's problem is NOT unique. He probably even LIVES in a pigeon hole. SO just look down the POSTS and read every one that also seems GENERIC. Alwaysask, did you bother to read any Posts? My more complete posts would put my more general comments into context. I DISCUSS relationships at length ELSEWHERE. My viewpoint on Relationships and Angry People is that they are doomed. Anger Poisons the Well. Angry people need to take time and fix themselves. Also, it is a bitter truth, but people who have known you when you were Angry will never really trust you not to blow up again. Angry people need to Fix Themselves and THEN MOVE... RELOCATE... START OVER... and that means SOMEWHERE ELSE. Any old girlfriend that is half afraid of you would only be BAGGAGE, right?

Also, the FATHER thing. Alwaysask, I am coming at Anger Management from the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Model. People talking about their Childhood is just chitchat. It is the Ultimate SO WHAT. "I am angry because my daddy beat me". Okay, SO WHAT!? Anger Managment is not served by LOOKING FOR EXCUSES. "My Daddy Beat Me" is just an excuse. In Cognitive Terms one would advise "You gotta quit thinking that boolschittt Father stuff, because it doesn't help". In Cognitive terms one should always be thinking "What is my Plan here and now... what will help me and what will hurt me". People have to shake off Emotional Reactions and Automatic thinking... oh, until they create an Inventory of Helpful Automatic Thoughts. But mostly all of our Past Conditioning and Instincts have to be worked on, and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH DADDY.

Oh, Alwaysask, about your last comment. Well, take a look at the Posting History of this Forum. It really does seem that MOST People now DO read down the Posts before posting comments and come to the determination that they really don't need to post anything, and can just take Advise that already exists. AND, about being Super Friendly. Well, I've tried that, and the problem with being Super Friendly is that one Makes Friends. And 'Friends' want to write in and chit chat all the time... ALL the time. But I'm busy. SO I really DO need to create some distance, right? What about YOU? do you NEED more friends? APPARENTLY!


Oh come on! I understand maintaining distance but geeez. Was all that really needed? How do you know who this person is, what their circumstances are, how much time they have to read through all the posts or even their ability to focus in the face of being distressed? I like most of what I've seen from you but this? Not even a little understanding for my concern?
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#8

Postby Candid » Mon May 27, 2019 6:51 am

Leo Volont wrote:People talking about their Childhood is just chitchat. It is the Ultimate SO WHAT. "I am angry because my daddy beat me". Okay, SO WHAT!? Anger Managment is not served by LOOKING FOR EXCUSES. "My Daddy Beat Me" is just an excuse.


Butting in to take issue with this.

Bad parenting causes psychological problems, unquestionably -- and there's a lot of it about. Naturally these problems are intergenerational.

Pete Walker is The Man for this.

"Many survivors of traumatizing families grew up in houses that were not homes - in families that were as loveless as orphanages and sometimes as dangerous." ~ http://pete-walker.com/

I agree with alwaysask that our Leo is not as chilled as he'd like us to believe. And as for saying "read my previous posts" without providing any links to those he considers apposite... Really, why bother to reply?
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