Why am I like this?

Postby Merida » Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:58 am

:? I don’t really know if every person feels this way sometimes or it’s just me. I’m a junior and don’t have much friends. In the beginning of high school, I had lots of friends and only really cared about fitting in but later on I started to get annoyed by everyone around me and stopped talking to them. I feel like I can’t really listen to anyone talk about their life or their problems without getting annoyed. Most of the time, when someone talks to me I don’t listen or care but I still pretend I do. I also feel like I can’t really trust anyone because most of my old friends always lies about themselves or lied to me and I really hated it because I didn’t know who to trust. I try to change myself by being happy and friendly with other people, but it only lasts a couple of days and I end up going back to getting annoyed by everyone and wanting to just be alone. I have no real interests and if I ever find something interesting, I get bored of it after a couple of days. Same with most of the people I meet. It isn’t hard for me to make friends but it’s difficult to keep the relationship because I always find an excuse to stop talking to someone. I also think I have anger issues because whenever someone gets does something I don’t like I, I make them people feel bad about themselves by saying some really messed up things but after that I’ll start to hate myself even more for being that way. I’ve also never been in a real realationship and I’m scared that I’ll never be in one even when I’m older just because of how I am. I start to like someone but once I find out they like me back, I immediately get disgusted or annoyed by them even if they didn’t do anything wrong. And once we stop talking, I start to miss them and it just goes around in a cycle. I also really hate the way I look but I wouldn’t want to look like anyone else besides myself (i don’t know if that even makes sense). Some nights I think about how different my life would be if I were actually normal and happy but I hate the thought of actually changing the way I am. I feel like I’m use to being comfortable with feeling hopeless and lonely but I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about going to therapy but just the thought of that makes me feel like a losrrr for whining about my problems and I really feel like it wouldn’t change anything.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:12 am

The main issue trying to protect or build yourself up by tearing others down. That never works. Try the opposite approach.

You are currently, and understandably centered on yourself. You have problems that you recognize and that makes your thoughts focus on you and what you can do to help you improve you. There is no need to care about anyone else when you can’t even take care of yourself. Focused on self improvement it even sounds like a reasonable argument.

But, the actual path out is to build your self worth by focusing externally. You build your worth by providing value to others. It doesn’t necessarily matter if they appreciate your efforts, because it is actually about working on yourself.

It may sound a bit counterintuitive to build your self worth by helping others, but it is a far better approach than trying to build your self worth by tearing down others.
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#2

Postby Merida » Wed Apr 10, 2019 6:03 pm

I understand what you mean about the part about me needing to take care of myself instead of worrying about other but I just have random thoughts that I can’t really control when I talk to someone. Thoughts about how they look or sound and what annoys me about them. And when you said I should help others instead so that I can build my self worth, how do I do that with out having to pretend that I actually care?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 10, 2019 11:20 pm

Merida wrote:....how do I do that with out having to pretend that I actually care?


That is the toughest part for someone that for lack of a better term is self-centered.

Like anything else it life, it takes deliberate, effortful practice. The same as you might set a goal to do more pushups, you can set a goal to care.

With pushups you set a goal of say 100 and then deliberately work towards the goal, putting in the effort and reflecting on your progress. It takes less than 5 minutes out of your day, but it is action that builds your strength in a very deliberate way.

The same happens if you set a goal to learn to actually care. You set a goal to deliberately go out of your way to help 1 person. Typically, like pushups, the task will take less than 5 minutes. You put in the effort and reflect on that effort. Each day, reflect on how doing something for someone else and expecting nothing in return makes you feel. Keep a log where you write down a single sentence. Same as you would track progress on pushups or any other goal, you document progress in some way.

Eventually you will start to see results. Again, the same as pushups your body and mind will respond to the progress. It is difficult to see at first and the hardest thing is getting started. But, it’s only 5 minutes a day.
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#4

Postby RichardB6 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:10 am

i guess it is because you over thinks a lot.
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